Friendships are strange things. I have some-600 friends on facebook and I predominantly try only add friends if I could actually sit down and have a drink with them. I should actually go through and cut some ties. There is this one guy that has added me a couple of times and each time I reject it. I don’t like him. We are not friends. Doesn’t he get the hint? But, strong friendships generally take a while to get going, and friendships are incredibly special. They keep us going through the worst times and make the good times even better. Good, good friends are hard to find and when you have them, you should do what you need to to keep them close by. Friends of the opposite sex are even better sometimes because it gives it that balance that you need. Going out with the guys is great of course, but you need that other side. Well, at least I do. I think this is the case whether or not you are in a relationship. And we all know how great friends are just after a breakup. That is the best antidote for a breakup and not all that other cliché crap. But what happens when that friendship hits a different tone?
Platonic |plˈt¤nik|
adjective
of or associated with the Greek philosopher Plato or his ideas.
€¢ ( platonic) (of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual : their relationship is purely platonic.
Picture this: Mary and John have been great friends for 3 years. They have both been in and out of relationships throughout the time but now Mary has just been dumped by her boyfriend and she and John are sharing a bottle of wine to try feel better. Mary is feeling sad, lonely, bitter, and hates men. John is feeling horny. (Do not assume this is any different from the way he normally feels). Mary bitches about men, bitches about how badly she has been treated, and John consoles her. John gets up to go to the loo, and as he does, Mary catches a whiff of John’s cologne – The same cologne he has worn for years. It grips her chest and she let’s it hang on her thoughts as it slowly dissipates. She really can’t explain it but suddenly she finds John attractive. Had these feelings been there before? She didn’t think so, and it kinda freaked her out a little. The rest of the night finishes without any incidence.
Platonic relationships obviously happen all the time, but are they really really that? Can two people of the opposite sex truly be good friends and neither one develop feels for the other? I don’t believe so. I think at one point or another, one person will have some inkling to hold the other down and kiss them ’til they like it.
It is very important to know which side of the fence you’re on. Why? There are so many reasons.
Because you’re trying so damn hard to be friends with your ex. Does he realise she still have such strong feelings for him? She makes him think they’re not there just so they can stay close, only to be hurt later.
Because you’re sharing a flat with your best guy friend from varsity and all of a sudden you have a Mary and John situation and that is super complicated.
Because she thinks that he’s a really nice guy, just ’cause he is, not realising that he thinks the world of her, and basically wants to pin her down and do amazing things to her with his tongue.
Because you might not even realise it, but your best opposite-sex friend might just have eyes for you, but you were too blinded by the fact that that possibility was just too ew. And maybe, just maybe, you have those same strange feelings boiling around inside.
Another complexity arises when you think you should do something about these feelings. You shouldn’t. Put them away, ’cause there are two realistic outcomes.
1. You wake up the next day, naked, and next to one of your good friends. Awkward
2. You get the balls to finally try kiss her and she pulls away with a strange look on her face. Awkward.
Both cases leave you in a very uncomfortable situation. Of course, there is the possibility that you end up dating and spend the rest of your lives together.
We had this discussion over dinner the other night, and not one person agreed with me. That means they’re saying they could have completely platonic relationship with all their friends. Forever. I don’t buy it. So, I haven’t quite decided how I exactly feel about it. Talking to more people, and seeing the relationships I’m in, have made me realise that after a certain amount of time, it would move from a lusting over someone, to actually wanting to really be with someone. I look at my closest girl friends now, and I would never consider doing anything with them, but that doesn’t include how each of us used to feel, or how we might feel in the future. I’m not saying you can’t be friends with someone, because very often, these little crushes are over by the time that you’re that close, but there must be a reason we’re not really friends with our exes, as much as we’d like to think we are. Friendships are funny things. Work at them when you can, because they will be worth more to you than anything else. Don’t ruin one for a quick shag, but then again, it might be totally worth it if your best friend is the girl of your dreams.
Way to prove a point: Not even 5 minutes after posting this, a girl, who I consider a good friend, messages me and tells me she once sent me a Valentine’s day card because she had the biggest crush on me.
