After a hike up Lions Head on last Friday, a friend in the group decided that a Table Mountain outing would be in order.  There were just too many locals in the group that had never done it.  It was agreed that Skeleton Gorge would be the best idea.  It’s not too difficult and would only really take the morning to do.  And we had Wednesday as a public holiday.  Perfect.  But there are several tips that you’ll need to know if you’re thinking about doing something similar.  Please read the following list very carefully.  These tips will be invaluable to your survival.

1. Weather – You want good weather.  Plan ahead.  View as many weather sites as you can.  See if Simon Gear is available.  Wind and temperature are all crucial when climbing a mountain.
2. The night before – If you plan on beginning at 8am, you need to get a good nights sleep .
3. Do not trust the weather man.  He will always lie to you – If you follow step 1, you must be prepared for this being completely wrong.  Cape Town’s weather mood can be compared to a woman in menopause.  This will cause you to think that you will not be hiking the next day.  And the next day being a public holiday can only mean you’ll now go out with the intention of not climbing a mountain.
4. The night before ii – If you’re going to go out, do not drink.
5. Prepare for the morning – Discuss, in your drunken state, with your drunken friends, at 4am, that the weather is going to be shit.  Agree that climbing is not a good idea.
6. Calm down – You need to remain calm when someone that wasn’t out with you wants to know if you’re still on for the mountain.  Do not shout and swear.  Just go back to sleep.
7. Calm down ii – Remain calm when your housemates knock on your door, urging you to get ready.  Try not use words sailors are afraid of.  They are your friends.  They are your friends.  They are your friends.
8. Prepare – You must now prepare for the day ahead in 10 minutes.  Still drunk.  This is risky, but must be done.  You need to ensure you have everything.  Pack your bag with things you may need.  Items such as sunscreen are important.  Others like a golf glove are not.
9. Brush you teeth – Please.
10. Sunscreen suit-up – The earlier the better. Make sure to cover all bare areas.  This includes ears and hands.
11. Groups are safe – Leave in a group to ensure your safely on the way there.  However, be sure you have selected a good group of friends to go up with.  You don’t want overly asthmatic people, or people that suffer going up stairs.  I’m serious.  You’re going to be climbing a mountain.
12. Stock – Make sure you have supplies for the trek.  Stopping at the nearest petrol station is a good idea.  You can probably buy everything you need here.
    • Water – Do not be shy without the amount of water you take.  You will thank me later.
    • Food – Pies are a good option.  Make sure your bag will house them properly.  (Try eat a little bit now)
    • Energy – Take a couple of chocolates and maybe an energy drink for sugars.
13. Punctuality – Leave as soon as you’re ready.  You’re now nearly an hour late.
14. Start Happy – And with excitement.  This is good to keep you motivated on your journey.  Keep your group entertained with jokes and humour.
15. Be Selective – Do not take person who is asthmatic. And left her asthma pump at home.
16. Avoid Trees – Now, this is very important.  There are a lot hidden trees across your path that jump out when you get close to them.  They are one of the many walls that are put up to demotivate you.  You must stay strong.  Keep your eyes open, and your head low.  Try not to show pain when you’re too slow to react.  When your friends laugh, laugh with them.  Then your tears will appear to be of joy and not excruciating pain.
17. Keep Going – Now, this is the time when you will feel your worst.  Your thighs will begin to burn, and your stomach will start to talk as if possessed.  Your throbbing head will now pulse in your ears.  Your body will tell you that eating a pie is a good idea.  You need to fight these feelings.  Your brain needs to switch on and take over.
18. Be clever – this is where you reaslie the important of step 15.  You decide to leave her with the group of people that she found (with a pump), not thinking of the drama that will soon ensure.
19. Keep Hydrated – Last night’s “couple of drinks” now means any liquid you have in your body is only bile.  Keep drinking water, or you will face a horrible death.
20. Keep Going ii – This is the point you realise how much of a mistake the pie was.  You now taste the bile.  If you were alone, you will feel very comfortable in lying down, fetal-style, and weeping, while you pray for death.  These are the symptoms to avoid.  You’ll consider excuses of leaving the group in order to heave.  But you must fight it for your pride and dignity.  (Even though everyone may already be drunk off your fumes)
21. Listen – A runner, yes a runner, will pass you and inform you of this magical place.  He’ll tell you of a beach on the mountain.  You’ll laugh with him, but soon realise he isn’t joking.  You will be sceptical, but need to remember step 14.
22. Relax – When you reach the water, you’ll think it’s a dream.  It’s not.  Touch it.  Dreamy water is not that cold.  Now chill.  The rest of the way is downhill, and that’s easy.
23. Eat – When you get home, you’ll need to replenish your low energy levels.  Eating the pies you haven’t eaten yet is a good idea.  But this is also the time you realise that you should have packed better.  “Pancake pies” still taste the same, by the way.

So, I hope this helps with future mountain endeavours.  Feel free to leave your own tips below.

