A Little Something About The Joburg Diaries

I’ve compiled a little diary of my trip up to jozi.  It’s detailed in some cases, and vague in others.  It’s not meant to be taken too seriously, so make sure you’re not offended in anyway.  And if you are, too bad.

If I’ve left anything significant and interesting out, add it as a comment.

Saturday

11:17 – My alarm goes off waking me after only 6 hours of sleep.  I lie in bed for a while, slowly waking up.  Then reality hits me.  I had completely miscalculated my departure time.  My flight was leaving at 2pm, and I was planning on leaving my house at 13h30.  You see my problem.  I bolt out of bed, now fully awake, and start packing.  Pack everything and see socks and underwear still in drawer.  Whew, reminder to self: Don’t forget that.

12:30 – Packed, showered and the lift has arrived.  Last minute check, looks good.  I hope to all that are listening that I’ve got everything.

12:55 – Arrive at airport, pull bag out of boot, and like smashing into a brick wall, I realise I hadn’t packed my socks and underwear.  Brilliant.  I suppose of all the things I could’ve left behind, this is probably the least important.  But still.  I’m only wearing one pair of boxers now, and I like clean underwear.

13:14 – Checked in with Kulula without any issues.  Asked for an aisle seat near the front to make a good getaway.  “The nearest to the front is near the middle”, she tells me.  Sure, I’ll take that.  Best I can do.  With all do respect, but I wish the bitch had told me that there were two entrances on the plane.  One at the back too.

13:30 – Check in with lift to make sure she knows I’m coming today, and will be arriving in 2.5 hours.  She knew it was today, but had no idea it was already after lunch.  I told her she had 2 hours to get organised.  I’m a little worried she goes to the wrong airport.  Too embarrassed to tell her I’ve left my underwear behind.  Will wait ’til I arrive to actually see the tears running down her face while she laughs.

13:50 – Seated and waiting on the plane.  The crowd seems civilized.  There are no screaming babies or overly large people.  There is a rather attractive brunette sitting 3 rows in front of me, but I still need to learn the art of chatting up a girl on a plane. Besides, she has a window seat, and would require me speaking over 2 other people, asking her if she’s like to go see how large the facilities are.  It would probably be easier if I hijack the flight attendants mic and announce that I will be in toilet A in 5 minutes, and all interested parties should knock 3 times.

Kulula are going through their safety checks now.  They love their dry comedy, and I must admit, offering “Wind In The Willows” as the inflight movie to anyone that disobeys the non-smoking signs was quite funny.

14:00 – On the runway on time.  Impressive.  No hitches.  Best part of the flight is the take off.  I love how the acceleration presses you back into your seat.  The engineering of these metal birds is amazing.  It’s at this point, circling over False Bay, that I remember the black cat that quickly ran passed us as were were leaving my house.  Hmmmm… I wonder how different people might react in pressure times.  I imagine the highly strung lady to my right would freak out.  I imagine slapping her to calm her.  Now I want to slap her anyway.  I read the inflight magazine to try entertain me, until I can pull my laptop out and start writing.

14:15 – We have leveled out, but the seat-belt signs are still on.  Why? Has the pilot forgotten?  I see the head flight attendant go into the cockpit.  The light turns off.  Awesome.   The food trollies move into place.  The only perk I’ve discovered by sitting in the middle, is that I got served first.  Although, this would have been the case if I were in the front like I had asked.  Have just realised that there must be 9 free seats in the front 3 rows.  Bitch.  I consider moving there, but I don’t wanna be that guy that has to take all his bags and such to the front.  Besides, I’m likely to hit some old lady on the head in the process.  I don’t want that on my record.

I order a chicken roll, coke and orange juice.  It comes to R38.  R20 for a chicken roll isn’t really bad, if the roll were a man-sized roll.  There is a 5 year old girl to my right, she would still be hungry after eating this.  It was, however, delicious.  The coke and juice are also barbie sized.  This must be how cheap airlines make their money back, even if there aren’t that many people buying.

