A Little Bit Of Something

A Little Bit About Couples

blindcripple — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 21:00:02 +0000

“Will you marry me?”

Okay, so maybe that’s a little extreme. But only maybe. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the last few months have proven to be very successful for budding wedding ceremonies – From engagements to just the plain old two people getting together on a serious level. I don’t know if it’s the water at the moment, but the couple bug seems to be going around. Be aware!

Now, I don’t want to be rude, insensitive, or otherwise, and I certainly don’t intend to offend anyone but, I am just going to remind you that this is my blog. Now, in saying that, there is little worse than feeling slightly alone, and living with 2 people that are in new relationships.

You know, the honeymoon stage. Granted, one couple is more affectionate than the other, albeit, a lot more, it still makes a difference being there all the time. I don’t think that they make it worse, maybe just aware.

It was Valentine’s day on Sunday but, it doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that I don’t think I have met one person over the last 19 months or so, that I can actually be with. That “can” has many connotations with it – They may include age, current status, location, etc.

But the fact of the matter is that I want sparks. And bubbles. And all those other things that everyone craves so badly.

I know you can not force these, but it doesn’t mean I can’t want them. Yes, I’ve been on the odd date, even though not for a while, and yes, I know I’m a good person, and all those things… it’s still a desire i have.

I will keep trying to go out and meet new people. This is one of my tasks for the year. Once I can do that, maybe I’ll be able to meet some people I like. Work, as well, has been sapping a lot of my energy but, I don’t mind that too much. It’s something that I think is worth it. For me.

Anyway, that was just something I needed to get off my chest. I am not unhappy, just unsettled. Fidgety. We’ll just see how this year will unfold.

A Little Something About Competitions

blindcripple — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:58:01 +0000

In the final stages of The Nerdies 2010, 10 bloggers around South Africa have been selected to be part of a sudden show down to readers across the country to win some pretty cool prizes in the form of an online treasure hunt. Up for grabs to the first four lucky treasure hunters:

1 years subscription to Connect Magazine, courtesy of Hypertext Media
A Springleap T-shirt of awesomeness
a Poken from Poken Africa
And the fourth hunter will get a R150 kalahari voucher!

So how do you win these things? Each blogger will do a post on their site, with clues as to where they’ve hidden The Nerdies Idol inside their blog. 9 of these blogs will have fail Idols. If you come across a fail idol, skip to the next blog until you find the winning idol.

The bloggers are as follows:

Once you’ve been to all the blogs and found the winning idol, there will be a unique code on that page. The first four treasure hunters to either email sheenagates@gmail.com the code, or DM it to @SheBeeGee if you’re a follower, will win.

Simple huh? Happy hunting!

My clue: “Just because there’s a little bit of something there, it doesn’t mean this life lesson will be easy to get through”

UPDATE: COMPO is closed. Please check nerdmag for further details.

A Little Bit About Life Planning

blindcripple — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:51:57 +0000

When we were 10 years old, we used to play all those games. You know the ones. One, for example, was where you’d draw four blocks. In one block would be the names of 4 girls – Prospective wives. The other blocks would be filled with cars, cities and house-types. Other games included preferred ages you’d be married at, number of children and career choices. Of course, we were all married to the girl of our dreams, two children in arms, in a house on the beach in California, with 17 different sports cars in the driveway, the company that runs itself, all by the time we were 23.

When I was 17, I had a plan. I knew what I was going to study. Where, how and why. I was going to finish my A Levels at school, head off to UCT to study electrical engineering and take life on. But life is constantly throwing curve balls. Not all the balls are big enough to be able to see and avoid. I didn’t get the physics mark I needed to be admitted into the engineering faculty, yet the science faculty would take me to, and get this, study physics. More strange small curve balls were thrown and I had to leave UCT at the end of 2005. It hit me as a bit of a shock, and I spent most of 2006 doing nothing but getting back onto my feet.