NOW she tells me…
I do believe platonic relationships with the opposite sex exist, I have too many girl-friends for it not too.
But then again, I have remained friends with my ex’s too…
I also believe that if you never try (for fear of a ‘little’ awkwardness) you will never know. if you are really friends, that awkwardness will soon be forgotten and you will remain friends. Stop fretting over the what ifs – life is way too short for that shit!
Tough one! I have guy friends but with all of them – either they wouldnt say no if I offered or I wouldnt mind offering!
So if I had to pick a yes/no answer I would say no!
But having said that one of my best friends is a guy – yes we have fooled around, yes we talk about sex with each other often BUT we have no desire to actually be together or even become fuck buddies! We just like talking about it 🙂
So the real answer to this question is “its complicated”
Platonic relationships do happen.. I’m sure… But most of the time there has at least been some thought in either person’s mind (or both) that they could like the other person.
The familiarity and the closeness that arises from friendship often tends to be confused for something more when the friends are of opposite sex. I could list the reasons, but then I might as well write my own post.
Platonic does exist. I have plenty of male friends that I would NEVER consider “crossing the line” with. Mind you, none of them tickle my fancy in “that” way so I guess I don’t know what I’d do if the opportunity presented itself. I might just be tempted, but being a bit of a chicken, I’d also probably just keep it inside and deal with my “demons”. I’m not sure that platonic can exist with exes … there’s usually too much water under the bridge and most relationship breakups end on a bit of a low note, which can lead to a lot of rehashing of bad situations. I guess if you left each other “mutually” and on good terms, it might be able to keep the friendship going.
When I got married my mom gave me one piece of advice and that was that once the ring is on my finger and can NEVER have a male friend again. I scoffed at the advice but over the past 8 years I have come to realise how true her words were. This is going to sound very conceited, so do forgive, but I have never had a male friend that didnt want to “gooi” me or atleast plant a big wet one on me. Since being married I havent actually seen a reduction in “male admirors”. Although I am faithfull to my husband, I think its natural to want a guy in some sexual way once I get to know him, unless he is really disgusting in some way and just offputting as a result. So I agree with you Neal!
yes they are completely possible my best friend in the whole world is a guy, but i confess he is gay ha ha
I liked the part about ‘it would move from a lusting over someone, to actually wanting to really be with someone’ – I was friends with my ex b4 we got together and the moment I knew I wanted it to be more was when we were with a group of friends at dinner and all I could think about was how much I wanted to be the most important person in the room for him. We went out for nearly 2 years so was def worth worth crossing that friendship barrier.
I am male, its not possible, all you girls thinking ag he’s such a nice friend balballaaa_ajhaha you fooling yourself and you know you want it or you know you teasing him and he is just thinking — all I wanna do is….BOOM from the bed to the floor.
Dont get me wrong some of my best friends are girls, but either I have already been there…or I most def would for the sake of it…and hey…YOU GIRL reading this YOU NEXT..AHAHAH
RED blooded MAN signing out (dont deny the animal instict) “friends – what is in that word >>
@ Michael – I know they exist, but I’m saying there’s always a chance of other feelings. People generally get these feelings in everyday life but because you’re in a relationship, you fight the urge.
My ex had these feelings with someone while we were dating. She assured me that he was purely a friend. They’re dating now. Do you see why I’m so messed up?
I agree with you about the taking a chance thing. This is the case in life. Without taking the chance, you will never know!
@Laura – Point proven 🙂
@Desrieg – Exactly… The complexity makes it very different in our minds and we associate it with “getting it on” vibes.
@Ann – But what if it’s THEM wanted to chance it with you! I do agree with you about the exes… We should have never tried.
@Ulrike At least someone is agreeing fully 🙂 But I think you should get some male friends, it’ll give you balance. Altho, this might be difficult because of the way you’ll end up feeling about them 🙂
@kambabe – I think that just proves my point more. It’s never simple!
@Marianna – One of my 2 best friends got together 2 years after being friends. They’re really happy together and will most likely get married. Are you still friends with the ex?
