This post doesn’t require any explained pictures, or fancy formatting. It doesn’t need your judgement. In fact, you may not be able to understand the reason behind my actions, but I know, and that is all I need.
I hope that you have never been cheated on. I also hope that you have never cheated on anyone. Let’s face it though, even good people cheat. When I was 19, I cheated on my then long-term girlfriend. It was a young-love long-distance relationship and I was drunk, young and after tail. The issues that ensued were ridiculous, and ultimately were a big part of our relationship ending, be it 6 months later. But the moral of the story, for me anyway, was that I needed to at that stage, to protect all future girlfriends. I never cheated on my ex. Granted, our first year together was a stupid let’s-see-who-can-hurt-the-other-more scenario, but it was never cheating.
I feel very sorry for those guys that always cheat on their girl, and I don’t really understand it. If you are in a relationship where you’d rather be with someone else, then end it. If you don’t have the balls to end it, then suck it up and be miserable, but don’t keep cheating on your partner because the opportunity presents itself and you’re too immature to be an adult about it. It makes me angry when people of a sufficient age cheat. And it’s made even worse by those same idiots that constantly do it, whether it’s with the same person, who’s also too weak to run, or if it’s with a different girl each time. Learn from your mistakes. People do change. They grow. They mature. They become who they should be.
I don’t want to, so I won’t, but I’m not going to explain my reasons to what happened today. To why I put myself in that position in the first place. Each relationship is different and should be treated as such, and I treated mine, and my break up, the way i thought it should be. I took my time, and never forced anything, and this has worked really well for me. I have been happy. I didn’t care how long it took. So, I might expect you to judge me for still staying in contact, but we all have our reasons, and when mine becomes clear, maybe I’ll share them with you. But yes, we still talk every now and then, and that’s okay with me.
We were also talking Monday night when she was upset about something, but assured me things were fine. I know her well. Things were not fine. On Tuesday, she was online again and she eventually asked if she thought it was okay that we spoke about their relationship. She still wanted that from me. She promised me that she wouldn’t lean on me when things were bad, but things were obviously really bad. I told her that I didn’t think it was okay, but that we should still talk. This was a huge mistake. Thankfully she argued with me for a while about telling me. I told her it would be okay, even though it would never have been. She didn’t and that was that.
Then came today. Wednesday. She asked me if I had told anyone about us being together at the beginning of the year. About our moment of weakness and vulnerability. Don’t roll your eyes, it happens all the time. It’s part of the whole cycle, and I also saw it as closure. Or whatever. Anyway, I hadn’t mentioned it and she asked that I didn’t. Fine. “Because he can’t find out. Even though we weren’t ‘offical’, he would view it as cheating”. Hmmmm. Interesting. Details aside, but at that instant, he found out about it. She said she had to go away for something and I didn’t hear from her in a while. She had left me hanging in the middle of our conversation. I had no clue what was happening. I was a little confused and just needed answers now. But eventually she called. Very upset. She and him had ended it. I was in my happy place lately, and not even having to deal with this was going to change that. So I spoke to her. I reasoned and did my best to tell her she was okay. She really wasn’t, though. We spoke about us for a little bit. There were a lot of silences. And then, in a quiet whisper, she told me that she had cheated on me.
There are few things worse than cheating on a long term partner. Lying is pretty high up there. I never asked her, while we were going out, if she had ever cheated on me, because I trusted her. When we broke up, all insecurities forced me to ask her, and she told me no. That was the same answer she gave me every time asked, and I asked a few times. “No”. It must have been burning inside. For the last four or five months of our relationship, she lied to me. It was while she was in England. With someone I trusted as far as I could throw. I’ve said it before, and will probably say it a few times again, but trust your instincts. That little feeling inside. It knows things.
She was not in a good place today, but I suppose I shouldn’t be caring. But I do. Not for anything that I’m holding onto, because that phase has gone, but for the person. For her. I think when things have calmed down a little bit, I might release some of the anger that must be building inside. I have been calm and collected. I have been distracted. But alone time is a broken soul’s enemy. Leave your brain to think, and it will. It’ll think about them together. About her coming back and being with you, telling you she loves you. And maybe even about how your breakup makes a little more sense to you.
She always valued lying as the worst thing you could ever do. I wonder if she knows what she’s done. I know she’s upset, but I wish she would just know. I’m not angry yet, and only sometimes am I upset. I’m sure once this light goes off, and my head touches the pillow, I’ll be a different person. But right now, I’m still just okay. I know, though, that it won’t last, and with that, I’m still okay.
Now, it’s going to get a little soppy, so if you’re sensitive to that type of behavior, you may want to look away.
Don’t cheat on your partner. No matter how far into a relationship you are. But people make mistakes, we’re only human. Just don’t you dare fucking lie about it. Be honest and open with the person you supposedly love, because it’s not just you in it, there is another fragile person too.