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Going forward to today, I’m much more confident and happy with myself.  I know what I want out of life, and even though I haven’t quite set goals, I have an idea of where I’m going.  Things are changing, and I hope they continue on the up.

I’ve refined my hobbies
I’m playing cricket much more seriously now.  I’m not any better, or playing a higher level, but I’m taking it more seriously.  I haven’t taken nearly as many wickets as I did last season, but I’m captaining our fourth team, and starting to enjoy it a bit more.  So, besides the injuries, it’s going well.
My photography is also keeping me pretty happy.  I’m really enjoying it and also learning to use Lightroom a lot more.  I’ve started developing a new photoblog site which is also pretty cool but I’ll keep the good pics going up on Flickr.
I’m also developing a few WordPress sites for people. Nothing complicated at all, but I enjoy it and it’s good fun and sometimes brings in a bit of money.

A new relationship
So, I have a girlfriend.  Like a real one.  With boobs and everything.  And things are good.  It’s been about 5 months now and even though I am still slightly hesitant with giving my entire everything out, I’m doing it.  Slowly but surely.  It’s her pretty face you can see in the image attached.

A new home
I’ve moved into a new flat in Vredehoek.  It’s a really cool little place with the best view in Cape Town.  I haven’t quite settled in as yet: One of the rooms (mine) doesn’t have a cupboard, so until that’s installed, I can’t really settle.  But the place is great and hopefully, I’ll be sorted soon.

A new job
This is a big step for me.  I’ve been at RedButton for four years now and have a special bond with them.  I know the company very well and enjoy working here.  But it’s time for a change.  I need it.  And a great opportunity has presented itself, almost by chance.  I had sent my CV to a few places and got a call back from this one in particular, setting up an interview.  There I met the CEO and was told the job I had applied for would bore me, but she had an idea.  And with that, stemmed a new position for me as Primedia Online’s (including Prezence and 365Digital’s) Brand Ambassador.  Basically, I’ll be doing a whole bunch of PR and marketing, which is fairly brand new to me.  It’s a little nerve wracking to be honest, but I’m really excited to be fully employed by the digital realm at last.

So, those are the latest and biggest changes in my life.  And while the saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same” is always applicable, I have changed.  Neal version 2 is pretty darn awesome…

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People are ruled by emotion.  They’re driven by anger, intimidation and sadness, but also by happiness, confidence and lust.  ?It’s what keeps us fresh and worth the talk and company.  Without the emotion you’re just a hairy ball of nothingness.  I, most certainly, write best in the throws of emotions.  It comes out quite clearly in the posts I compose and each post will centre around those themes that are automatically included.  For me, this seems to be much easier with the negative emotions, and now I sit with happiness and I’m seriously struggling.

Happiness is the second hardest topic for me to blog about only preceded by sex.  I can write maybe one post about it before it becomes repetitive.  And let’s be honest, unhappy people don’t like to read about happy people. Yet, they can always relate to the morbid and melancholy.  And despite this, happiness is the one thing man strives for.  And so, that’s the main reason why I haven’t blogged. Happiness has taken me.  That coupled with work and work and work, and new things and liking sleep.  It’s all come together quite nicely.

Why am I happy? I’ve started a couple of things to try bring in some extra income and that’s worked twice.  Work-work has been tough, but good – I’m slowly sorting out things that have taken far too long. I’ve removed all, if not most, of the things and people that bring me down in life.  And to top it all off, I’m seeing a girl that just simplifies everything.  And this, especially, makes me happy.

On the other side of the coin, I considered stopping this blogging thing.  I mean, I started blogging because of the place I was in.  I was a mess.  Broken.  And lying in a pile with the laundry.  Being able to write about everything helped me to a point I can not even begin to describe.  And now, that cycle has truly passed.  ?And to be honest, I’ve also received a few comments on the blog lately that really did bring me down.  Plus all the drama I’ve caused by just writing about me and what I’ve felt.  But talking to a couple of people at the SA Blog Awards last night: out of all the people that read the posts, only a couple felt this way enough to comment – And that’s not a bad number.  I even mentioned stopping to a couple of friends, but they told me I was being stupid in no uncertain terms.  And thinking about it more, it’s near impossible I’m going to stay like this forever.

