A white horse, from my knowledge, is that object you crave, but can never have.  It’s always there, but just out of your reach.  After time, the horse will eventually run, escaping your memory.  But don’t breathe too easily, because it will soon be replaced by a new, shiny white horse.  A white horse can be anything you want/need/crave/desire.  In this case, we’ll talk about the most desired: Women.

Since I can remember, there has always been a white horse in my life.  There are, of course, a few reasons that cause this to remain a white horse:

1. She’s too hot

This is a weird one for me.  I am of the opinion that once I know the girl a little, that I am talking to her, then I’d be able to take it any direction I wanted.  That was a while ago, and the Hot Girl was a big spanner in that thinking and confidence.  I don’t know why, but I’m increasingly more intimidated with the Hot Girl.  I know they’re just women too, but I just can’t seem to shake it.  So, more so now, there seems to be one around.

2. She’s a friend

Tough one.  I personally believe that platonic relationships are never truly possible.  But, unless I’m 329% sure that the “times” are aligned, there’s no way I would ruin a good friendship.

3. She has a boyfriend

Or fiance.  Or husband.  This is a fun topic, isn’t it.  You want a girl that has a guy.  I, personally, would never try and break them up, because you should never be that person.  But this person seems to always be someone you get along amazingly with.  You never really have a shot at it, and if you try, you may be that guy forever.

4. The one I fucked up with

The one from the past who you seriously screwed up with, and of course, you only realise this when it’s far too late.  You might be friends with this person now, or you no longer speak, but they’re always there in back of your mind.  What-ifs are no good, though.

5. I just don’t have the balls

When I was in high school, there was this girl.  Hot as the sun, we got on like crazy, but I just never did anything about it.  This is the one occasion where I might feel regret about not doing anything because I really have no excuse.

Of course, these situations are amplified if they’re a combination of each other.  Imagine 1, 2 and 3 were all one person.  That’s three things to have to get around.  And would you risk it?! But what if you were one of these people being talked about – What would you do?

A lot of people will argue that this would never effect them, but those are the same people that could go out and pick up anyone they’d like.  And that’s not me, and I’m not the type of person to take that risk where I’d lose everything.  But I think there comes a time where you need to risk it all?

So, which one do you think is around now, which one do you have around, what have I left out, which one are you or more importantly, what would you do…

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Bit About Being Right
• A Little Something About My Absence
• A Little Something About Speaking Too Soon
• A Little Something About Platonic Relationships

Jumping into something requires that you jump with two feet. There can’t be any of this half-arsed stuff. No playing around with people’s emotions because you’re unsure of what you want. My worry is I’ve seen it before. Not necessarily by me, but I’m seen it. And this time, it was me. I bought her flowers and made her excited, but my feet were firmly planted on either side of that line. The one foot might have joined the other at some point. It just didn’t stay there long enough, and by the time I was ready to figure stuff out, it was too late. The “problem” is, it wasn’t meant to get to this point. It was supposed to be relaxed and easy and uncomplicated. But this is reality.

It needed to end because I didn’t know if I could commit. There were a lot of things standing in the way, and so it ended. But it’s the same old story. You’ve heard it before. Yet i think it’s time to sort it out. There can’t be this constant fear every time I hit a certain point. The trouble is, it’s that fear that clarifies it in that specific light, making me think that that’s the way it is. Yes yes, I know, that doesn’t make any sense.

Writing my posts, however, is my way of letting go of things. I write them as my therapy. Of course I want them to be read. So I let people know, and I hope that they read them. But that isn’t the reason they’re there. I might write some things that aren’t very nice and some things that hurt. But, I don’t write them for that purpose. And, writing them might be wrong in every single way but I’m not sure I would stop. So if it hurts and bruises and bleeds, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting and having to do it this way, but know that it isn’t the point of it all. Someone I met the other day told me that as soon as I start editing myself, and leaving things out like that, then it stops being real and honest. And it stops being me. Those of you that really know me will know that all I need is honesty.

