A Little Bit About Pretending To Repair

I’m not entirely what I am sad about, but it must be something right?  I actually don’t have a reason to feel crap – Things are generally good.  I think it’s just mopey time. I really miss the ex; I think it’s mostly her company and closeness more than anything else.  But, we still have that now.  Surely after all the fighting and pain, that goal that we both fought so hard for must be there.  Bullshit.  It’s worse now than it’s ever been.  I told her, after the new boyfriend thing, that I wanted and needed space. I just wanted some time to have it in my head, and to adjust.  She assured me that this is what I would get, but constantly sms’d at random hours saying how see missed me.  At one point, she sms’d to tell me about how sad she was feeling about things.  How could I not try and help.  I spoke to her on the phone that day for a while and I avoided the new boyfriend situation as I did not want to do it then, but as expected she brought it up.  Towards the end of the conversation she said she didn’t understand why I was so upset, and maybe I should think about why exactly.  Her implying I was not fully over this was a bit rude. No, I am not over it, and I am okay with that. I have accepted that it will take a while, and I don’t mind at all. But it still isn’t nice knowing how lovely things are with her, and how she feels about me now. “Best friends”.  What a crock of shit. How can anyone still be so close, so soon after it. Later maybe, but now? No way. I told her to leave me alone, that I needed to do this without her constant ‘being there’. She unwillingly accepted.

She sms’d again 3 days ago. Late.  “More time?” was all it said.  This was only about 2 weeks later. Why was she torturing me?  Yes, I had missed her too, but this was not fair.  Yet, I still replied saying that I had missed her.

“I miss you as much. Is the space helping?  Do you feel better?”.  Ugh. I told her yes. Blah-dee-blah. She guilt-tripped me into believing that this was doing more harm to us than good and she was worried where it would end up.  Well it’s ended up in the shit.  She doesn’t know that, though.  I sent her a casual sms about nothing important earlier today and still don’t have a reply. This is why I should have kept my distance and let it play out on it’s own in the future.  Only problem is, how and what do I do now… Keep pretending all is fine until she asks what’s wrong, ’cause she will.  Or, just tell her to go away for good.  Neither are very pleasing options for me.

Am I wrong to assume that this is the right way to be feeling?  I mean, it has been a few months.  Maybe I am just unknowingly clutching at things. I suppose there is no right or wrong way to be looking at it.  It a good, and self-preserving way to think.

I was with a girl shortly after our breakup, but that will come later.  That ended late December, and I have not been with anyone since.   This is attaching itself to the crappy-feeling band wagon.  It’s partly because I have a small issue about going out and meeting new people, and also because I am taking a girl sabbatical.  At least, that’s what I tell my friends and myself what it is.  It seems like a good excuse, and for most of the time it works.  Just not today.  After being around someone for that long you crave their company, or at least somebody else’s, and that’s what’s bringing about my sadness today, too.  It’s the reason I am not sleeping, and then reason why it’s raining now.  Thankfully, at this stage in the recovery process, it won’t last as long as it did yesterday.

[Insert: She just replied.  It’s 1;41 am. Something about family issues.  Am I being a big girl about this all?  I think I might be.]