15:09 – There is nothing exciting happening.  No crazy gun-wielding, bomb-strapped Taliban officials.  Although, the hot brunette walked passed to go to the loo,  I wonder if she wanted me to follow.  Needless-to-say, she has a very nice bum.

The male flight attendant today isn’t gay, he’s just annoying.  And the hostesses aren’t very attractive either.  Boring.

15:13 – I’ve just realised I might not watch the rugby today.  It starts at 5.  Shebee, if you’re listening, I want to watch the rugby.  Time to try and finish off that post about the rebound girl.  Sigh.

15:18 – Tall mildly-attractive redhead comes back from the loo wearing jeans.  She was definitely wearing a short skirt before.  Just how cold is Joburg?!

15:23 – Just discovered that brunette with nice bum is – and please excuse me for being rude – a bit of a butterface.  Overly large eyes, and nose that almost indents.  Note to self: Be more observant.

15:27 – We’re 10 minutes ahead of schedule.  It’s 14 degrees in Joburg. Get beanie out.  I’m being told no more electronics – As if it’ll really mess with navigations

15:58 – Met at the exit by SheBee and Bergen.  He’s here as her body guard in case I turn out to be a serial murderer.  We walk out of the smallest airport in the country, only for them to argue over where the car is.  I think they’ve lost it, but it eventually shows up exactly where they left it.

16:05 – We discuss several plans to go watch the All Blacks take on the Bokke.  No decision is made.

16:25 – Arrived and unpacked at the farm.  The discussion about what we’re doing for the rugby has come up again, but nothing concrete has been decided. We’re out in goodness knows where, and no decision about where we can watch is made.  Oh yay, they’ve decided on tea.

The Farm

16:59 – rugby is about to start and we leave the farm.  Going to Four Ways somewhere.

17:05 – Bergen calls from the car in front that we’re following him in . He’s changed plans, we’re going to Rosebank to meet up with his girlfriend.   Everyone agrees.  Awesome.

17:06 – We call Bergen back saying it’s easier if we still go to Four Ways.  He whines a bit, but we sadly part ways.  Radio man says we’re 6-3 up in Bloem.

17:20 – Rock up at Woolworths in Four Ways mall.  SheBee finds the male boxers.  She wants to know why there is a weird pocket that feeds from the right, but that opens again on the inside, on the left.  I couldn’t answer.  I actually didn’t know.  Bought a 3 pack plus socks, and left.

17:40 – End up at Spur for a drink.  Manage to catch the Boks leaving the field.  14-3 up.  Awesome.

18:00 – I order soemthing from the menu and make sure it doesn’t have pig.  Shebee looks at me wide-eyed, remembering I’m Jewish.  She’s making pasta tomorrow.  Bacon pasta.  Fail.

18:20 – 8unny arrives for drink.  She talks a lot.  We’re winning the rugby, but only just.

18:40 – We leave the mall and head for pizza.  Find some place.  Looks decent enough.  We get some chicken for my pasta tomorrow too.

19:00- Leave for the farm.  I’m told not drive fast, but this GTi likes to move.  I reluctantly obey.

20:30 – Settle in front of the TV with Pizza. Fantastic 4 is on.  Haven’t seen it before and decide it’s a good call.

23:00- Settling inthe cottage.  Seahorse, SheBee’s cat, is pretty crazy. It’s currently eating itself.  Apparently it likes to wrestle as it’s an only child.  It’s doing it all wrong…

Seahorse, eating herself

Sunday

10:33 – Tweetup day, and I have been reacquainted with the Highveld cold.  As much as I love Cape Town winter, I can’t say I missed this.  Thank goodness I found my beanie.  I’m reminded people are arriving at 11:30.  Why someone would schedule something so early on a sunday is beyond me.  Have also woken up with the worst allergy attack in years.  Wheezing, sneezing, sore eyes.  No antihistamines around. Lovely.