This post doesn’t require any explained pictures, or fancy formatting.  It doesn’t need your judgement.  In fact, you may not be able to understand the reason behind my actions, but I know, and that is all I need.

I hope that you have never been cheated on.  I also hope that you have never cheated on anyone.  Let’s face it though, even good people cheat.  When I was 19, I cheated on my then long-term girlfriend.  It was a young-love long-distance relationship and I was drunk, young and after tail.  The issues that ensued were ridiculous, and ultimately were a big part of our relationship ending, be it 6 months later.  But the moral of the story, for me anyway, was that I needed to at that stage, to protect all future girlfriends.  I never cheated on my ex.  Granted, our first year together was a stupid let’s-see-who-can-hurt-the-other-more scenario, but it was never cheating.

I feel very sorry for those guys that always cheat on their girl, and I don’t really understand it.  If you are in a relationship where you’d rather be with someone else, then end it.  If you don’t have the balls to end it, then suck it up and be miserable, but don’t keep cheating on your partner because the opportunity presents itself and you’re too immature to be an adult about it.  It makes me angry when people of a sufficient age cheat.  And it’s made even worse by those same idiots that constantly do it, whether it’s with the same person, who’s also too weak to run, or if it’s with a different girl each time.  Learn from your mistakes.  People do change.  They grow.  They mature.  They become who they should be.

I don’t want to, so I won’t, but I’m not going to explain my reasons to what happened today.  To why I put myself in that position in the first place.  Each relationship is different and should be treated as such, and I treated mine, and my break up, the way i thought it should be.  I took my time, and never forced anything, and this has worked really well for me.  I have been happy.  I didn’t care how long it took.  So, I might expect you to judge me for still staying in contact, but we all have our reasons, and when mine becomes clear, maybe I’ll share them with you.  But yes, we still talk every now and then, and that’s okay with me.

We were also talking Monday night when she was upset about something, but assured me things were fine.  I know her well.  Things were not fine.  On Tuesday, she was online again and she eventually asked if she thought it was okay that we spoke about their relationship.  She still wanted that from me.  She promised me that she wouldn’t lean on me when things were bad, but things were obviously really bad.  I told her that I didn’t think it was okay, but that we should still talk. This was a huge mistake.  Thankfully she argued with me for a while about telling me.  I told her it would be okay, even though it would never have been.  She didn’t and that was that.

Then came today.  Wednesday.  She asked me if I had told anyone about us being together at the beginning of the year.  About our moment of weakness and vulnerability.  Don’t roll your eyes, it happens all the time.  It’s part of the whole cycle, and I also saw it as closure.  Or whatever.  Anyway, I hadn’t mentioned it and she asked that I didn’t.  Fine.  “Because he can’t find out.  Even though we weren’t ‘offical’, he would view it as cheating”.  Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Details aside, but at that instant, he found out about it. She said she had to go away for something and I didn’t hear from her in a while.  She had left me hanging in the middle of our conversation.  I had no clue what was happening.  I was a little confused and just needed answers now.  But eventually she called.  Very upset.  She and him had ended it.  I was in my happy place lately, and not even having to deal with this was going to change that.  So I spoke to her.  I reasoned and did my best to tell her she was okay.  She really wasn’t, though.  We spoke about us for a little bit.  There were a lot of silences.  And then, in a quiet whisper, she told me that she had cheated on me.

There are few things worse than cheating on a long term partner.  Lying is pretty high up there.  I never asked her, while we were going out, if she had ever cheated on me, because I trusted her.  When we broke up, all insecurities forced me to ask her, and she told me no.  That was the same answer she gave me every time asked, and I asked a few times.  ”No”.  It must have been burning inside.  For the last four or five months of our relationship, she lied to me.  It was while she was in England.  With someone I trusted as far as I could throw.  I’ve said it before, and will probably say it a few times again, but trust your instincts.  That little feeling inside.  It knows things.

She was not in a good place today, but I suppose I shouldn’t be caring.  But I do.  Not for anything that I’m holding onto, because that phase has gone, but for the person.  For her.  I think when things have calmed down a little bit, I might release some of the anger that must be building inside.  I have been calm and collected.  I have been distracted. But alone time is a broken soul’s enemy.  Leave your brain to think, and it will.  It’ll think about them together.   About her coming back and being with you, telling you she loves you.  And maybe even about how your breakup makes a little more sense to you.

She always valued lying as the worst thing you could ever do.  I wonder if she knows what she’s done.  I know she’s upset, but I wish she would just know.  I’m not angry yet, and only sometimes am I upset.  I’m sure once this light goes off, and my head touches the pillow, I’ll be a different person.  But right now, I’m still just okay.  I know, though, that it won’t last, and with that, I’m still okay.

Now, it’s going to get a little soppy, so if you’re sensitive to that type of behavior, you may want to look away.

Don’t cheat on your partner.  No matter how far into a relationship you are.  But people make mistakes, we’re only human.  Just don’t you dare fucking lie about it.  Be honest and open with the person you supposedly love, because it’s not just you in it, there is another fragile person too.