So, I’ll stick by my guns.  If you don’t like it, don’t read it.  I’ve said it before, and I’m likely to say it again and again, but I write for me, not for you.  I post for me.  For my escape.  ?I’m not the best person to talk to let my things out, so I write.  And I love it.  If you do relate, and do like what I have to say, then even better.  Those negative comments mentioned “?If you believe all women want sensitive, emo boys you are wrong, we want a balance between strong, independent and masculine with caring, loving and romantic”.  ?But as I’ve said, we’re ruled by emotion, and that was all the emotion coming out in my posts.

In this drama-free life I’ve adopted, it’s very difficult to blog with all those other negative emotions, when you’re trying so hard to avoid them. ? But, I cant stop this blogging thing, it’s been too damn good to me.  But i have a plan, I just have to stop being so damn lazy, make some changes, and let’s see how this goes…

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A white horse, from my knowledge, is that object you crave, but can never have.  It’s always there, but just out of your reach.  After time, the horse will eventually run, escaping your memory.  But don’t breathe too easily, because it will soon be replaced by a new, shiny white horse.  A white horse can be anything you want/need/crave/desire.  In this case, we’ll talk about the most desired: Women.

Since I can remember, there has always been a white horse in my life.  There are, of course, a few reasons that cause this to remain a white horse:

1. She’s too hot

This is a weird one for me.  I am of the opinion that once I know the girl a little, that I am talking to her, then I’d be able to take it any direction I wanted.  That was a while ago, and the Hot Girl was a big spanner in that thinking and confidence.  I don’t know why, but I’m increasingly more intimidated with the Hot Girl.  I know they’re just women too, but I just can’t seem to shake it.  So, more so now, there seems to be one around.

2. She’s a friend

Tough one.  I personally believe that platonic relationships are never truly possible.  But, unless I’m 329% sure that the “times” are aligned, there’s no way I would ruin a good friendship.

3. She has a boyfriend

Or fiance.  Or husband.  This is a fun topic, isn’t it.  You want a girl that has a guy.  I, personally, would never try and break them up, because you should never be that person.  But this person seems to always be someone you get along amazingly with.  You never really have a shot at it, and if you try, you may be that guy forever.

4. The one I fucked up with

The one from the past who you seriously screwed up with, and of course, you only realise this when it’s far too late.  You might be friends with this person now, or you no longer speak, but they’re always there in back of your mind.  What-ifs are no good, though.

5. I just don’t have the balls

When I was in high school, there was this girl.  Hot as the sun, we got on like crazy, but I just never did anything about it.  This is the one occasion where I might feel regret about not doing anything because I really have no excuse.

Of course, these situations are amplified if they’re a combination of each other.  Imagine 1, 2 and 3 were all one person.  That’s three things to have to get around.  And would you risk it?! But what if you were one of these people being talked about – What would you do?

A lot of people will argue that this would never effect them, but those are the same people that could go out and pick up anyone they’d like.  And that’s not me, and I’m not the type of person to take that risk where I’d lose everything.  But I think there comes a time where you need to risk it all?

So, which one do you think is around now, which one do you have around, what have I left out, which one are you or more importantly, what would you do…

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Jumping into something requires that you jump with two feet. There can’t be any of this half-arsed stuff. No playing around with people’s emotions because you’re unsure of what you want. My worry is I’ve seen it before. Not necessarily by me, but I’m seen it. And this time, it was me. I bought her flowers and made her excited, but my feet were firmly planted on either side of that line. The one foot might have joined the other at some point. It just didn’t stay there long enough, and by the time I was ready to figure stuff out, it was too late. The “problem” is, it wasn’t meant to get to this point. It was supposed to be relaxed and easy and uncomplicated. But this is reality.