11:00 – Have a nice hot shower with one of the most awesome shower heads ever.  Well, it was nice and hot until the hot water decided it was done making me happy.  He organised his long lost cousin, freezing cold, ice-water to replace him, and without notice too.  Kind words of warning: unless you are trying to get rid of a “passion organ”, there is little reason for anyone to do this to themselves.  Thank goodness mine came out of it still attached.

11:15 – I made eggs for breakfast to attempt to show my host that I can, in fact, cook.  Mine were awesome. Isn’t that all that really matters?

11:35 – I go walk around the farm for a little bit, in the hope I see some proper wildlife, ie, snakes and more importantly, spiders.  But it was in vain.  It’s hibernating season for snakes, and spiders in this type of environment will only be out at night.

12:09 – First lot of people arrive.  Laura-Kim and Sally, – who is apply named (as poinkharigirl) – with children in toe.  They got lost getting here, after SheBee gave directions.  This does not bode well for others.  I’m still not sure where we are exactly, but it certainly isn’t Joburg.  I’m not even sure we’ve even in Gauteng.

12:24 – Some more people call, because they’re lost again following Shebee’s directions.

12:45 – Have met a whole lot of people.  Michael, Exmi, Angel and the boyfriend – Neels, Sass, Liv, Craig and Martha.  We’re all milling around chatting.  (Really hope I haven’t left anyone off this)

13:00 – There are some fairly hungover faces today.  The Boyfriend (of ExMi’s) has refused to take off his glasses the whole day.  (He eventually does later to reveal bleeding eye-balls.)

13:10 – Food is served, and it’s good.  People are preferring to eat my chicken pasta, as opposed to Shebee’s bacon.  (Bacon pasta, that is).  It’s all a great success, although, Shebee does wait ’til we’ve all had a sufficient amount of food, and not died, before she helps herself.

14:00 – My allergies have taken a weird twist.  I now have this weird rash on my head, neck and over my right eye.  It looks swollen and as if I’ve been punched.  I drink more.

15:00 – Most people have started to file out.  I’m exhausted.  People are blaming the altitude, but I’m pretty sure Friday night has caught up with me.

16:00 – Shaun and Heidi arrive.  Better late than never.  Gossip a bit more about the incestuous life of tweeple in Joburg, and wow, it really is.  GossipGeek really needs to make an appearance.  We venture outside and the geese are heard in the distance.  The goose gets more excited than I’ve ever seen anyone.  Ever.  And runs off to try chat up a few.  I’m quite embarrassed as how lame I’m being around guests by being so out of it.  I hope they realise this isn’t normal for me.

17:30 – Everyone has left now.  I’m pooped.  Definitely chill time.

18:00 – The Ex calls and wants to meet up.  Not sure how I feel about it, but I agree.  10am pick up, tomorrow morning.

20:00 – Settle down and eventually decide on a movie – “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” for the 173rd time, but I still love it.  “I wonder if the carpet matches the pubes”.

21:55 – Decide to see another movie, but can’t decide, so settle with Robin Willians on Broadway.  Also seen is a few dozen times, and it’s brialliant.

Monday

09:01 – Alarm goes off, and I inevitably snooze for about 20 mins.

09:45 – Up and dressed and ready.  I sit on the floor in the lounge, in the smallest spot of sun, trying to stay warm.  The cat is with me, and so are the allergies.  It’s a good thing I love animals and will tolerate the swollen eyes.  I call The Ex to see how close she is.  She hasn’t left yet.  I see that Joburg hasn’t inspired her to start being on time.  Perfect – I could’ve slept another hour.

Seahorse, eating me

10:55 – She arrives, and found the place easily.  I’m quite surprised, knowing her directional skills, but then I remember I gave her directions. Becasuse she’s so late, we only have an hour before she has to leave again, so we go the to Cultural Village for food of some sort.