2007 started with a new gusto. I started afresh at UNISA, and I landed a small job in a startup company that a friend had founded. This year, I moved from Project Manager to Operations Manager in the same company, where I now manage a small team. It’s strange how things happen. I love it, and I think I’m fairly good at what I do. I started my own blog nearly a year ago. I write/wrote (I will write more) for nerdmag. I recently started blogging and tweeting for Standard Bank Cricket. And I’ve just realised I can add all of these items to my CV. This is as far from engineering and the science faculty as you can go, and it really surprises me. A lot.

Thinking about it all today, I’ve become conscience to the fact that I no longer have a plan. People have their aspirations to work as hard as they can in order to be able to move to a new place. Or that they’re know where they’re going, or where they want to be going, in their company. I don’t know any of that. I see me not having my degree has a huge hinderance, and it will be. I can’t apply for a job without one, and will be very lucky to get this type of opportunity again. Talking to a friend about her new job, and she tells me how she thinks it’s prefect for me. It is. It makes me think about how I might not get that second chance…

Last night i was doing maths equations with another good friend, and I missed it. I missed the Applied Maths I was doing through Unisa before work took over. I miss using my brain in that way. I often feel that it’s not being used enough. I regret one thing in this whole situation, and that is not having my BSc by now, but I do not regret where I am. It just means I don’t have that one real speciality, and that bothers me a little bit too. I think I might have a bit more experience than some some of my friends, even if I’m earning less, but I am happy. I love that I’ve had this chance now.

I think this is all part of why I’ve been so restless in my mind of late. I’ve started my new position, and there is just so much happening, that there has been very little time to take it all in and reflect and settle. I know some of you are living that dreamed up lifestyle, and good for you. If it makes you happy, then what more should you need. But as we grow and mature, our dreams are still there, they just change to be what we want and need them to be. So, where do I see myself in 10 years? I have no frickin’ idea. I don’t know if it’s bad that I don’t have a plan, but I will keep doing what I enjoy doing and see where it takes me…

A Little Something About Hiking Hungover

blindcripple — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:08:07 +0000

After a hike up Lions Head on last Friday, a friend in the group decided that a Table Mountain outing would be in order. There were just too many locals in the group that had never done it. It was agreed that Skeleton Gorge would be the best idea. It’s not too difficult and would only really take the morning to do. And we had Wednesday as a public holiday. Perfect. But there are several tips that you’ll need to know if you’re thinking about doing something similar. Please read the following list very carefully. These tips will be invaluable to your survival.

