It’s been a while since I wrote about The Ex.  I suppose that’s a good thing, though.  But, as you can tell from my last post, I do miss her.  A lot.  I have carefully kept my distance, despite that, and also, maybe stopped caring a little more.  She had called me one night, drunk, telling me how much she missed me and Cape Town and that she really wanted to visit. I reminded her about her boyfriend and all that.  Water off a duck’s back.  She spoke to me twice the next day, which I thought was completely weird.  The first was to apologise, about her behavior the night before. She tried calling a third time later that night, but I was in  movie. But come the next morning, there was the phone call.  She had broken up with him.  Now don’t get me wrong, as happy as I want her to be there, I was giddy with excitement.  I do not, and can not, see her and I together, but this suffering made me feel good again.  I spoke to her a lot that weekend.  She needed me again, and that is just the person I love to be. But of course, the joy was short lived.  She and penis-head had patched things up after she re-evaluated her life and such.  What a load.

That was about 3 weeks ago, and we haven’t really spoken since.  She did call me a week after actually apologising.  I couldn’t believe it.  She was apologising for using me, and only coming to me when she needed me.  I was so shocked I didn’t really know what to say, so I didn’t really anything.  I thanked her and said goodbye.

It is weird, though.  Sometimes relationships really make you wish you were single.  And when you’re single, you really want to feel that company and closeness of a relationship. The grass is always greener.  I never used to know what that meant until I got older, but fuck, it’s clear as glass now. And right now, being single sucks.

Every weekend, thousands of young, single, available people go out clubbing, hoping to get another score.  Are they really seriously trying to pick up their next companion?  Sure, I’d love to be able to bring home a different girl every weekend, but I can’t.  It’s that simple.  The only reason I go clubbing is to dance like crazy and have fun with friends.  And maybe, just maybe, something will happen, but I sure as hell aren’t going to be the one to make it happen.  I need to be in more open situations, meeting new people, letting people know who I can be.

A lot of it comes down to inability to sit down and talk to a new person.  I’m a little weird, and sometimes showing people that it’s a good weird isn’t easy.  And besides, club talk is so ridiculous.  She should just introduce herself, dance some sexy dance, kiss me and realise how awesome I am. The end.  Why make stupid small talk about it, learning things you don’t really care about.  My kisses will entertain you, I promse.  I mentioned in a article that I’d much rather find people online, and it’s true.  I can easily be myself, talk to the same people over and over.  It’s easy and simple and non-pressurised because these people are, mostly anyway, my intellectual equals.  They don’t judge, criticise, or expect more than they need to.  And being in that virtual social forum makes me feel good about myself.  These people sound like they care.  You know when they’re putting in effort and when they’re just not interested.  It’s pretty damn simple.

I think I’m at the stage where I want someone to be infatuated with me again.  Or maybe, it’s for me to be infatuated with them.  I want to feel that again.  To be so excited to see someone new that I can’t speak.  I’ve been stagnant for too long.  No, not single, just stagnant.  Not going anywhere, and it needs something different.  I went out last night, again, to a new place I had never been, and it was good to be somewhere unfamiliar.  I actually met someone I liked.  Or appeared to anyway.  I never know now whether it’s something or my brain just being silly.  Either way, she was really good looking, seemed semi-normal and was a friend of a friend.   The problem was, I was so awkward and uncomfortable about it that nothing really developed.  It really made me angry to be like that and not be able to handle that type of situation properly.  I do think I’m gonna ask the friend for her number, though, and maybe get up the balls to actually do something about it.

It’s been a combination of wanted female company and the rain and cold. This is my first winter in Cape Town where I’m single, plus all the single disabilities I carry, so, it’s building up to a pretty crappy cold spell.  I really just miss that person to sit down with in bed and watch a movie.  Of course, I can go out when I want to, and flirt with anything with a pulse, and kiss whomever I chose, but I want the other option.  I want those perks.  The kissing, and movie-going, and the waking-up-with, and the sex.  With anyone else, it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore…