So here I go again. This is I think number four of me starting this post. That normally never happens, but this time it just wasn’t working before. Nothing was flowing and I was distracted by the situation, whether it was anger or something else. But now there are people shouting at me for not writing enough, and they’re right. I’ve tried to post, but I’m still not sure it flows as it should, but anyway…
I’m always right. I’ve always been right. But just once, I wanted to be wrong. I wanted every feeling to be wrong. So I went to the party. I went with the intention of being a nice person. And hoping for the best. And I did. I put all doubt aside, (mostly), and went. But I was right. Everything I had told my mind and my friends were right. Oh, the irony of how we used to argue that she was always right.
I’m glad I didn’t try write and post on Saturday when I was so angry, because I would’ve probably been mean and brutal to the parties involved, but DTradegy cleared that up for me. So I’m not going to be childish about this. I’m going to tell the truth, because that’s what I do.
Through my medium-crisis breakdown a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about ending things with a girl. It had reached the point where it had to go one of two ways, and this is the choice I made. I have my reasons, and I’m not going to go into them now, but they are there. And they are mine. And they are valid. But it was mainly because I had trust issues. I was screwed over in the past, and yes, it’s going to effect the future, but that is my burden now. And when I asked about what was going on, I was told there was nothing to worry about. That I was being silly. That there was no flirting. That what I was seeing wasn’t really what I was seeing. Yet, just three weeks later, here they were together. I might be overly paranoid sometimes, but here it was, for all to see. That makes me feel pretty kak.
I was upset because I did/do actually care. And that’s normal. But I’m not sure if people were being malicious. AND, what really annoys me, is that the guy involved knew the situation. He knows me. Yet he didn’t even say a word to me about things. But I suppose this is how people are. People only have themselves in mind, and maybe we all need to start to be the same for self-preservation and a drama free life? I’m also shocked at how fast she got over things. Which makes me think that she was just trying to throw it in my face, but the other side of my head says to not think that, that people are not malicious and that their actions are, in fact, for themselves. Or maybe this really was her way of saying fuck you?
In the last few days of thinking about it, I have come to some clear conclusions that I am fully aware of:
- I ended things – This doesn’t change how I felt. I guess you have your reasons for doing what you did, but I also want you to be aware of what you’re doing. I’m not here to hurt you, so get that out your head. But just think about why I might be behaving the way I am. Think about yourself. Don’t force things just because you want something. I know I have my problems, but I know pushing it now would not have helped anyone.
- My gut is right. Always.
- People never surprise you.
- I have awesome people in my life – You should know who you are.
So I’m done ranting and talking about this now. I’ve had enough of it pressed on inside. But I have a friend’s voice of reason in my head that always reminds me of how things are. He’s telling me to stop over-thinking every issue and just let things happen. And so I shall…