11:10 – The restaurant only opens at 12 and the Shebeen only sells beer and soft drinks.  There is an awesome lady at the reception area that will oranise ham sandwiches for us.  What is it with pork in this place?!  I decline and go with the cheese and tomato variant.

12:00 Things go pretty well, and to be honest, it wasn’t enough time with her.  I miss her, but now it’s more of a her, than what she once offered me.

15:30 After some wandering around, and attempting to write more, and fetching the kids from school with Shebee, it was chill time.  Or so I thought.  Was throwing a ball with one of the 8 years olds.  I mean, I love exercise, generally, as long as it’s sporty, so this would be good.  Hah!  What started out as a chilled throw around with one 8 year old, ended up as me getting beaten, by three of them.  I’m not entirely sure where they came from, or what spurned it on, but they took advantage of two facts: 1 – I was unfit, and running around for over an hour was taking its toll. 2 – Being very young, they really have no idea how vulnerable a guy can be in that place, so they repeatedly attempted to take me down in this manner.  I did the admirable thing, and coil over like a scared criminal protecting his jewels, and threw in the towel.

15:45 – I’ve just been instructed that Bergen will be coming to fetch us in an hour or so.  Off I go to shower again, only to find that there has just been someone in the shower.  I have fear of ice water running over me.  I planned my shower to not last more than 3 minutes to come out alive.  Looked out of the windows to see that they’re not frosted like most bathroom windows.  Well, I hope they enjoy the show.

15:48 Took too long and had to settle for luke warm.  Not pleasant at all.

17:07 I’m ready and Bergen has arrived.  Shebee is not ready.

18:05 – Arrive at Manor Bergen where we faff around for a while.

19:15 – Arrive at FTV Village Walk.  We’re obviously late as it’s PACKED.  Finally meet msbehavn and find she’s saved us seats.  I mill around for a little and find Cape Town Support Shawn Jooste near the front, where I also find free cocktails.  There are a few of us Cape Tonians here, Desrie, Marianna, and Jozi weekly-resident Elan.

19:30 – First intro by Mike Stopforth, followed by talk by Justin Spratt.  It should be noted that we had to really squint our ears to listen as there was no mic.  Broken, apprrently.  It’s a good talk about the economic situation and how it effects us, and what we should do, etc, etc.  There we lots of pretty graphs.

19:45 – We had some guy from Google, (The SA manager actually, Stephen Newton Country, to be precise), give us a talk about something, but to be completely honest, couldn’t hear a word he was saying, but I’m sure it was very informative.

20:30 – After spending R60 on a burger, yes, it still burns, we did the good thing and mingled.  Met a lot of people that i’ve wanted to for a long time, including, Za5 (don’t worry, that’s not his real name), Melody, Liam, Cherylann, Nafisa, Brad, Nadia, Vincent, Nick, Dave, Samantha, Walter, Saul, Shahil, Melissa, Ratmo, and so many other that i know I’ve forgotten.

21:00 – I’m asked by newly-met-friend that they’re going to find some sort of herb.  I presume oraginum, basil, or rosemary or soemthing along those lines.  As my food is finished, I decline saying I’d rather have a drink.

23:00 – Tequila time approched, as a few of us man enough to drink them headed to the bar.  Apparently, Mike Stopforth is petrified of tequila, so chickens out in fabvour of cough-medicine flavoured Jager, while Bergen nailed back a Potency.  Shawn whines a bit about it, but eventually drinks.

Exmi, Shawn, Myself and Sheena

Photo courtesy of Cherylann

23:30 – We’re pretty much asked to leave the venue.  Do these Joburg people not know how to party?  Too concerned with work has made them lame and boring.  We make a good decision to find food.

00:10 – Leaving the 24 Steers with food in hand.  I have absolutely no idea where I am.  It’s very quiet, though.

