My ex has been in town since the first of the month, and I have not had any intention of seeing her. I hardly spoke to her in the weeks leading up to it, and it didn’t change while she was here. But it made me uncomfortable to know that she was here now. I avoided certain areas, but not to change my living of life. She is set to leave tomorrow, and I told her if she wanted to meet up or chat. So today I got a call.
It’s a little bit weird for me that it still has a “catch-your-breath” effect on me. The relationship ended ages ago. Sure, there were things in the middle to act as speed bumps, but still. Yet it does, and when I saw her name on my phone, I did stop breathing. I answered, and it began€¦
She was angry. Very angry. She had found my blog (after talking to a mutual friend about blogs). Her curiosity must have gotten the better of her, and she just had to look. Of course, one of the featured posts is about cheating. Her cheating. And so she read. She read of all the things she had done, and the feelings it caused me. She read the comments written by followers of how she “is a leech” and how “she’s poisoning your life”. I’m not saying that these statements were wrong, but they were never meant for her eyes. They were for me.
There was always the chance that she would come across the site, and I’ve never tried to hide anything. I’ve never lied. I was open and honest in my forum. I never directly mentioned her, nor have I slandered or said anything mean. If you don’t really know me, then you have NO idea who I’m talking about, and if you’re close enough to know, then you already know. People who don’t blog could never understand what it’s like to have a whole separate world to talk to and to have them listen too, no matter who they are. I hope I don’t know half the readers. That’s what it’s about for me. That’s what I want. Those same people that “don’t get Twitter” could not understand it. But that’s okay too. You don’t need to. This is my world and my life.
In retrospect, she didn’t explain why she was so upset, or in fact, explain anything, so I can’t really explain it myself, but I suppose she has some value to her argument, and that is fine. But this was not the way I wanted things. I kept having to remind myself about what she had done in order to be angry again and not want to see her. I still miss her. Not everything that came with it, but her. I miss the person.
In her angered frame of mind she told me to delete every contact I have of her. I won’t. That would be silly. But she no longer wants to talk to me. And I have to respect that. She called again a bit later, calmer and we had a small chat. She thanked me for everything that we had. It really was amazing. I tried to tell her the same. But she still wants nothing to do with me again. Ever. Perhaps this is the way it was supposed to be? I don’t know. I do know that I’m feeling sad just knowing it’s no longer a friendship, and that person isn’t quite there. I can’t really explain it further than that. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.
I don’t know if she will ever read this again, I don’t think it matters, but I don’t think it’ll change how or what I write. She hinted that I delete the post. I could never. I have deleted one post, for the fear of causing a rift with my best childhood friend. This is my source of expression and my chance to be as open as I want to be without the risk of any judgement. This is my blog. I’ve put a lot of work into it, and I have every right to put here whatever I feel. It just so happens that my blog is personal, but it’s just that. It’s personal. About me. My life. I am truly sorry it upset her so much, and sorry that it has now caused what it has, but I’m not sorry I wrote it. It was for me. And for now, that’s what it’s all about.