I hope you can see that this is my attempt of admitting I’ve been wrong. I like to think I’m always right.  However, now I’m swallowing that pill. I’m done being a douche – it’s really not who I am. Or not someone I want to be. I’ve said it before; if you don’t learn from the experience then there was no real point to it in the first place. So I’ll be more mindful about jumping in and do it properly when I should be and stop being a mind fuck for people that matter. If only it was all a little simpler to do. If only we weren’t tiptoeing, afraid to make the leap. If only things weren’t so fragile. If only were weren’t so black and blue. But it’s exactly all of that which will make it all worth it in the end…

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About Speaking Too Soon
• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Bit About Being Right
• A Little Something About The White Horse

I’m always right.  I’ve always been right.  But just once, I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted every feeling to be wrong.  So I went to the party.  I went with the intention of being a nice person.  And hoping for the best.   And I did.  I put all doubt aside, (mostly), and went.   But I was right.  Everything I had told my mind and my friends were right.  Oh, the irony of how we used to argue that she was always right.

I’m glad I didn’t try write and post on Saturday when I was so angry, because I would’ve probably been mean and brutal to the parties involved, but DTradegy cleared that up for me.  So I’m not going to be childish about this.  I’m going to tell the truth, because that’s what I do.

Through my medium-crisis breakdown a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about ending things with a girl.  It had reached the point where it had to go one of two ways, and this is the choice I made.  I have my reasons, and I’m not going to go into them now, but they are there.  And they are mine.  And they are valid.  But it was mainly because I had trust issues.  I was screwed over in the past, and yes, it’s going to effect the future, but that is my burden now.  And when I asked about what was going on, I was told there was nothing to worry about.   That I was being silly.  That there was no flirting.  That what I was seeing wasn’t really what I was seeing.  Yet, just three weeks later, here they were together.  I might be overly paranoid sometimes, but here it was, for all to see.  That makes me feel pretty kak.

I was upset because I did/do actually care. And that’s normal.  But I’m not sure if people were being malicious. AND, what really annoys me, is that the guy involved knew the situation.  He knows me.  Yet he didn’t even say a word to me about things.  But I suppose this is how people are.  People only have themselves in mind, and maybe we all need to start to be the same for self-preservation and a drama free life?  I’m also shocked at how fast she got over things.  Which makes me think that she was just trying to throw it in my face, but the other side of my head says to not think that, that people are not malicious and that their actions are, in fact, for themselves.  Or maybe this really was her way of saying fuck you?

In the last few days of thinking about it, I have come to some clear conclusions that I am fully aware of:

• I ended things – This doesn’t change how I felt.  I guess you have your reasons for doing what you did, but I also want you to be aware of what you’re doing.  I’m not here to hurt you, so get that out your head.  But just think about why I might be behaving the way I am.  Think about yourself.  Don’t force things just because you want something.  I know I have my problems, but I know pushing it now would not have helped anyone.
• My gut is right.  Always.
• People never surprise you.
• I have awesome people in my life – You should know who you are.

So I’m done ranting and talking about this now.  I’ve had enough of it pressed on inside.  But I have a friend’s voice of reason in my head that always reminds me of how things are.  He’s telling me to stop over-thinking every issue and just let things happen.  And so I shall…

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About Speaking Too Soon
• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Something About The White Horse
• A Little Bit About Being Wrong
• A Little Something About My Absence

I have never broken up with anyone before. There are many reasons for this. One being because I have never been honest with myself, or my partner. There are many reasons. I know myself more now and know what I want and what I feel – And this just didn’t feel right. So, for the first time, I ended this before it had a real chance to get anywhere significant. Perhaps I spoke too soon on the last post?

She says she’ll wake up tomorrow and be okay. I’m not sure I can believe that. Maybe my ego won’t let that be the case, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can simply wake up one day and be fine when there were feelings involved. I know, I’m not going to wake up and be fine. This wasn’t done because I wanted to hurt her. It would’ve been unfair to keep going on when I knew there was something not quite right there.

We got on really well, and she was a really special person once you get to know her. But this is the stage in a new relationship where things are supposed to be chilled and easy and fun. But they weren’t. There had already been one or two issues, and I promised myself that I would not let that happen again. I coudn’t handle closed-off-ness at times, yet the open times at others. I know there are things we keep inside, but I’m human. I got confused too. This didn’t just come because I got cold feet. There are reasons!

I guess this is part of the whole dating thing, but just so you know, it doesn’t feel so great. There are some things that I’ve learnt out of it, though:

• Not all relationships are meant to last.
• Dating isn’t easy.
• People are extremely complex creatures which logic can not solve.
• It’s going to take a lot for me to trust again.
• I really miss companionship.