Weather – You want good weather. Plan ahead. View as many weather sites as you can. See if Simon Gear is available. Wind and temperature are all crucial when climbing a mountain.
The night before – If you plan on beginning at 8am, you need to get a good nights sleep .
Do not trust the weather man. He will always lie to you – If you follow step 1, you must be prepared for this being completely wrong. Cape Town’s weather mood can be compared to a woman in menopause. This will cause you to think that you will not be hiking the next day. And the next day being a public holiday can only mean you’ll now go out with the intention of not climbing a mountain.
The night before ii – If you’re going to go out, do not drink.
Prepare for the morning – Discuss, in your drunken state, with your drunken friends, at 4am, that the weather is going to be shit. Agree that climbing is not a good idea.
Calm down – You need to remain calm when someone that wasn’t out with you wants to know if you’re still on for the mountain. Do not shout and swear. Just go back to sleep.
Calm down ii – Remain calm when your housemates knock on your door, urging you to get ready. Try not use words sailors are afraid of. They are your friends. They are your friends. They are your friends.
Prepare – You must now prepare for the day ahead in 10 minutes. Still drunk. This is risky, but must be done. You need to ensure you have everything. Pack your bag with things you may need. Items such as sunscreen are important. Others like a golf glove are not.
Brush you teeth – Please.
Sunscreen suit-up – The earlier the better. Make sure to cover all bare areas. This includes ears and hands.
Groups are safe – Leave in a group to ensure your safely on the way there. However, be sure you have selected a good group of friends to go up with. You don’t want overly asthmatic people, or people that suffer going up stairs. I’m serious. You’re going to be climbing a mountain.
Stock – Make sure you have supplies for the trek. Stopping at the nearest petrol station is a good idea. You can probably buy everything you need here.
- Water – Do not be shy without the amount of water you take. You will thank me later.
- Food – Pies are a good option. Make sure your bag will house them properly. (Try eat a little bit now)
- Energy – Take a couple of chocolates and maybe an energy drink for sugars.
Punctuality – Leave as soon as you’re ready. You’re now nearly an hour late.
Start Happy – And with excitement. This is good to keep you motivated on your journey. Keep your group entertained with jokes and humour.
Be Selective – Do not take person who is asthmatic. And left her asthma pump at home.
Avoid Trees – Now, this is very important. There are a lot hidden trees across your path that jump out when you get close to them. They are one of the many walls that are put up to demotivate you. You must stay strong. Keep your eyes open, and your head low. Try not to show pain when you’re too slow to react. When your friends laugh, laugh with them. Then your tears will appear to be of joy and not excruciating pain.
Keep Going – Now, this is the time when you will feel your worst. Your thighs will begin to burn, and your stomach will start to talk as if possessed. Your throbbing head will now pulse in your ears. Your body will tell you that eating a pie is a good idea. You need to fight these feelings. Your brain needs to switch on and take over.
Be clever – this is where you reaslie the important of step 15. You decide to leave her with the group of people that she found (with a pump), not thinking of the drama that will soon ensure.
Keep Hydrated – Last night’s “couple of drinks” now means any liquid you have in your body is only bile. Keep drinking water, or you will face a horrible death.
Keep Going ii – This is the point you realise how much of a mistake the pie was. You now taste the bile. If you were alone, you will feel very comfortable in lying down, fetal-style, and weeping, while you pray for death. These are the symptoms to avoid. You’ll consider excuses of leaving the group in order to heave. But you must fight it for your pride and dignity. (Even though everyone may already be drunk off your fumes)
Listen – A runner, yes a runner, will pass you and inform you of this magical place. He’ll tell you of a beach on the mountain. You’ll laugh with him, but soon realise he isn’t joking. You will be sceptical, but need to remember step 14.
Relax – When you reach the water, you’ll think it’s a dream. It’s not. Touch it. Dreamy water is not that cold. Now chill. The rest of the way is downhill, and that’s easy.
Eat – When you get home, you’ll need to replenish your low energy levels. Eating the pies you haven’t eaten yet is a good idea. But this is also the time you realise that you should have packed better. “Pancake pies” still taste the same, by the way.

So, I hope this helps with future mountain endeavours. Feel free to leave your own tips below.

A Little Bit About Going Out

blindcripple — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 20:55:37 +0000

People are funny. Especially young, single people. Generally, people in their earlyish 20s don’t really know what they wan’t out of life, let alone out of a particular person. I’m not saying I do, I’m just at a much better place where understanding of myself and what I want is a little easier.

Going out recently, I did some observing. Now, I know every club is different, but this is still very applicable. It’s funny when you’re the only sober person amongst the booze filled drones. You see things you wouldn’t normally see. You notice how desperate some people are for tail. It’s different when you’re in the chase. When you’re all completely smashed. You really only have one agenda.

The guys think they can get away with anything. I look at the dance floor and there are a lot of guys touching girls. But the girls like it. I see the drunkest guy approach a girl. He splashes her with his drink. He says she’s too hot. He then walks away. It’s corny, and sleazy. She loves it. Her and her friend go all giddy. It’s ridiculous.

The guys are like hawks. They stand around the circular dance floor. Some hunt in packs, others just lurk. They stare, presumably looking for a target. It’s all quite primitive. I’m waiting for them to pull out a club, bang a few on the head, and drag them towards the door by their hair.

Yes, yes, I know it’s difficult being single. I know people deal with it differently. So this is just another way. Maybe I’m just bitter I’m not able to go out and “do the whole random thing”. Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the show from here.

I just don’t find it easy. The awkward ‘how do I approach them? Did she just make eyes at me? What do I do now?’. It’s just the way it is. Confidence is everything. Mine just comes out at different times, in different situations. If I wanted, I could have any girl here. But do I? Could I really? What is the point of taking some drunk random home. She doesn’t know me. She’s doing it because she’s drunk. Yes, it might be fun, but could it really have a future? Never-the-less, there is a time and place for everything.