It needed to end because I didn’t know if I could commit. There were a lot of things standing in the way, and so it ended. But it’s the same old story. You’ve heard it before. Yet i think it’s time to sort it out. There can’t be this constant fear every time I hit a certain point. The trouble is, it’s that fear that clarifies it in that specific light, making me think that that’s the way it is. Yes yes, I know, that doesn’t make any sense.

Writing my posts, however, is my way of letting go of things. I write them as my therapy. Of course I want them to be read. So I let people know, and I hope that they read them. But that isn’t the reason they’re there. I might write some things that aren’t very nice and some things that hurt. But, I don’t write them for that purpose. And, writing them might be wrong in every single way but I’m not sure I would stop. So if it hurts and bruises and bleeds, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting and having to do it this way, but know that it isn’t the point of it all. Someone I met the other day told me that as soon as I start editing myself, and leaving things out like that, then it stops being real and honest. And it stops being me. Those of you that really know me will know that all I need is honesty.

I hope you can see that this is my attempt of admitting I’ve been wrong. I like to think I’m always right.  However, now I’m swallowing that pill. I’m done being a douche – it’s really not who I am. Or not someone I want to be. I’ve said it before; if you don’t learn from the experience then there was no real point to it in the first place. So I’ll be more mindful about jumping in and do it properly when I should be and stop being a mind fuck for people that matter. If only it was all a little simpler to do. If only we weren’t tiptoeing, afraid to make the leap. If only things weren’t so fragile. If only were weren’t so black and blue. But it’s exactly all of that which will make it all worth it in the end…

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As I type, I’m sitting in my happy place. I’m on the couch of my grandmother’s home in Hermanus. I look out the window in one direction and I see mountains. In the other, I see the small koppie that once had an electric candle on it’s head before a fire changed that. I’ve been coming to this home before I was born, and Hermanus has only good memories for me. It keeps me sane. I think a lot of that has to do with my gran too. She sits here struggling to read her crossword puzzle now, sometimes commenting on the way the village has changed so much or to pass some more of her dry humour that I understand so well. It all comes together beautifully.

I have only ever brought one girl here, and even though that remembrance is always here, it is something that is now part of this place, and it’s something I’m glad is . I’ve walked around the nature reserve and driven the road staring at the houses. I’ve spent many many days on the beaches, which started out with building sand-castles and then developed into admiration of the talents that visited the white sands.

This is my escape. My calm. My place. I sit here and watch the rain fall outside. It makes me happy inside. And it’s better than any drug you’ve ever tried. I think my point here is that everyone should have some kind of escape. Whether it is a real place or a place you disappear to when you vanish into your head. The memory and the significance of my happy place holds everything I need to focus and stay sane. And I would suggest you go and do the same…

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It centres around a young man and woman that each clear their memories of each other because of her unhappiness and his anger that she did hers. All is well until he’s going through each memory before it’s erased and he realises that he doesn’t want them erased, and this got me thinking – Why would anyone want to erase a memory like that… Or any memory at all?

A memory can be found in several ways. It can hit you when you’re least expecting, by even just the smallest sense being touched. And our past, is our past. For the all the hurt and pain, there is also happiness and ecstasy. And most importantly, it makes us who we are. We learn from our mistakes, and we grow. And, I can’t help but think that without these memories we’d be bland drones, all on auto-pilot.

One of the many noteworthy quotes was this: “I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had… I wish I had stayed. I do.” I know how he feels. I know that ‘I wish’ feeling well. Regret offers many issues, and along with it, you’ll want to either go back, or erase it. But doesn’t enough regret force you to stop wanting to feel it again?

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

- “Eloisa to Abelard” Alexander Pope

I dunno. Maybe it’s just me, but I could never erase a memory. And there can’t be a double standard of “only erasing the bad ones” because we will always need the comparison of the two. Both sides of the coin. The contrast. All just there to be able to show you how good the good really was without forgetting the bad that got you to the good in the first place.

The movie showed the two main characters finding each other again, after each memory had already gone. They fell in love all over again. You can erase the memory, but if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Perhaps it was their second chance at fate? So, even though the movie left me a little melancholy, maybe it showed that despite it all, you can always go back to square one and try it all over again…

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I’m always right.  I’ve always been right.  But just once, I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted every feeling to be wrong.  So I went to the party.  I went with the intention of being a nice person.  And hoping for the best.   And I did.  I put all doubt aside, (mostly), and went.   But I was right.  Everything I had told my mind and my friends were right.  Oh, the irony of how we used to argue that she was always right.