I know she’s going to be angry for a while, and she won’t believe my genuinely sincere words, but there is a reason and I hope she’ll see it. She needs to realise that I am really one of the good guys and they do exist. This just wasn’t right.
I don’t know if I’m ready for something serious just yet, but I still really miss having someone around, and I really loved having that again. Being single has both its pros and cons, but I don’t really think we have a choice in which side of the fence we’re on at times. I’m going to keep living as I need to and I know things will happen as they do…

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Bit About Being Wrong
• A Little Bit About Being Right
• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About The White Horse

Okay, so maybe that’s a little extreme.  But only maybe.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the last few months have proven to be very successful for budding wedding ceremonies – From engagements to just the plain old two people getting together on a serious level.  I don’t know if it’s the water at the moment, but the couple bug seems to be going around.  Be aware!

Now, I don’t want to be rude, insensitive, or otherwise, and I certainly don’t intend to offend anyone but, I am just going to remind you that this is my blog.  Now, in saying that, there is little worse than feeling slightly alone, and living with 2 people that are in new relationships.

You know, the honeymoon stage.  Granted, one couple is more affectionate than the other, albeit, a lot more, it still makes a difference being there all the time.  I don’t think that they make it worse, maybe just aware.

It was Valentine’s day on Sunday but, it doesn’t bother me.  What bothers me is that I don’t think I have met one person over the last 19 months or so, that I can actually be with.  That “can” has many connotations with it – They may include age, current status, location, etc.

But the fact of the matter is that I want sparks. And bubbles.  And all those other things that everyone craves so badly.

I know you can not force these, but it doesn’t mean I can’t want them.  Yes, I’ve been on the odd date, even though not for a while, and yes, I know I’m a good person, and all those things… it’s still a desire i have.

I will keep trying to go out and meet new people.  This is one of my tasks for the year.  Once I can do that, maybe I’ll be able to meet some people I like.  Work, as well, has been sapping a lot of my energy but, I don’t mind that too much.  It’s something that I think is worth it. For me.

Anyway, that was just something I needed to get off my chest.  I am not unhappy, just unsettled.  Fidgety.  We’ll just see how this year will unfold.

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Something About The White Horse
• A Little Bit About Being Wrong
• A Little Bit About Being Right

Going out recently, I did some observing.  Now, I know every club is different, but this is still very applicable.  It’s funny when you’re the only sober person amongst the booze filled drones.  You see things you wouldn’t normally see.  You notice how desperate some people are for tail.  It’s different when you’re in the chase.  When you’re all completely smashed.  You really only have one agenda.

The guys think they can get away with anything.  I look at the dance floor and there are a lot of guys touching girls.  But the girls like it.  I see the drunkest guy approach a girl.  He splashes her with his drink.  He says she’s too hot.  He then walks away.  It’s corny, and sleazy.  She loves it.  Her and her friend go all giddy.  It’s ridiculous.

The guys are like hawks.  They stand around the circular dance floor.  Some hunt in packs, others just lurk.  They stare, presumably looking for a target.  It’s all quite primitive.  I’m waiting for them to pull out a club, bang a few on the head, and drag them towards the door by their hair.

Yes, yes, I know it’s difficult being single.  I know people deal with it differently.  So this is just another way.  Maybe I’m just bitter I’m not able to go out and “do the whole random thing”.  Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the show from here.

I just don’t find it easy.  The awkward ‘how do I approach them?  Did she just make eyes at me? What do I do now?’.  It’s just the way it is.  Confidence is everything.  Mine just comes out at different times, in different situations.  If I wanted, I could have any girl here.  But do I?  Could I really? What is the point of taking some drunk random home.  She doesn’t know me.  She’s doing it because she’s drunk.  Yes, it might be fun, but could it really have a future?  Never-the-less, there is a time and place for everything.

I came out, not really thinking, not worrying, not trying.  I prefer it that way.  It means I’m rarely disappointed.  In reality it’s never that simple.  It all comes back to each individual and really how drunk you are.