I came out, not really thinking, not worrying, not trying. I prefer it that way. It means I’m rarely disappointed. In reality it’s never that simple. It all comes back to each individual and really how drunk you are.

I eventually make my way back to my group of four friends. They’re all women tonight. Lovely ladies. Most are single. A drunk chap comes to dance. It’s been making the rounds. I saw him earlier scouting. He grinds heavily against one of my friends and she quickly moves away. So he tries his luck on the next. How do guys get so cocky and arrogant that they think they can do that? He goes around the group, and ends up where he began. He likes the blonde one. So he tries again. She moves away towards me, but I can’t be a boyfriend for all of them. So, I do something I’ve never done before, nor will do again soon. I play the gay guy. The girls then try pimp me off to him. I’m comfortable enough with me to know it’s fun. He’s not interested. I try dance with him but he moves away. I wonder what he doesn’t like about it. Some creepy guy trying to dance with him. He doesn’t get the hint and tries with my blonde friend again. Maybe I don’t make a very good gay man. (Thank goodness). Eventually I tell him I’m not gay, and he should please piss off now. He leaves, dancing, to try his luck somewhere else, and so the cycle continues.

Days later, I now have 2 girls downstairs, crying. They’re staying with us (a housemate). She’s upset about the asshole guys around. I actually find one of the girls very attractive. It’s unfortunate she kissed a friend. I want to go there and try explain that and everything else I’ve just written about, but I hear my name. I have no clue what I did. I ignore it but keep a keen ear open. She’s sad she’s single. She has been single a while. She wants the companionship. Blah blah blah. We’ve all been there. But this is just a symptom of it all. It’ll continue and everyone will keep dating not really knowing what they’re looking for until they think they’ve found it.

I’m not criticising. Really. We all have our own ways of being single. I just think some people’s ways are interesting. I just can’t get drunk and kiss the nearest person next to me. I’m sometimes envious of the people that can. But I have things they can’t do, and I’m excited I might get to show you next…

Photo credit goes to friend Matan Tsabari.

A Little Something About 2009

blindcripple — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:53:38 +0000

It’s been a good year for me. It really has. What started out in the worst possible way has really moved onto a great year. This year was always going to be about me, and it has been. It was about growing and maturing and all that other stuff, and I think I have. I know what I want out of most situations and can be comfortable with me in almost all situations. The year has been good.

• I moved into a new home, where I am very happy
• I semi-learnt to be single
• I’ve learnt how to be with myself, and know myself more
• I’ve learnt not to care when I shouldn’t be stressing
• I’ve learnt to love Cape Town more. Not because I’ve done more, but I just appreciate it more
• I went to gym more time this year than last year. (as long as it’s more)
• I worked very hard this year and it showed with a new positional promotion which I am very chuffed about
• Of course, there are a few things I shouldn’t list here. But they were good too
• I’ve seen two of my best childhood friends get married
• I’ve been best man to my best friend at his wedding
• I’ve learnt that some things are unforgivable
• I started blogging
• I restarted tweeting
• I’ve started my photography hobby more seriously, and loved it.

Realistically, these are my goals for 2010

• to manage my time more – Although, this really isn’t bad at the moment
• to take more photographs
• to blog more
• to save more money
• to buy a car – early in the year
• to be more out there with women – This is the next step
• To bungee jump Bloukrans
• to stop wasting money
• to go to shul more
• to lose 7kgs (and not put it back)
• to stop giving unecessary “charity”

I personally think those are pretty gettable. So, here goes another year…

A Little Bit About Sexy Women

blindcripple — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 17:36:09 +0000

I while ago, I wrote a post about beautiful women. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do, but the basics are that it’s about the other things that are attractive about women. But, the truth of the matter is that it’s not always about that. Sometimes, we are as shallow and reliant on beauty as much as we try not to be.

Let’s face it, we all are. We see a gorgeous girl, and she forces us to spin our heads much faster than our necks can handle. We all have a perfect person in our minds. They may not exist in reality, but as I’ve said at times before, we pick up parts of those traits in people along the way.