I’m glad I didn’t try write and post on Saturday when I was so angry, because I would’ve probably been mean and brutal to the parties involved, but DTradegy cleared that up for me.  So I’m not going to be childish about this.  I’m going to tell the truth, because that’s what I do.

Through my medium-crisis breakdown a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about ending things with a girl.  It had reached the point where it had to go one of two ways, and this is the choice I made.  I have my reasons, and I’m not going to go into them now, but they are there.  And they are mine.  And they are valid.  But it was mainly because I had trust issues.  I was screwed over in the past, and yes, it’s going to effect the future, but that is my burden now.  And when I asked about what was going on, I was told there was nothing to worry about.   That I was being silly.  That there was no flirting.  That what I was seeing wasn’t really what I was seeing.  Yet, just three weeks later, here they were together.  I might be overly paranoid sometimes, but here it was, for all to see.  That makes me feel pretty kak.

I was upset because I did/do actually care. And that’s normal.  But I’m not sure if people were being malicious. AND, what really annoys me, is that the guy involved knew the situation.  He knows me.  Yet he didn’t even say a word to me about things.  But I suppose this is how people are.  People only have themselves in mind, and maybe we all need to start to be the same for self-preservation and a drama free life?  I’m also shocked at how fast she got over things.  Which makes me think that she was just trying to throw it in my face, but the other side of my head says to not think that, that people are not malicious and that their actions are, in fact, for themselves.  Or maybe this really was her way of saying fuck you?

In the last few days of thinking about it, I have come to some clear conclusions that I am fully aware of:

• I ended things – This doesn’t change how I felt.  I guess you have your reasons for doing what you did, but I also want you to be aware of what you’re doing.  I’m not here to hurt you, so get that out your head.  But just think about why I might be behaving the way I am.  Think about yourself.  Don’t force things just because you want something.  I know I have my problems, but I know pushing it now would not have helped anyone.
• My gut is right.  Always.
• People never surprise you.
• I have awesome people in my life – You should know who you are.

So I’m done ranting and talking about this now.  I’ve had enough of it pressed on inside.  But I have a friend’s voice of reason in my head that always reminds me of how things are.  He’s telling me to stop over-thinking every issue and just let things happen.  And so I shall…

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Saturday

I woke up somewhere after lunch to the voices of my male housemate, A, and our very good friend and neighbour, L.  I heard talk of ICU and hospital.  I was very confused.  I stumbled out of bed once L had left.  Apparently, my other housemate, J, was in ICU.  She had had trouble over the past week or so with speaking.  She just couldn’t get the words out.  She had an appointment with the neurologist on Friday, and that was the last time we had seen her.  During her MRI, she had her first seizure.  This was all a little mind blowing.

There was a sms from a friend I had promised to do brunch with.  She wanted to know if I was still alive.  In her awesomeness, she excused my tardiness, and we met for  brunch – At 3pm.  She let me bitch about my previous evening, and she bitched too.  I value her friendship very dearly, and appreciate being her Coop.

I went to Oblivion that evening to see an old friend who was now back in Cape Town after a medium stint in Londontown.  It was good having her back and joking with her and her clearly over- (or painfully under-) sexed friends.  I had a good little chuckle about one of these friends:  Her boyfriend, who’s birthday it was, seemed to have something against me.  Or his friend did.  Either way, I heard them talking about slapping me.  I waited patiently, but alas, there was no outcome.  In the mood I was in, it would’ve been interesting.  A good night was had.