I eventually make my way back to my group of four friends.  They’re all women tonight.  Lovely ladies.  Most are single.  A drunk chap comes to dance.  It’s been making the rounds.  I saw him earlier scouting.  He grinds heavily against one of my friends and she quickly moves away.  So he tries his luck on the next.  How do guys get so cocky and arrogant that they think they can do that?  He goes around the group, and ends up where he began.  He likes the blonde one.  So he tries again.  She moves away towards me, but I can’t be a boyfriend for all of them.  So, I do something I’ve never done before, nor will do again soon.  I play the gay guy.  The girls then try pimp me off to him.  I’m comfortable enough with me to know it’s fun.  He’s not interested.  I try dance with him but he moves away. I wonder what he doesn’t like about it.  Some creepy guy trying to dance with him.  He doesn’t get the hint and tries with my blonde friend again.  Maybe I don’t make a very good gay man.  (Thank goodness).  Eventually I tell him I’m not gay, and he should please piss off now.  He leaves, dancing, to try his luck somewhere else, and so the cycle continues.

Days later, I now have 2 girls downstairs, crying.  They’re staying with us (a housemate).  She’s upset about the asshole guys around.  I actually find one of the girls very attractive.  It’s unfortunate she kissed a friend.  I want to go there and try explain that and everything else I’ve just written about, but I hear my name.  I have no clue what I did.  I ignore it but keep a keen ear open.  She’s sad she’s single.  She has been single a while.  She wants the companionship.  Blah blah blah.  We’ve all been there.  But this is just a symptom of it all.  It’ll continue and everyone will keep dating not really knowing what they’re looking for until they think they’ve found it.

I’m not criticising.  Really.  We all have our own ways of being single.  I just think some people’s ways are interesting.  I just can’t get drunk and kiss the nearest person next to me.  I’m sometimes envious of the people that can.  But I have things they can’t do, and I’m excited I might get to show you next…

Photo credit goes to friend Matan Tsabari.

Related Posts:

• A Little Bit About Jumping
• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Something About My Absence
• A Little Something About Randomnessness

Now, I have tried on numerous occasions to write this without telling a story, but that has proven to be very difficult. Anyway, it’s a little long, but please bear with me, as I finally get it out.

A lot of people will tell you that one of the best ways to get over an ex is to jump into bed with who ever will have you.  This has it’s obvious benefits, but it has just as many negatives.

As most of you might know, my break up came to me as a bit of a surprise.  Yes, there were the problems that we were both very aware of, and the fact that she was moving to a new city played a huge role in it, but that exact reason was what I thought would keep us together until the very last possible moment.  It wasn’t to be, and I found myself hanging on.  (This is something I feel is quite obvious, though.  The person that is the one left clutching at straws will always have some hope… Blah blah blah). Anyway, about a month later, I was chatting to this girl online.  We’ll call her ‘RBG’. We were friends of friends and have never met but had occasionally chatted via the mass emails that were sent over Gmail. I actually thought she was a bit freaky.  In the state I was in, there was little that was better than staying at home every night and spending large amount of time online doing nothing in particular.

It started very simply, one night:

22:16 RBG: Why on earth are you online at this time of night?

That night, we spoke for an hour. 240 lines long. A week later, the conversations spanned over 600 lines. RBG and I started chatting a lot more.  We got on really well with each other.  Sent a couple of photos to each other.  Told each other secrets.  She had recently broken up with her long term boyfriend.  She was the perfect distraction.  I had started feeling myself again.   A day after 600 lines, I went over to her place with a bottle of wine.  We had officially met.  We watched a movie, ate chocolate and drank rather large glasses of wine.  All was well.  And it ended very well.  I stayed over there that night and it pretty much took off from there.  I was the perfect person.  I made her dinner.  I did the dishes when she cooked.  I made her smile and laugh.  And, I made her sweat,  I left her wanting more.  I was so excited by her.  I told my friends about her.  She even took me to a ballet, and I went with no second thought.  I tried to make her happy.  She, after all, was also going through one or two bad things too.  We were both aware of the dangers after just getting out of a relationship.  And I certainly was not ready for anything crazy deep.  But what we had was awesome.  And now, SHE left me wanting more.  This was surprising.  This was good.  This, all the while, trying to forget the ex.

And it was working too.  Until the ex called.  She needed something one night, and she didn’t know who else to call.  Generally, I am the guy that friends would call when they’re in a spot, and I would help out without thinking about it.  I had no problem with it.  Now, that, along with the fact that my ex now was wanting to see me, had me out there helping without any hesitance in 5 seconds flat.

