Humble pie. The bitter pill to swallow. It’s bitter because no one likes to ever admit to being in the wrong. But the thing with letting it out is that as you eat that pie, it slowly begins to taste okay. In saying that, I’m not writing for me to feel okay, but yes, I have done one or two things badly.
Jumping into something requires that you jump with two feet. There can’t be any of this half-arsed stuff. No playing around with people’s emotions because you’re unsure of what you want. My worry is I’ve seen it before. Not necessarily by me, but I’m seen it. And this time, it was me. I bought her flowers and made her excited, but my feet were firmly planted on either side of that line. The one foot might have joined the other at some point. It just didn’t stay there long enough, and by the time I was ready to figure stuff out, it was too late. The “problem” is, it wasn’t meant to get to this point. It was supposed to be relaxed and easy and uncomplicated. But this is reality.
It needed to end because I didn’t know if I could commit. There were a lot of things standing in the way, and so it ended. But it’s the same old story. You’ve heard it before. Yet i think it’s time to sort it out. There can’t be this constant fear every time I hit a certain point. The trouble is, it’s that fear that clarifies it in that specific light, making me think that that’s the way it is. Yes yes, I know, that doesn’t make any sense.
Writing my posts, however, is my way of letting go of things. I write them as my therapy. Of course I want them to be read. So I let people know, and I hope that they read them. But that isn’t the reason they’re there. I might write some things that aren’t very nice and some things that hurt. But, I don’t write them for that purpose. And, writing them might be wrong in every single way but I’m not sure I would stop. So if it hurts and bruises and bleeds, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting and having to do it this way, but know that it isn’t the point of it all. Someone I met the other day told me that as soon as I start editing myself, and leaving things out like that, then it stops being real and honest. And it stops being me. Those of you that really know me will know that all I need is honesty.
I hope you can see that this is my attempt of admitting I’ve been wrong. I like to think I’m always right. However, now I’m swallowing that pill. I’m done being a douche – it’s really not who I am. Or not someone I want to be. I’ve said it before; if you don’t learn from the experience then there was no real point to it in the first place. So I’ll be more mindful about jumping in and do it properly when I should be and stop being a mind fuck for people that matter. If only it was all a little simpler to do. If only we weren’t tiptoeing, afraid to make the leap. If only things weren’t so fragile. If only were weren’t so black and blue. But it’s exactly all of that which will make it all worth it in the end…