00:40 – We get a bend in the road, and there are two rabbits chilling there.  Bergen is going at about 341.8 km/h, and the one uses his bunny-like reflexes to get out the way.  The other looks at us for a while, then moves in the direction we’re turning to avoid it.  I’m struggling to find the words that describe the sound it made, but you get the idea.

00:50 – Steers really does taste better at this time of the night.  Plus the sauce I added to the chips is totally a winner.

01:00 – We bid Bergen a Bon Voyage.  He’ll probably inspect his car again when he gets home, and again in the morning, to see if there’s any bunny damage.

01:40 – Spent far too much time copying stealing buying borrowing movies when I should have been sleeping.  5 hours is not enough.

Tuesday

6:56 – My alarm goes off.  I push my hand out, push snooze for just 9 more minutes. Please.  Hand comes back under the duvet, covered in frost.

07:04 – What?!  Already? Surely that’s too soon? And it was.  This was the seconds alarm I had set, just in case I had turned off the first one.  Hit snooze.

07:05 – Please leave me alone already? I just want to sleep.

07:13 – FINE!  I’m up.  Please just stop singing.  I try get Shebee awake.  She’s not interested.  Just begs for water.  It is VERY cold this morning.  I’m told the cat was stuck inside the duvet in the night.

7:30 – I’m ready and waiting to get a move on.  So glad I hadn’t booked that 6am flight.  Shebee isn’t ready yet.  I don’t like being late at the best of times, but when I could miss a flight, not cool.

7:35 – She’s finally done.  I think.  Moaning about being drunk or something.  “No tequila ever again”.  Whole Sahara in her mouth.  You know the drill.  I don’t have sympathy for people that can’t take their drink.  And, besides, it was only one tequila.

7:55 – Arrive at the airport.  Fairly emotional goodbyes, a lot of tears.  From Shebee too.  Walk into the terminal.  It’s even smaller than before.  I can see both the international and domestic departures as I stand at the door.  I don’t stand in a queue, and walk straight to an overly happy guy behind the Kulula (and only) airline counter.  Doesn’t he know how early it is?! Freak.  I again ask to sit on the aisle.  Boarding at 8:20.

08:00 – Head to the one and only shop that’s there.  Get a good looking chicken mayo sandwich and a coffee.  Amazingly, and now, unsurprisingly, I don’t have to sell a whole kidney to afford this.  I love this airport.

08:05 – I go through the metal-detectors unscathed.  I’m half asleep and it takes me ages to get myself organised with laptop-jacket-bags.  I forget my boarding pass in the tray.  Downs coffee.  There is a really awesome lounge here, equipped with a coffee machine, making me having to buy this one redundant.  I take a seat in the really comfy chairs and stare at the people around.  They’re much more businessy than the flight to Joburg.  There is a “Complimentary Internet Terminal” right next to me, but I don’t have the energy for that.  And good thing too, a guys sits down, and then I hear the ominous sound of a modem dialing a number to use the web.  Wow.  What century do we live in?!  I finish the last of my coffee after spilling most of it.

8:30 – Each Kulula plane is branded with “funny” marketing on the side.  This one has a cow on it, and mentions something about mooving something something.  They really take their comedy seriously.  I take me seat one row from the back, on the aisle.  Perfect.  They must have listened to my previoulsy moaning about it.  @Kulula FTW. #brandplus.

The plane is fairly empty.  There is a gap between me and the overly stressed lady sitting at the window.  The guy in front of me is on the phone telling someone he’s on the plane.   Every time he moves, his whole seat nearly hits me in the teeth.  There are no pretty girls on the flight either.  Even the flight attendants aren’t.  Surely that’s a prerequisite? That and any male should have the dignity to be gay* to be more entertaining, but the “head-boss” is straight and boring .  The doors are closed, and we’re asked to turn off all electronic devices.

*Disclaimer – I just think gay men are entertaining.