This is where The Ex and I sort of started talking again. It had been about 7 or 8 weeks since we had broken up and I was quite happy not talking to her.  But I missed her.   And, you still have that little bit of something that tells you she wants you back.  She broke up with me, of course I thought she had some inkling to get back together.  But that really was never my intention.  It was over and I had completely accepted that. Then why the hell was I fixing things?  Why did we start talking again?  Why did we try so damn hard?!  It always seems worth, but now, isn’t hindsight the most wonderful thing.

RBG and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months and it was amazing. Everything I did with her was great.  Every second was worth it.  I never wanted to be anywhere else or with anyone else.  It was a tough time, though. We were both writing exams and had other things happening.   But this was when my head told me that I wasn’t ready to a relationship.  “STOP!  What the fuck are you doing?!  You are bruised and broken and here you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position! Idiot!”

“But it made me feel better!” I tried to reason.   But no, my brain took over and started to affect the relationship RBG and I had.  I stopped trying, and stopped being so affectionate.  But I still loved being around her and with her.  And then I lied to The Ex.  I had told her that I hadn’t been with anyone, thinking that this would tell her how weak I was and how much she should know I needed her.  Again, blah blah blah! Whatthefuck was I thinking?!  In reality, I think I needed to know if she had been with anyone.  But no one should ever have that knowledge.  It will only cause more damage than good.   I think this is a good time to point out that RBG knew I was seeing the ex, and this made things very difficult.  She was uncomfortable with it, and I could see it in her face, yet she never really said anything.

I kept seeing RBG for a another couple of weeks or so after that day at The Ex’s.  A bit later, I was seeing The Ex again, and somehow, my lie had reared it’s ugly head.  There were a lot of tears.  I then had to explain a lot.  Some things I wouldn’t have ordinarily told her.  Things about RBG – Like how long and if I had feelings for her. She said it was for me lying to her, that all her trust had disappeared and she didn’t think we could ever be friends.  These were not the words I ever wanted to hear, especially after we were so cautious to be friends again. After much arguing and trying to calm her, we eventually found a sort of middle ground.  I can’t really explain it now, because I’m not entirely sure I understood it all – I mean, I was still confused as to why we had broken up in the first place.

The next day, RBG was leaving. She had finished varsity and was moving back home to a land far far away.  Things with her and I had to end.  She was moving away, only to be seen when she came back to pack up her house. We spoke and both knew we needed to end things. So we did. Right?  She was clearly very attached, and I knew it too.  But so was I.  We eventually said goodbye with a kiss. Reality is too complex to let it end there.  We continued to sms each other messages and chatted regularly.  The time came and she was coming back to Cape Town.  I tried not to kiss her, but resistance was futile.  It only went as far as that kiss but the next day, I slapped her with the news that I would be driving across the country with The Ex to move her back to her home.  Things were not well and we stopped talking completely. But this was what I wanted and needed right?  To get that emotional worry and burden out my life while I still so raw from the last one.  (Just for the record, nothing happened between The Ex and me on the drive.  Nothing at all.  Can someone be the first to believe it?)

I’m not sure what happened but she eventually stopped being angry at me and we chatted once or twice.  She told me she would be back here for new years.  I was apprehensive but the day came and I was actually going to go.  It was at a house in a town about an hour outside here.  I had met the host once but there were a few close friends going and they convinced me to go.  I mean, what else could I do?!    A few of the group, some of which I had never met, went through a few days before. This few included RBG.  So I drove there in my car.  Things were weird.   Very uncomfortable, but I was determined to be okay with it and we would see how things would go.  We all took a walk down to the beach.  It was there that I noticed RBG and The Host.  There was definitely something there.  I’m not blind (really).  I saw it.  And it upset me.  I was furious.  Who did this guy think he was?!  And seriously, what was her aim in this whole thing?

I tried to put it aside, I even invited her to go to the shops with me to talk it out, but she declined.  Things were still very weird with us.  So I left the house and tried to make myself feel better. It didn’t work.  I was a little shocked that I even felt this way in the first place.  I wasn’t the one who was supposed to have these feelings.  I was clearly in this more than I had ever realised.