In saying all that, I must admit that this comes pretty damn close to what perfect might be for me. Step up to the plate, Esquire Magazine. They have something running where they choose the Sexiest Woman Alive. Now, past results have given us Scarlett Johansson, homegrown Charlize Theron, and the sexy Jessica Biel. This year, along with an amazing video, they have chosen Kate Beckinsale as the winner. While I’m not saying she is perfect, she is very very close to it for me.

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A Little Something About The Rebound-Girl

blindcripple — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:30:57 +0000

I have been writing this post for around eight months already. I have started it just as many times. I’m not sure why it’s taken so long, or why it’s been so hard to get out, but it just has. Now, I’m sorry if a lot of this post it repetitive, and you may have heard it before, but I’ve tried to keep it as fresh as possible.

Now, I have tried on numerous occasions to write this without telling a story, but that has proven to be very difficult. Anyway, it’s a little long, but please bear with me, as I finally get it out.

A lot of people will tell you that one of the best ways to get over an ex is to jump into bed with who ever will have you. This has it’s obvious benefits, but it has just as many negatives.

As most of you might know, my break up came to me as a bit of a surprise. Yes, there were the problems that we were both very aware of, and the fact that she was moving to a new city played a huge role in it, but that exact reason was what I thought would keep us together until the very last possible moment. It wasn’t to be, and I found myself hanging on. (This is something I feel is quite obvious, though. The person that is the one left clutching at straws will always have some hope… Blah blah blah). Anyway, about a month later, I was chatting to this girl online. We’ll call her ‘RBG’. We were friends of friends and have never met but had occasionally chatted via the mass emails that were sent over Gmail. I actually thought she was a bit freaky. In the state I was in, there was little that was better than staying at home every night and spending large amount of time online doing nothing in particular.

It started very simply, one night:

22:16 RBG: Why on earth are you online at this time of night?

That night, we spoke for an hour. 240 lines long. A week later, the conversations spanned over 600 lines. RBG and I started chatting a lot more. We got on really well with each other. Sent a couple of photos to each other. Told each other secrets. She had recently broken up with her long term boyfriend. She was the perfect distraction. I had started feeling myself again. A day after 600 lines, I went over to her place with a bottle of wine. We had officially met. We watched a movie, ate chocolate and drank rather large glasses of wine. All was well. And it ended very well. I stayed over there that night and it pretty much took off from there. I was the perfect person. I made her dinner. I did the dishes when she cooked. I made her smile and laugh. And, I made her sweat, I left her wanting more. I was so excited by her. I told my friends about her. She even took me to a ballet, and I went with no second thought. I tried to make her happy. She, after all, was also going through one or two bad things too. We were both aware of the dangers after just getting out of a relationship. And I certainly was not ready for anything crazy deep. But what we had was awesome. And now, SHE left me wanting more. This was surprising. This was good. This, all the while, trying to forget the ex.

And it was working too. Until the ex called. She needed something one night, and she didn’t know who else to call. Generally, I am the guy that friends would call when they’re in a spot, and I would help out without thinking about it. I had no problem with it. Now, that, along with the fact that my ex now was wanting to see me, had me out there helping without any hesitance in 5 seconds flat.

This is where The Ex and I sort of started talking again. It had been about 7 or 8 weeks since we had broken up and I was quite happy not talking to her. But I missed her. And, you still have that little bit of something that tells you she wants you back. She broke up with me, of course I thought she had some inkling to get back together. But that really was never my intention. It was over and I had completely accepted that. Then why the hell was I fixing things? Why did we start talking again? Why did we try so damn hard?! It always seems worth, but now, isn’t hindsight the most wonderful thing.

RBG and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months and it was amazing. Everything I did with her was great. Every second was worth it. I never wanted to be anywhere else or with anyone else. It was a tough time, though. We were both writing exams and had other things happening. But this was when my head told me that I wasn’t ready to a relationship. “STOP! What the fuck are you doing?! You are bruised and broken and here you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position! Idiot!”