@wolfchild – Dude. Valium.
No I am not friends with him. So point taken.
Yes, platonic relationships can exist.
But that doesn’t mean that all sexual attraction is eliminated.
I would go so far as to say that *most* opposite gender friendships involve some degree of desire at one stage or another, but that most of us just choose not to act on it, for whatever reason, thus keeping the relationship non-sexual and platonic.
@JustBcoz – That’s my point, though. That there will always be some sexuality in it, but you just don’t act to keep things the way they are, still means that the sexuality is there.
“intimate and affectionate but not sexual”
I have had many friendships like this, where all I wanted was to ravish her, but you don’t. Doesn’t mean that spark, from me anyway, has gone. Like I said, I only think it’s worth it if it’s more than a little bit of lust.
I think if the chemistry is from BOTH sides, then it can no longer be platonic …
But if it’s one way only (and/or not acted upon) then it’s platonic.
A “relationship” is a 2-way thing …
If there is chemistry from both sides, then it is no longer a platonic relationship, yes, but this proves my point to show that is wasn’t possible in the first place. Having sexual feelings is not really considered a “friendship” thing to do. Imagine if we went around telling our friends exactly how we felt about them sexually. We’d have two things happening:
1. A lot of friendships getting weird and quite possibly broken
2. A whole lot of sex. Some of it leading to better things, some of it not so good.
It’s about being able to contain your feelings to keep a very valuable friendship… But yet it’s still not completely platonic because of the way you feel.
Has anyone actuall ever watched “When Harry Met Sally”? Ok. it may be a bit “old” for some of you. lol Yes Neal I would love some male friends as I generally prefer them to females, and YES, I can keep my hands to myself. I have been practising celebacy for years now – 🙁 (hehe)
I hear you, but I’m not sure that having the chemistry from both sides at the same time in a friendship is a common occurrence?
Let’s say one of the friends DOES want the relationship to become sexual … to THAT person, the relationship is no longer platonic, but to the OTHER (ignorant/unwilling) friend, the relationship is still entirely platonic.
Perhaps it just depends which side of the fence you’re on?
Understandable, but you even said, “A “relationship†is a 2-way thing”. For it to be a platonic *relationship*, it needs to be the same way for BOTH parties. 🙂
In the “2-way” statement, I’m not including one-sided perceptions, thoughts and feelings – I’m referring to the actual state of the relationship. Is it being played out from both sides in the same way or not?
In my “fence” reference, I’m suggesting (not implying) that a relationship can be PERCEIVED as something other than it’s true state.
Someone once told me that opposite sex relationships can only be platonic once each party has ruled out the chance of compatability. I.E. Men and women can only be friends *after* they’ve decided they won’t persue a relationship.
So I think my answer would be “yes, you can maintain a platonic friendship, but only *after* you’ve crossed someone off your To-Shag List.
In my experience woman are more capable than men of having platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex. And I think that most men that actively pursue friendship with a woman, have a definite sexual angle. Whether its conscious or subconscious. The key here is “actively”. I consider myself platonic friends with many woman, but if I was making a point to get in contact with her or meet her on a regular basis, then the guise of being platonic becomes clearly transparent.
I have never once witnessed a straight man who actively tried to become good friends with a woman that didn’t want more than friendship on one level or another.
WSheBee – It would have to be once both people have crossed each other off the list, and not the “success” list.
@ Brendon – I agree. Completely. Men are driven by lust (initially). The friendship grows on it’s own, but certainly not through a man trying to push it. And, let’s be honest, she would think he was up to something too!
But in saying all this, some girls i do want to be real friends with, might be a little skeptical.
What Brendon and Michael said are the truth. Men don’t initially pursue platonic friendships with women. It’s just not in our nature.
I think it’s silly when relationships end sexually, the platonic one dies as well. It shouldn’t be like that. The worst thing is having the “she might not be friends anymore after we break up” fear. It is viable fear, but again, if you we’re truly good friends, then it shouldn’t happen be that way.
What Michael said, is also true, you never know until you try.