We eventually got the balls to sit down and talk about it.  Alcohol is good for some things.  She told me that she missed me and I told her the same.  She kissed me, and I kissed her back.  She then stops and tells me that she can’t and needs to go back to the party.  Things are a little better.  She tells me that we need to try and enjoy ourselves. Pah!  Simple, hey.  We leave her room and go our separate ways.  She goes back to The Host, and at least she tries to be discrete about it.  He looks at me.  I tell him with my eyes that she really wants to be with me, and you’re just a lame second.  Oh yes, you’re an asshole too.

We do our own thing, but I don’t feel any better.  I tell a friend about it, and he hates the guy with me.  Calls her a bitch too.  Haha.  It’s the little things, I guess.  RBG and I try and play is cool, but that doesn’t seem to be working, and we found ourselves in her room again.  We kiss again.  All over each other, but someone breaks the kiss.  She looks upset, and starts to cry.  I don’t quite know what to do, but we talk it out for a little bit, before she looks deeply into my eyes and tells me that she’s fallen in love with me.  I’m pretty much speechless at this stage, and I don’t really know what do do or say.  I remember kissing her again.  We talk for a little bit more about how much of an idiot I have been and how things may have been different.  She again leaves, saying that she can’t do this, even thought she so desperately wants to as she has spent he last few weeks trying to repair herself.  She tells me that I crushed her.  She leaves to go back to The Host, and I avoid her.  I get really angry.  Frustrated.  Lost. Mad. You name it.  And this cocky, womanising fuck with his condescending smirk, just being there.

So the friend and I got high.  It was quite possibly the best thing I could do.  I tried to stay away and pretend.  But I knew I couldn’t.  And so did she.  We didn’t speak again that night.  When sleep finally called me, I found myself a couch and closed my eyes, hoping for it to come soon.  Instead, all I could hear were sounds.  Not sounds you ever want to hear.  Sounds of her with him.  Sounds that make you want to be sick.  Even a year later, they still make me sick.  It’s something I will never forget.

The next day went quickly.  I left the instant I could, and that was that.  We didn’t speak for a long time.  But when we finally did, she wanted to know why I was so upset.  So I told her.  She had no idea what had happened.  Didn’t help the fact that it hurt so much.  Didn’t change anything.  She left a few weeks later to the UK, and I wanted nothing to do with her.  But I forgive people too easily.  Never forgetting.  I will never forget.  This year has been hard, but it’s another thing that has helped me grow.  I forgave her and a few months later we were talking again.  Things were okay.  I was over it. Mostly.  Yet, ironically, I missed her a lot.  Can’t explain why, but it just is.  I don’t know if I ever loved her, but she’s a really lovely person that just helped in the whole process.   I know I hurt her.  But she hurt me too. In saying that, I think she and I will be really good friends one day, if not already.

So, there I sat, months later, missing RBG.  A lot. I tried to tell her too.  In fact, I did tell her.  I used those exact words, but whether it was the wall she had put up to protect herself, or she just didn’t care anymore, but I didn’t get the response I was looking for.  Using another cliché, you never know what you have until it’s gone. And the cherry on top, the grass is always greener on the other side. Always.

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About My Absence
• A Little Something About My Personal Space
• A Little Bit About Being Single
• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About A New Life

These last few weeks have had me happy.  Like really, proper happy.  It’s weird because a friend that I had met on Twitter saw me last night and said I was quite a miserable person.  I didn’t really like that, but it was good to get the external perspective.  (I guess).  But, in reality, it didn’t really bother me.

I’ve started feeling single.  Like properly I can go out and do anything and not care about anyone else single. It’s nearly a year on, and I have finally moved into a place I am happy about.  I have my cupboard doors completely  covered with photos, and I spent a while removing the ones I thought were okay to be there.  I was told they weren’t, so off they went.  But yes, don’t get me wrong, I am loving it, only to bitch and moan about how difficult it is being single.  I have even started actually being single.  I know that’s weird, but it’s not really.  I’ve gone out and surprisingly even spoken to complete strangers.  Got numbers, met new people, gone on the first date in years, and have been given the wrong number by someone. (I can’t imagine why, I mean really?!)  It’s all pretty much complete.  All that’s left to do is actually be single with them.  All is not lost, I still have hope.