Kulula’s “camo” themed plane

08:44 – The attendants have just finished giving their sately demonstration, and the I’m-so-important man in front is again on his phone telling someone how he’s on the plane and he’s important and all must halt until he’s back. Scary looking flight attendant glares at him.

08:50 – I’ve already said it, but take off is my favourite part of flying.  The huge accelration that pushes you back into the seat, the sudden white facial expression of the overly-stressed lady next to me as she grabs the magazine to distract her.  Gotta love panic.  I wonder if I should ask her if she’s heard about yet another plane crash.  Although, I don’t really want to be restained the wing with the smokers, as told by Kulula’s stand-up comedian.

08:55 – This plane is quite old.  There is a heck of a lot of noise.  Not nice, safe noise either.  Meh – Another plane won’t go down, NOW, right?

09:05 – Seatbelt signs go off and I head to the toilet to splash my face with water in the effort to wake up.  This “room” is tiny.  I don’t know how they expect anyone to hook up in here.  Honestly, where are their manners?

09:15 – I’m-so-important man doesn’t sit still.  He’s constantly bouncing around.  Seat, equally as active.  i imagine how he’d react to an elephant tranquilizer.

09:44 – Another boring flight.  I suppose there’s nothing really they can do to entertain.  Didn’t Axe come up with strippers on a plane?  That would seriously work.  But then they’d have a snake problem again.

09:48 – There are a few jock-looking guys joking around in the front of the plane, all wearing the same yellow/blue team-representing golf shirts.  All have their collars popped.  Don’t they realise that there are enough jocks in Cape Town, and we really don’t need more.

09:50 – Awesome.  Seat-selt sign has just come on and we’re being informed of some turbulance.  “Use of toilets are stricly prohubuted at this time.” How bad is it?  Overly-stressed lady next to me starts playing with her hair and leans forward.  If she throws up, I’m moving to the front, no questions asked.

10:00 – Seat-belt sign is still on, but it’s pretty mundane, if you ask me.

10:10 – A bit bumpier now, and I imagine Ace Ventura bouncing around in his Jeep, even though he’s on tar.  Okay, that was random.  What was in that water?

10:25 – We’re ahead of schedule and they want me to put my electronic device away again.  Ugh.

10:40 – Tyres hit the ground, calmly and without problems.  I can see my mountain again.  I’m extremely excited to be back in Cape Town.  Jozi was fine, but I missed Cape Town. Weird, it was only 3 days.

10:45 – Turns out that they’re not using the back exit and I have to go all the way to the front anyway, but I actually don’t mind waiting.  I eventually pop my head out, and really smile, looking around like an idiot (like you see in the movies), seeing my mountain again.

10:51 – I walk through the terminal and say hello to a new day…

Things I’ve learnt on my travels:

• I do not wish to live in Joburg.  Yes, money does make you happy, but I would have to get a lot to be happy there.
• There are awesome people in Joburg.
• There are a lot of hot nerds there, too.  Cape Town might have beautiful women, but for the most part, they’re not nerdy in anyway, and this is unfortunate.
• Sheena is pretty awesome for putting up with me for 3 days.
• I have not outgrown my allergies, they’ve just been hiding and waiting to strike.  All at once.
• Lanseria airport makes a lot of sense.
• Kulula really impressed me.
• I love Cape Town.  A lot.  If you’ve never been, I’m really sorry.  I don’t see myself living anywhere else.
• I need to get myself into gear and aim for that successful place I really want to be at.  I met a lot of successful people that make their own luck.
• Joburg tweeps are very incestuous and love to gossip.  And I liked it too.  Dirt is good to have, just not on your own hands.
• 27 Dinner is really awesome.  So, thanks for Mike and Melody for all the effort.
• I’ve grown up a lot in the last year.  Perhaps it was necessary to match the age I apparently look. I’m not 27.  I promise.
• This post took way too long to be put up.