Everything in life can be measured by failure and success, whether it’s business, love, social acceptance, anything really.  The difference comes in as to how you measure it, but that is never easy. It all really depends on your reference points.  Let’s look at love, for example:  I date a girl for 4 years and it breaks down and we end things.  This is a failure from my side if I never wanted to end things, but if someone my age looks at it, someone who has never held down a relationship for longer than a month, then it could be perceived as a success.

I have not been feeling myself for the past few weeks, and I’m not really sure why yet.  Pretty sure it’s a combination of things as a whole, as it most often is, but that doesn’t mean I should be beaten.  However, the most pressing issue eating at me right now is failure.

Twitter has shown me a lot of things, and one of those things is how bloody successful a lot of young South Africans are. Don’t get me wrong, these people have worked damn hard to be where they are, (I presume so anyway), and we should all be so lucky to have that skill and motivation to get there.  I haven’t had the easiest road along the way, but I hate talking about it, so I won’t.  I suppose this is my second chance now.  It’s a chance I have made myself, but I already feel it slipping away.

I have always wanted to study further.  UCT didn’t work out, and after that I need to work to, well, live.  I now have a full-time job that I love, but pays peanuts.  I would love to do something else, but really don’t have the qualifications behind me to do it.  So here I currently sit, enrolled at Unisa, taking way too many modules than I can handle, too tired from work to be able to do them all.  My motivation has slipped away because of the lack of energy.  I’ve hit my brick wall.

A few weeks ago, I thought I had found my motivation to move again.  The Mail and Guardian released their annual 300 young South Africans to have lunch with.  There are names of people in there that I know, and some of which I’ve met.  I wanted to be them.  So I used that slight motivational push to try get to my 30 June deadline for half of the modules due for this year.  I tried hard, really hard, to sit down and get some work done, but I had left it too late, and stopped trying a week before.  Looking at it, I guess I could have not slept for a week, handed in crap, and got it done, but working 10 hours a day really takes it out of you.

Someone once told me that I don’t need to study – That I am smart enough to go as far as I want.  At times I believe it, but without being able to prove myself in practice, and before we start mailing Video CVs around, the fact that it ends after high-school is pretty much a deal breaker.   So, I suppose the question is, “What do I do now?”.  Do I keep trying at the Unisa thing, with less modules each year, or do I stop and see what happens?  I’m not the type to string up revolutionary ideas that will change the world, so until I get the most amazing brain-strike, that isn’t an option either.  Maybe I’m subconsciously waiting for that one opportunity I can attack full on, whatever that opportunity may be.  Or, do I try and make something appear?  Fear of failure defeats success, and when you think you’re already failing, it’s a bad combination.

I’ve been trying to find a reference point to make what I’ve done look like a success, but that has proven futile.  But this weekend has given me renewed energy, I have started to feel more of myself again, and I will not be dragged down.  So, I suppose I have to wait and see what happens, where this road goes… C’est la vie et ici nous allons – Que le voyage commence!