One thing I was told by the ex when we broke up was that I should use this time to go out and learn about myself.  Blah.  I’ve been living with myself my entire life, anything I don’t already know will come out when it’s good and ready.  I have, however, discovered that I’m a little obsessive and become quite easily infatuated.  This has always been the case with me, but I’ve only recently been reminded about how silly I am about it.

I have been so obsessed to find someone new, that I haven’t really been enjoying myself.  Okay, so that’s not entirely true.  Actually, that’s not true at all.   I have been having a great time, which as ultimately made me more relaxed about things.  And, looking at the infatuation definitition, I’m being infatuated fairly often, with even the smallest things.

My infatuated obsession has jumped around to no less than 3 girls over the past month, each making me think that my longing for company will be fulfilled, but not having it has only helped me realise that I don’t really need it just yet.  Sure, it’ll be good, but I think I like this single feeling.  This weekend was again spent with friends and fun, and right now, in this moment, that’s all I really need.  But if she happens to fall into my lap in doing so, I won’t be complaining.

All this being said, it is really the frame of mind that dictates just how good we feel – In that moment.  I mean, throw a teaser at me, and I’ll probably be hooked again, but this time, I plan to be in control, and if not, I’ll damn well be enjoying myself in the process… And G-d help you all when that happens.

obsession |Ébˆse sh Én|

noun

the state of being obsessed with someone or something : she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession.

€¢ an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind : he was in the grip of an obsession he was powerless to resist.

infatuate |inˆfa ch oōˌāt|

verb ( be infatuated with)

be inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for : she is infatuated with a handsome police chief.

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About Randomnessness
• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Something About My Absence
• A Little Something About The Rebound-Girl

But now, weeks pass and you miss it.  Badly.  You miss your horse.  The way it galloped in a technique only you could fathom.  And it had the most beautifully groomed mane.  But that bitch broke you.  And you never forget.  So you try a few other horses.  Ugly, unattractive, shallow horses, but they ride really badly and all you’re left with is a stiff back and what feels like a hangover.  Then, one day, you’re walking through the stables and you come across a real beauty, the kind of horse that makes you stop and just admire.  Without thinking, you jump on it, and bolt out the stable at full speed, riding for miles and miles.  You’re having a really great time until you realise how far you’ve gone out and you’re already exhausted.  The horse still seems ready for more, so you slow down to a trot to try keep it happy, but it still doesn’t help.  You’re too concerned your riding fitness is really low, so you eventually turn and make your way back, with the horse seemingly unhappy.  You eventually get back to the stables, and dismount slowly.  You’re both hurting, and went way to fast to appreciate it properly.  You leave awkwardly and call every now and then to see how the horse is, but that long hard ride caused reoccurring injuries that you thought were all better.  This time, treatment is harder, longer, and much more painful.  You don’t think you’ll ever ride again.

The hardest part of a breakup is the recovery, obviously.  No one can tell you how to do it, or how long it’ll take before you’re okay, but when you’re ready to jump back on the horse, you’ll know.  About a month after my breakup, I got together with a really amazing girl.  We were together for a few months, but it really was too soon for me, and I ruined something that may have been very different if it had been at a different time.  I’m so truly happy that it happened, maybe not totally the way it did happen, but happy, still, and I’m really glad we’re good friends now.  She doesn’t really know how much I appreciate her and how much I really adore her.  I’ve tried to tell her, but I’m not sure she really believes me.  Needless-to-say, she was soon out of my life, and I was once again left in a painful hole.

The good thing about this time is that it was my time.  It was the first time in quite a few years that I was just with me, to be me, to learn more and to grow.  The recovery period has taken a long time, but it really has been about me; I haven’t even had the odd fling.  But now, I think I’m ready, for whatever this damn world has to offer.

Or so I thought.  I had been chatting to this girl for quite some time, getting quite close, and very personal.  And I kinda really liked her.  But Twitter causes problems as well as fixes them, and due to our online presence, we both got affected by seeing things, even if there wasn’t anything there to begin with.  And what makes it worse, we were not in any type of real relationship whatsoever.  Wait, that can’t be true, I like this girl.  But she got hurt, and drifted slowly away without actually telling me what was wrong, and I was far too slow in drawing the answer out of her.  So, after all of that, she wanted the “let’s start from the beginning” approach.  Yay.