Sunday

The morning was spent at the hospital.  I really don’t want to be insensitive, but I’m a little tired of hospitals.  After the last few weeks with my gran, I can barely handle being in them right now.  But A and I were asked to be there.  We, eventually, met with the surgeon for him to explain what was going on.  J has been diagnosed with Encephalitis.  The problem is, they don’t actually know which form.  She had a Lumbar Puncture, and they know what, they just couldn’t see why. It could, hopefully, be one of two reasons – one being so new and rare, that only a lab in Oxford could do the tests.  And that may take up to two months.  They’ll still be doing other tests, though.  He explained to us that she’ll be there for at least 10 days, but when she comes home, we need to monitor her.   She won’t be back at work for 3 months, and will not be allowed to drive for around a year due to the seizures.  Yes, this is pretty hectic.

The afternoon and evening and night was spent with a girl.  A girl I have been seeing for a few months.  Spending time with her has always been about us.  And most of it was spent in bed, and rightly so as whatever went on in that bed was most certainly worth it.

Monday

I had Monday off as I was going to see Portugal take on Korea DPR for a lunch-time kickoff, so I had a bit of a lie in with the girl as she called into work saying she was going to the doctor as she was sick.  A valid excuse.  Almost.

Met Grum at his office just before 12 and we made our way to the Green Point Stadium.  Seating was pretty awesome, on the 2nd tier of the Korea goal for the second half, which meant we witnessed 6 goals at that end, which was pretty spectacular.

A friend sent me a song in the evening.  A song I’ve been looking for for a while and really couldn’t find it.  Not even on YouTube, and here she was sending it to me.  If you can, listen to Evermore’s This Is Love. I love it.

Tuesday

I worked like a trojan.  Not sure what was different, but I got a lot done.  I think it might have been the different type of work, but either way, there was a strange inkling that wanted me to work through the Bafana game.  But that was foolish thinking and I eventually trundled off to the Mexican Shebeen.  They were fairly expensive, but the girls really made up for it.  Their little dresses and very attractive legs gave us a good football distraction.  Plus their half-time dance is definitely worth seeing. (Really!)

The night was perfectly capped off with a great big fat Royale burger and brilliant company.

Wednesday

Today was not a good day.  Today brought out my worst insecurities.  I have bad bad trust issues.  After my ex cheated, and then lied to me, I’ve learnt that trusting people has become difficult – Especially as truth was one of her biggest values.  So now, I have issues with it.  My mind plays tricks on me, even when it’s wrong.  This was one reason my last little relationship failed, and it is why this one did too.  I couldn’t anymore.  I couldn’t lie in bed not knowing.  Knowing the type of people she was with.  I had been broken before and I just couldn’t.  So today, I did the difficult thing and ended things with the girl.  Again.  We had not even been properly dating, which only made things worse, or at least much more complicated.  I’m not going into more details now, but there were feelings involved from both of us.  I just wasn’t in a good place and jumping with two feet now would have only meant one of us, or both, would get hurt.

Thursday

Today was a good day, perspectively.  Work has some very interesting things going on.  More interesting than I can actually mention here.  And today, I did something completely out of the blue that both upset and overjoyed people.  I have a good friend that has been trying her hardest to get a ticket to a World Cup game, but without success.  So, after seeing four games already, I decided to sell her my ticket.  I was online, and even that was enough to know she was going to explode with excitement.  It made her very happy, and I’m glad I could help her.

But no good deed goes unpunished.  I managed to upset no less than three people in selling this ticket.  The first being someone who I was going with.  To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why it upset him so much, but it did.  He threw his toys, but I didn’t see a point, and he eventually put on his big girl panties and went.  The second was a friend I said I would do the whole thing with because she was going with randoms.  I’m not too concerned about this as she actually needs to learn about being around more people.  The last, and probably the one I’m most intrigued about was someone who I said I would take a photo of.  But not just any photo – A really different and brilliant photo that I could only take at this game.  She is a very very new friend, but I feel like I let her down.  I’m not sure she’ll get over it.

Looking at the pros and cons of this decision, however, I am happy with what I did and I know Robyn really appreciates it.

It’s been an interesting few days, but I’m started to feel more myself now.  I’ve made some mental changes, and certainly will be doing more for myself in one or two ways.  Times like this make you realise who your friends are, and sometimes, you need it.

And so, basically, the crux of the matter?  I’m back…

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