Today is of somewhat significance, and I wanted to write about it, not because I felt I should, but because it’s an end of a chapter. Or maybe even the whole scene. I got the idea from a blog I’ve come across lately, and I think her’s is awesome.
This is going to be tough to write because as much as I want to be completely honest and open, I know I won’t be able to. Please just remember, I’m baring all here, so don’t be too brutal.
It’s been about two weeks since we last spoke. We ended a roller-coaster breakup with a real goodbye. A goodbye where you no longer want to even think about me. I still think about you, though, even though it’s been this long. I hope you do too. But it’s not the same way anymore. How could it be. I miss you. I miss the person you are, or at least were. I’m sure you’ve changed, as I have. But deep down, I’m still the core being I’ve always been, I just know it better now. I know what I want, and I know if I’ll be able to get it out of every situation. But it’s you I miss. You were my best friend, my confidante, my lover. You knew my every secret and I knew yours, and we still loved for them.
I’m not sure if this is the way it was supposed to be. It might have been less painful had we ended things this way from the start. Although, we all need certain things to happen in order to learn and grow€¦ But I’m not sure these were worth it.
Like you said, I don’t regret anything. Being with you was worth it. Every day. We made each other happy, and I will always love you for it. I will always love you. I don’t care what else has happened, or what people say, that could never change.
Your friends still hold that grudge against me that they always have. Only you could really understand this and see the humour in it. I thought with you in another city I would be able to at least not have to worry about anything, and have you not in my face. But even this weekend, when one of your friends introduced me as “This is Neal. You know, J’s Neal”, with her stupid condescending tone, it still made me angry and upset. They judge me. But how dare they. They were never my friends, and I’m glad they are yours.
Today is your birthday. It’s the first birthday in 5 years that we are not speaking. That’s a long time. But at least I didn’t have to stress over your present for weeks before choosing several. It’s been very difficult to not wish you, but those were your rules, and I’m playing by them. It’s time we actually started doing that. But that rule-breaking is exactly how we got together. I really do hope you’ve had a good day.
My mother still talks about you, so all those fears you had were rubbish, as I always told you. I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it many times again after this, but thank you. Sincerely and honestly. For the gifts and friendship and love and memories and everything. You made me smile. You got me. I know it wasn’t always pretty, but when it was, it was. You will never be forgotten.
I really hope you get to read this letter, because this is my last letter to you. I will not send it to you, because that would be unfair, but maybe, somehow, you know it’s here. I’m not sure you fully understand how the blog works, or how it’s helped me, but you need to stop being angry about it and try appreciate the good it’s brought. After not knowing this for a while, I do want the best for you, as you would want the same. Anger made me not care, but that has subsided. It’s all very clear now.
So yes, this is goodbye. But it is unfortunate. You were right, nothing has changed. But so was I – Everything has changed…
Love you always,
PS – I was going to add “In a beautiful pea-green boat”, but then I thought that might not be appropriate€¦