So, here we sit, both online.  My brain tells me not to message her because I shouldn’t.  It really sucks when you know you should stop, but you just can’t.  So, of course, the first few nights I didn’t stop.  I tried, tried both to stop, and then to see if there was anything still there.  Too little to late, though, and I got nothing.  There was once a small glimmer, a glimmer I didn’t quite understand, but it turned out to be a funny reflection.  She’s still online and it makes me wonder who she’s talking to now, who has her pretty, amazing attention.  She’s probably reading this, in which case, don’t get freaked out, but it had to be said.  I guess it’s time for another medium recovery now.  It’s a real pity.  Really.  But I’m ready, and I will be fine.  Bring on the stables…

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About The Last Few Months
• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Something About My Absence
• A Little Something About Randomnessness
• A Little Something About The Rebound-Girl

Platonic |plˈt¤nik|

adjective

of or associated with the Greek philosopher Plato or his ideas.

€¢ ( platonic) (of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual : their relationship is purely platonic.

Picture this:  Mary and John have been great friends for 3 years.  They have both been in and out of relationships throughout the time but now Mary has just been dumped by her boyfriend and she and John are sharing a bottle of wine to try feel better.  Mary is feeling sad, lonely, bitter, and hates men.  John is feeling horny. (Do not assume this is any different from the way he normally feels).  Mary bitches about men, bitches about how badly she has been treated, and John consoles her.  John gets up to go to the loo, and as he does, Mary catches a whiff of John’s cologne – The same cologne he has worn for years.  It grips her chest and she let’s it hang on her thoughts as it slowly dissipates.  She really can’t explain it but suddenly she finds John attractive.  Had these feelings been there before? She didn’t think so, and it kinda freaked her out a little.  The rest of the night finishes without any incidence.

Platonic relationships obviously happen all the time, but are they really really that?  Can two people of the opposite sex truly be good friends and neither one develop feels for the other?  I don’t believe so.  I think at one point or another, one person will have some inkling to hold the other down and kiss them ’til they like it.

It is very important to know which side of the fence you’re on.  Why?  There are so many reasons.

Because you’re trying so damn hard to be friends with your ex.  Does he realise she still have such strong feelings for him?  She makes him think they’re not there just so they can stay close, only to be hurt later.

Because you’re sharing a flat with your best guy friend from varsity and all of a sudden you have a Mary and John situation and that is super complicated.

Because she thinks that he’s a really nice guy, just ’cause he is, not realising that he thinks the world of her, and basically wants to pin her down and do amazing things to her with his tongue.

Because you might not even realise it, but your best opposite-sex friend might just have eyes for you, but you were too blinded by the fact that that possibility was just too ew. And maybe, just maybe, you have those same strange feelings boiling around inside.

Another complexity arises when you think you should do something about these feelings.  You shouldn’t.  Put them away, ’cause there are two realistic outcomes.

1.  You wake up the next day, naked, and next to one of your good friends.  Awkward

2. You get the balls to finally try kiss her and she pulls away with a strange look on her face.  Awkward.

Both cases leave you in a very uncomfortable situation. Of course, there is the possibility that you end up dating and spend the rest of your lives together.

We had this discussion over dinner the other night, and not one person agreed with me.  That means they’re saying they could have completely platonic relationship with all their friends.  Forever.  I don’t buy it.  So, I haven’t quite decided how I exactly feel about it.  Talking to more people, and seeing the relationships I’m in, have made me realise that after a certain amount of time, it would move from a lusting over someone, to actually wanting to really be with someone.   I look at my closest girl friends now, and I would never consider doing anything with them, but that doesn’t include how each of us used to feel, or how we might feel in the future.  I’m not saying you can’t be friends with someone, because very often, these little crushes are over by the time that you’re that close, but there must be a reason we’re not really friends with our exes, as much as we’d like to think we are. Friendships are funny things. Work at them when you can, because they will be worth more to you than anything else.  Don’t ruin one for a quick shag, but then again, it might be totally worth it if your best friend is the girl of your dreams.

Related Posts:

• A Little Something About A New Life
• A Little Something About My Absence
• A Little Something About My Personal Space
• A Little Bit About Beautiful Women
• A Little Something About The Last Few Months