“But it made me feel better!” I tried to reason. But no, my brain took over and started to affect the relationship RBG and I had. I stopped trying, and stopped being so affectionate. But I still loved being around her and with her. And then I lied to The Ex. I had told her that I hadn’t been with anyone, thinking that this would tell her how weak I was and how much she should know I needed her. Again, blah blah blah! Whatthefuck was I thinking?! In reality, I think I needed to know if she had been with anyone. But no one should ever have that knowledge. It will only cause more damage than good. I think this is a good time to point out that RBG knew I was seeing the ex, and this made things very difficult. She was uncomfortable with it, and I could see it in her face, yet she never really said anything.

I kept seeing RBG for a another couple of weeks or so after that day at The Ex’s. A bit later, I was seeing The Ex again, and somehow, my lie had reared it’s ugly head. There were a lot of tears. I then had to explain a lot. Some things I wouldn’t have ordinarily told her. Things about RBG – Like how long and if I had feelings for her. She said it was for me lying to her, that all her trust had disappeared and she didn’t think we could ever be friends. These were not the words I ever wanted to hear, especially after we were so cautious to be friends again. After much arguing and trying to calm her, we eventually found a sort of middle ground. I can’t really explain it now, because I’m not entirely sure I understood it all – I mean, I was still confused as to why we had broken up in the first place.

The next day, RBG was leaving. She had finished varsity and was moving back home to a land far far away. Things with her and I had to end. She was moving away, only to be seen when she came back to pack up her house. We spoke and both knew we needed to end things. So we did. Right? She was clearly very attached, and I knew it too. But so was I. We eventually said goodbye with a kiss. Reality is too complex to let it end there. We continued to sms each other messages and chatted regularly. The time came and she was coming back to Cape Town. I tried not to kiss her, but resistance was futile. It only went as far as that kiss but the next day, I slapped her with the news that I would be driving across the country with The Ex to move her back to her home. Things were not well and we stopped talking completely. But this was what I wanted and needed right? To get that emotional worry and burden out my life while I still so raw from the last one. (Just for the record, nothing happened between The Ex and me on the drive. Nothing at all. Can someone be the first to believe it?)

I’m not sure what happened but she eventually stopped being angry at me and we chatted once or twice. She told me she would be back here for new years. I was apprehensive but the day came and I was actually going to go. It was at a house in a town about an hour outside here. I had met the host once but there were a few close friends going and they convinced me to go. I mean, what else could I do?! A few of the group, some of which I had never met, went through a few days before. This few included RBG. So I drove there in my car. Things were weird. Very uncomfortable, but I was determined to be okay with it and we would see how things would go. We all took a walk down to the beach. It was there that I noticed RBG and The Host. There was definitely something there. I’m not blind (really). I saw it. And it upset me. I was furious. Who did this guy think he was?! And seriously, what was her aim in this whole thing?

I tried to put it aside, I even invited her to go to the shops with me to talk it out, but she declined. Things were still very weird with us. So I left the house and tried to make myself feel better. It didn’t work. I was a little shocked that I even felt this way in the first place. I wasn’t the one who was supposed to have these feelings. I was clearly in this more than I had ever realised.

We eventually got the balls to sit down and talk about it. Alcohol is good for some things. She told me that she missed me and I told her the same. She kissed me, and I kissed her back. She then stops and tells me that she can’t and needs to go back to the party. Things are a little better. She tells me that we need to try and enjoy ourselves. Pah! Simple, hey. We leave her room and go our separate ways. She goes back to The Host, and at least she tries to be discrete about it. He looks at me. I tell him with my eyes that she really wants to be with me, and you’re just a lame second. Oh yes, you’re an asshole too.

