A white horse, from my knowledge, is that object you crave, but can never have.  It’s always there, but just out of your reach.  After time, the horse will eventually run, escaping your memory.  But don’t breathe too easily, because it will soon be replaced by a new, shiny white horse.  A white horse can be anything you want/need/crave/desire.  In this case, we’ll talk about the most desired: Women.

Since I can remember, there has always been a white horse in my life.  There are, of course, a few reasons that cause this to remain a white horse:

1. She’s too hot

This is a weird one for me.  I am of the opinion that once I know the girl a little, that I am talking to her, then I’d be able to take it any direction I wanted.  That was a while ago, and the Hot Girl was a big spanner in that thinking and confidence.  I don’t know why, but I’m increasingly more intimidated with the Hot Girl.  I know they’re just women too, but I just can’t seem to shake it.  So, more so now, there seems to be one around.

2. She’s a friend

Tough one.  I personally believe that platonic relationships are never truly possible.  But, unless I’m 329% sure that the “times” are aligned, there’s no way I would ruin a good friendship.

3. She has a boyfriend

Or fiance.  Or husband.  This is a fun topic, isn’t it.  You want a girl that has a guy.  I, personally, would never try and break them up, because you should never be that person.  But this person seems to always be someone you get along amazingly with.  You never really have a shot at it, and if you try, you may be that guy forever.

4. The one I fucked up with

The one from the past who you seriously screwed up with, and of course, you only realise this when it’s far too late.  You might be friends with this person now, or you no longer speak, but they’re always there in back of your mind.  What-ifs are no good, though.

5. I just don’t have the balls

When I was in high school, there was this girl.  Hot as the sun, we got on like crazy, but I just never did anything about it.  This is the one occasion where I might feel regret about not doing anything because I really have no excuse.

Of course, these situations are amplified if they’re a combination of each other.  Imagine 1, 2 and 3 were all one person.  That’s three things to have to get around.  And would you risk it?! But what if you were one of these people being talked about – What would you do?

A lot of people will argue that this would never effect them, but those are the same people that could go out and pick up anyone they’d like.  And that’s not me, and I’m not the type of person to take that risk where I’d lose everything.  But I think there comes a time where you need to risk it all?

So, which one do you think is around now, which one do you have around, what have I left out, which one are you or more importantly, what would you do…

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I hope that you have never been cheated on.  I also hope that you have never cheated on anyone.  Let’s face it though, even good people cheat.  When I was 19, I cheated on my then long-term girlfriend.  It was a young-love long-distance relationship and I was drunk, young and after tail.  The issues that ensued were ridiculous, and ultimately were a big part of our relationship ending, be it 6 months later.  But the moral of the story, for me anyway, was that I needed to at that stage, to protect all future girlfriends.  I never cheated on my ex.  Granted, our first year together was a stupid let’s-see-who-can-hurt-the-other-more scenario, but it was never cheating.

I feel very sorry for those guys that always cheat on their girl, and I don’t really understand it.  If you are in a relationship where you’d rather be with someone else, then end it.  If you don’t have the balls to end it, then suck it up and be miserable, but don’t keep cheating on your partner because the opportunity presents itself and you’re too immature to be an adult about it.  It makes me angry when people of a sufficient age cheat.  And it’s made even worse by those same idiots that constantly do it, whether it’s with the same person, who’s also too weak to run, or if it’s with a different girl each time.  Learn from your mistakes.  People do change.  They grow.  They mature.  They become who they should be.

I don’t want to, so I won’t, but I’m not going to explain my reasons to what happened today.  To why I put myself in that position in the first place.  Each relationship is different and should be treated as such, and I treated mine, and my break up, the way i thought it should be.  I took my time, and never forced anything, and this has worked really well for me.  I have been happy.  I didn’t care how long it took.  So, I might expect you to judge me for still staying in contact, but we all have our reasons, and when mine becomes clear, maybe I’ll share them with you.  But yes, we still talk every now and then, and that’s okay with me.