@Niel – Friendship is always a possibility after you’ve broken up with someone. You were with them because you were good together – You basically clicked, got on, etc. But, friendship is hard AFTER because of all the history and possible feelings. It all depends on the circumstances of the breakup and where each person is going. The ex and I tried really hard to be friends, and good friends, but we talk every few weeks or so. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
i recon platonic relationships can exist.
..yeah but add wine into the mix…
Haha… Thanks, Blade, point further. emphasised
i totally agree…
plutonic relationship.. confusing, frustrating, time consuming, exhausting but by far the best thing to have ever happend to those lucky enough to experience it.. this type of friendship is very hard to explain, alot of different openion up there and all by far valid!! my only advice is that you be honest with one another, if you happend to devolope feelings then do not be ashamed to admit them for it can be a friendship killer!!
I think it is time that the platonic friendship debate concludes. Platonic relations can indeed occur between man and wife or a hetero man and a hetero woman, platonic love between a man and woman is as romantic as physical love (or lust as this can be called by some). Both are romantic loves or attractions. Between men and women it is a state of flirtation. Flirtation is not always sexual. Maybe to the immature mind it is. One must understand the balance that makes a relationship work. Ignorance will only cloud one’s judgment and views. Platonic love does exist but it is widely misunderstood. Like sex, one can have multiple partners if one so chooses. Romance is a delicate balance of physical love and platonic love. Love based on merely sex is clearly not a mature love. The balance may vary but the romance is still there. Platonic love between a man and a woman vastly differs from platonic love between a parent and a child or platonic love between a human and it’s pet(s). Boundaries between a man and a woman are very delicate. Humanity is imperfect. We are all responsible for our own actions, decisions and beliefs and values and therefore our own consequences as well. We all want different things. It is important to clarify what platonic love is between man and woman(hetero) and the importance of clarification. A happy and successful relationship can be defined by its balance of platonic and physical love. After all it may prove to be difficult to find happiness and a strong connection with your partner if that friendship is not there. I will not touch on boundaries. Life is boundless if one so chooses it to be. I will not touch on the difference between right and wrong either. People make mistakes, some learn from them, some don’t and some don’t want to. People will do as they please. As I have said above people want different things and value different things. My purpose here is to clarify what platonic love truly is. It is a beautiful thing when completely understood. People will define boundaries according to their values and personal moral. Rather than debate one must educate them selves and be honest with them selves. A closed mind is not a mind open to truth and wisdom. Truth and wisdom will bring one to true enlightenment and a clear peace of mind. Sometimes in life one has to explore to find answers. One must under stand that truth may be spoken and maybe unspoken, seen or unseen. Mistakes do happen. Some risks are worth taking and some are not worth taking. Propaganda and mis-information closes the minds of many. How can one evolve as a person with a closed mind and the acceptance of reality? How can one be true with a partner if they are not truthful with self?
Platonic (respectful) relationships are a great way to explore just what is attractive(other than the physical aspects) in the opposite sex and how one likes to be treated by the opposite sex. Like any other experience we learn from them. Platonic relationships are intimate emotionally for one or both people involved. It involves emotions between a man and a woman, sexual entities designed by or nature to be together. Platonic qualities are best described as qualities one may like to find in the member of the opposite sex other than physical sexual attributes. For this reason it is therefore a sexual relationship in development. Platonic relationships generally focus on the friendship and respect aspects of a relationship first. The relationship may or may not yet be determined but is clearly a relationship that is more than just friends. It involves a man and a woman (hetero) exploring what they like or love about each other being members of the opposite sex. Platonic partners find particular things they appreciate about each other being the opposite sex. Platonic friendships as they are called are a mature way of finding and/or “developing†a possible successful relationship. One partner may feel more than the other partner. The Platonic Idea is meant to bring a man and a woman closer together on the emotional level of our relationships with the opposite sex.
Learn what love is between a man and a woman. Your sexuality is beyond your body. People are so behind in evolution.
Understanding what platonic really means is beyond mosts understanding. Sheep will follow blindly to internet propeganda
Insightful job:D Going to take a decent amount of time to toy with the site!