We do our own thing, but I don’t feel any better. I tell a friend about it, and he hates the guy with me. Calls her a bitch too. Haha. It’s the little things, I guess. RBG and I try and play is cool, but that doesn’t seem to be working, and we found ourselves in her room again. We kiss again. All over each other, but someone breaks the kiss. She looks upset, and starts to cry. I don’t quite know what to do, but we talk it out for a little bit, before she looks deeply into my eyes and tells me that she’s fallen in love with me. I’m pretty much speechless at this stage, and I don’t really know what do do or say. I remember kissing her again. We talk for a little bit more about how much of an idiot I have been and how things may have been different. She again leaves, saying that she can’t do this, even thought she so desperately wants to as she has spent he last few weeks trying to repair herself. She tells me that I crushed her. She leaves to go back to The Host, and I avoid her. I get really angry. Frustrated. Lost. Mad. You name it. And this cocky, womanising fuck with his condescending smirk, just being there.

So the friend and I got high. It was quite possibly the best thing I could do. I tried to stay away and pretend. But I knew I couldn’t. And so did she. We didn’t speak again that night. When sleep finally called me, I found myself a couch and closed my eyes, hoping for it to come soon. Instead, all I could hear were sounds. Not sounds you ever want to hear. Sounds of her with him. Sounds that make you want to be sick. Even a year later, they still make me sick. It’s something I will never forget.

The next day went quickly. I left the instant I could, and that was that. We didn’t speak for a long time. But when we finally did, she wanted to know why I was so upset. So I told her. She had no idea what had happened. Didn’t help the fact that it hurt so much. Didn’t change anything. She left a few weeks later to the UK, and I wanted nothing to do with her. But I forgive people too easily. Never forgetting. I will never forget. This year has been hard, but it’s another thing that has helped me grow. I forgave her and a few months later we were talking again. Things were okay. I was over it. Mostly. Yet, ironically, I missed her a lot. Can’t explain why, but it just is. I don’t know if I ever loved her, but she’s a really lovely person that just helped in the whole process. I know I hurt her. But she hurt me too. In saying that, I think she and I will be really good friends one day, if not already.

So, there I sat, months later, missing RBG. A lot. I tried to tell her too. In fact, I did tell her. I used those exact words, but whether it was the wall she had put up to protect herself, or she just didn’t care anymore, but I didn’t get the response I was looking for. Using another cliché, you never know what you have until it’s gone. And the cherry on top, the grass is always greener on the other side. Always.

A Little Bit About My Last Letter

blindcripple — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:22:05 +0000

Today is of somewhat significance, and I wanted to write about it, not because I felt I should, but because it’s an end of a chapter. Or maybe even the whole scene. I got the idea from a blog I’ve come across lately, and I think her’s is awesome.
This is going to be tough to write because as much as I want to be completely honest and open, I know I won’t be able to. Please just remember, I’m baring all here, so don’t be too brutal.

Dear Friend/Lover/Companion

It’s been about two weeks since we last spoke. We ended a roller-coaster breakup with a real goodbye. A goodbye where you no longer want to even think about me. I still think about you, though, even though it’s been this long. I hope you do too. But it’s not the same way anymore. How could it be. I miss you. I miss the person you are, or at least were. I’m sure you’ve changed, as I have. But deep down, I’m still the core being I’ve always been, I just know it better now. I know what I want, and I know if I’ll be able to get it out of every situation. But it’s you I miss. You were my best friend, my confidante, my lover. You knew my every secret and I knew yours, and we still loved for them.

I’m not sure if this is the way it was supposed to be. It might have been less painful had we ended things this way from the start. Although, we all need certain things to happen in order to learn and grow… But I’m not sure these were worth it.
Like you said, I don’t regret anything. Being with you was worth it. Every day. We made each other happy, and I will always love you for it. I will always love you. I don’t care what else has happened, or what people say, that could never change.

Your friends still hold that grudge against me that they always have. Only you could really understand this and see the humour in it. I thought with you in another city I would be able to at least not have to worry about anything, and have you not in my face. But even this weekend, when one of your friends introduced me as “This is Neal. You know, J’s Neal”, with her stupid condescending tone, it still made me angry and upset. They judge me. But how dare they. They were never my friends, and I’m glad they are yours.

Today is your birthday. It’s the first birthday in 5 years that we are not speaking. That’s a long time. But at least I didn’t have to stress over your present for weeks before choosing several. It’s been very difficult to not wish you, but those were your rules, and I’m playing by them. It’s time we actually started doing that. But that rule-breaking is exactly how we got together. I really do hope you’ve had a good day.