We were also talking Monday night when she was upset about something, but assured me things were fine.  I know her well.  Things were not fine.  On Tuesday, she was online again and she eventually asked if she thought it was okay that we spoke about their relationship.  She still wanted that from me.  She promised me that she wouldn’t lean on me when things were bad, but things were obviously really bad.  I told her that I didn’t think it was okay, but that we should still talk. This was a huge mistake.  Thankfully she argued with me for a while about telling me.  I told her it would be okay, even though it would never have been.  She didn’t and that was that.

Then came today.  Wednesday.  She asked me if I had told anyone about us being together at the beginning of the year.  About our moment of weakness and vulnerability.  Don’t roll your eyes, it happens all the time.  It’s part of the whole cycle, and I also saw it as closure.  Or whatever.  Anyway, I hadn’t mentioned it and she asked that I didn’t.  Fine.  “Because he can’t find out.  Even though we weren’t ‘offical’, he would view it as cheating”.  Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Details aside, but at that instant, he found out about it. She said she had to go away for something and I didn’t hear from her in a while.  She had left me hanging in the middle of our conversation.  I had no clue what was happening.  I was a little confused and just needed answers now.  But eventually she called.  Very upset.  She and him had ended it.  I was in my happy place lately, and not even having to deal with this was going to change that.  So I spoke to her.  I reasoned and did my best to tell her she was okay.  She really wasn’t, though.  We spoke about us for a little bit.  There were a lot of silences.  And then, in a quiet whisper, she told me that she had cheated on me.

There are few things worse than cheating on a long term partner.  Lying is pretty high up there.  I never asked her, while we were going out, if she had ever cheated on me, because I trusted her.  When we broke up, all insecurities forced me to ask her, and she told me no.  That was the same answer she gave me every time asked, and I asked a few times.  ”No”.  It must have been burning inside.  For the last four or five months of our relationship, she lied to me.  It was while she was in England.  With someone I trusted as far as I could throw.  I’ve said it before, and will probably say it a few times again, but trust your instincts.  That little feeling inside.  It knows things.

She was not in a good place today, but I suppose I shouldn’t be caring.  But I do.  Not for anything that I’m holding onto, because that phase has gone, but for the person.  For her.  I think when things have calmed down a little bit, I might release some of the anger that must be building inside.  I have been calm and collected.  I have been distracted. But alone time is a broken soul’s enemy.  Leave your brain to think, and it will.  It’ll think about them together.   About her coming back and being with you, telling you she loves you.  And maybe even about how your breakup makes a little more sense to you.

She always valued lying as the worst thing you could ever do.  I wonder if she knows what she’s done.  I know she’s upset, but I wish she would just know.  I’m not angry yet, and only sometimes am I upset.  I’m sure once this light goes off, and my head touches the pillow, I’ll be a different person.  But right now, I’m still just okay.  I know, though, that it won’t last, and with that, I’m still okay.

Now, it’s going to get a little soppy, so if you’re sensitive to that type of behavior, you may want to look away.

Don’t cheat on your partner.  No matter how far into a relationship you are.  But people make mistakes, we’re only human.  Just don’t you dare fucking lie about it.  Be honest and open with the person you supposedly love, because it’s not just you in it, there is another fragile person too.

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And just for the record, um-friends are overrated.

I don’t want another Um-friend.

There have been some posts done by BlindCripple that I have really related to.  In being a silent lurker but a personal friend, we generally discuss them in private and not on his blog.  One of his more recent posts entitled ˜A little bit about being single had me reeling.  At last!  A boy who finally understood and put into words how I felt about being single!

You see, I sit on the other scale of the spectrum.  Firstly, I am a girl.  And secondly, up until very recently I have been single by choice.  The first part of the sentence still rings true. I am very much single, but not so much by choice anymore.

I’ve met a boy.  He’s awesome in every way I’ve always overlooked in men.  Nothing like I’d usually go for.  For starters, he’s nerdy.  He’s nerdy and nerd-like and has lots of pent up sexuality that other girls seem to have overlooked.  Luckily for me, though.  I find him irresistable and charming in a boyish way that isn’t intended or purposeful, he just is.