My mother still talks about you, so all those fears you had were rubbish, as I always told you. I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it many times again after this, but thank you. Sincerely and honestly. For the gifts and friendship and love and memories and everything. You made me smile. You got me. I know it wasn’t always pretty, but when it was, it was. You will never be forgotten.

I really hope you get to read this letter, because this is my last letter to you. I will not send it to you, because that would be unfair, but maybe, somehow, you know it’s here. I’m not sure you fully understand how the blog works, or how it’s helped me, but you need to stop being angry about it and try appreciate the good it’s brought. After not knowing this for a while, I do want the best for you, as you would want the same. Anger made me not care, but that has subsided. It’s all very clear now.

So yes, this is goodbye. But it is unfortunate. You were right, nothing has changed. But so was I – Everything has changed…

Love you always,
Neal

PS – I was going to add “In a beautiful pea-green boat”, but then I thought that might not be appropriate…

A Little Something About My Personal Space

blindcripple — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:36:34 +0000

My ex has been in town since the first of the month, and I have not had any intention of seeing her. I hardly spoke to her in the weeks leading up to it, and it didn’t change while she was here. But it made me uncomfortable to know that she was here now. I avoided certain areas, but not to change my living of life. She is set to leave tomorrow, and I told her if she wanted to meet up or chat. So today I got a call.

It’s a little bit weird for me that it still has a “catch-your-breath” effect on me. The relationship ended ages ago. Sure, there were things in the middle to act as speed bumps, but still. Yet it does, and when I saw her name on my phone, I did stop breathing. I answered, and it began…

She was angry. Very angry. She had found my blog (after talking to a mutual friend about blogs). Her curiosity must have gotten the better of her, and she just had to look. Of course, one of the featured posts is about cheating. Her cheating. And so she read. She read of all the things she had done, and the feelings it caused me. She read the comments written by followers of how she “is a leech” and how “she’s poisoning your life”. I’m not saying that these statements were wrong, but they were never meant for her eyes. They were for me.

There was always the chance that she would come across the site, and I’ve never tried to hide anything. I’ve never lied. I was open and honest in my forum. I never directly mentioned her, nor have I slandered or said anything mean. If you don’t really know me, then you have NO idea who I’m talking about, and if you’re close enough to know, then you already know. People who don’t blog could never understand what it’s like to have a whole separate world to talk to and to have them listen too, no matter who they are. I hope I don’t know half the readers. That’s what it’s about for me. That’s what I want. Those same people that “don’t get Twitter” could not understand it. But that’s okay too. You don’t need to. This is my world and my life.

In retrospect, she didn’t explain why she was so upset, or in fact, explain anything, so I can’t really explain it myself, but I suppose she has some value to her argument, and that is fine. But this was not the way I wanted things. I kept having to remind myself about what she had done in order to be angry again and not want to see her. I still miss her. Not everything that came with it, but her. I miss the person.

In her angered frame of mind she told me to delete every contact I have of her. I won’t. That would be silly. But she no longer wants to talk to me. And I have to respect that. She called again a bit later, calmer and we had a small chat. She thanked me for everything that we had. It really was amazing. I tried to tell her the same. But she still wants nothing to do with me again. Ever. Perhaps this is the way it was supposed to be? I don’t know. I do know that I’m feeling sad just knowing it’s no longer a friendship, and that person isn’t quite there. I can’t really explain it further than that. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

I don’t know if she will ever read this again, I don’t think it matters, but I don’t think it’ll change how or what I write. She hinted that I delete the post. I could never. I have deleted one post, for the fear of causing a rift with my best childhood friend. This is my source of expression and my chance to be as open as I want to be without the risk of any judgement. This is my blog. I’ve put a lot of work into it, and I have every right to put here whatever I feel. It just so happens that my blog is personal, but it’s just that. It’s personal. About me. My life. I am truly sorry it upset her so much, and sorry that it has now caused what it has, but I’m not sorry I wrote it. It was for me. And for now, that’s what it’s all about.