I met him through his older brother and within the first five seconds of seeing him, knew I could be with this man.  That’s the nice thing about being a girl €“ our intuition tells us immediately what our instincts are about someone.  I wish that men were the same, however they really are most certainly not.

A couple of €œdates€ later, I’m still in the same boat.  He hasn’t made a move.  We talk daily, we hang out a lot and we have shared the same bed.  I’ve been introduced to all his friends, drilled by his parents and teased by his siblings, yet he hasn’t made a move.  His friends seem to like and approve of me, there’s lots of chemistry between us and he knows I like him, but he hasn’t made a move.  Things between us are easy and comfortable and fun, still he hasn’t made a move.

I have no idea what to think.  I’ve dealt with the men who make their move too quickly, or the men who have the attitude that just because they paid for half of my dinner it automatically gives them free entry to my vagina, but never have I encountered a boy I actually like and give all the right signals to and he doesn’t kiss me.

So, in being me €“ I’ve spoken to all my guy friends.  They’ve come up with a poll that I’m meant to send him.  It is as follows:

Hi Sexy Non-lover! So, I’m at a bit of a loss as to why you haven’t kissed me.  I know I don’t have bad breath and I know I’ve definitely let you know that its okay to do so, but you haven’t.  It’s not a deal breaker or even a put off, I’m just dying of curiousity to know why. So, according to my guy mates, you should select one of the following, please, and send it back to me:

a) You’re not into me and just want to be mates (this would be a sucky answer, but I’d deal, promise)

b) You’re much taller than I am and to kiss me would be a bit of physical bending down effort and therefore you’re a shortist. (You know, like a racist, but for shorter people)

c) You’re gay (please god, do not let this be true!)

d) You’re into me but not sure how to go about things (in which case ffs! Just kiss me so I know I don’t bite!)

e) You’re shy (awwww!  Cayooooot!)

So, what do you think, BlindCripple’s readers?  I need some advice here – I’m completely confuckulated about this boy.  He makes no sense to me.

Annnnd, GO!

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So, who am i to be giving relationship advice?  I mean, I may have let the last real thing slip from right under my nose when it was maybe there to be taken and fixed. But let’s be honest, it is so easy to judge other peoples relationships, and far far easier to give advice.   Maybe it distracts us from our own chaotic life. In fact, it is likely to be just that.

But is getting advice from other people really the best idea?  Someone I’ve never actually met told me to go to a club and simply ask a girl to have sex with me.  In what world would that work?!  And in what stellar galaxy would I find the confidence to even think about saying it?  Everyone always thinks they know the situation better than you do, but no one except you really knows, as every situation is different. That really is true. The problem is, however, that if you’re looking for advice, and no one really knows, except you, how can you know if you’re looking for a how-to??? Thankfully, there are always the generic answers: “Time heals all wounds”, “If it was meant to be”, et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah!  But each situation really is different.  This is why I try refrain from giving advice.  So, I’ll tell people I don’t give advice.  I’ll even go as far as to reply to a blog talking about how silly it is to give advice when really you don’t know, but the fact of the matter is that I love it.  I know more than anyone else will ever know.  My advice is solid. And right. Always. And yes, it really does make me feel better about my own problems and shortcomings.  (No, that was not a pun.  There was no hidden meaning there.)

Pressure with one person in a relationship will always cause friction when people get stressed, it’s life, but the other person in the relationship needs to realise it’s a hard time and they, in this case, should be as supportive as possible. Someone once told me that fighting and arguing in a relationship is healthy. It keeps the passion charged – which is so important, else it will just fizzle out. So, as long as the fights are not about the same issues, over and over, and you feel your head is about to break from being smashed against the brick wall, it’s healthy. Crux of the matter: Have the argument, then get over it. Find a way to always remedy it and get around it.  One solution, to apologise to end the conflict, is a great idea – To let heads cool, and the resolution come about with a clear mind.

My point, i think, is that we all need someone to hear our words, and for someone to be broken enough to listen to our perfect words back to them.

Is that hypocritical? I swear, that wasn’t advice!

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