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Going forward to today, I’m much more confident and happy with myself.  I know what I want out of life, and even though I haven’t quite set goals, I have an idea of where I’m going.  Things are changing, and I hope they continue on the up.

I’ve refined my hobbies
I’m playing cricket much more seriously now.  I’m not any better, or playing a higher level, but I’m taking it more seriously.  I haven’t taken nearly as many wickets as I did last season, but I’m captaining our fourth team, and starting to enjoy it a bit more.  So, besides the injuries, it’s going well.
My photography is also keeping me pretty happy.  I’m really enjoying it and also learning to use Lightroom a lot more.  I’ve started developing a new photoblog site which is also pretty cool but I’ll keep the good pics going up on Flickr.
I’m also developing a few WordPress sites for people. Nothing complicated at all, but I enjoy it and it’s good fun and sometimes brings in a bit of money.

A new relationship
So, I have a girlfriend.  Like a real one.  With boobs and everything.  And things are good.  It’s been about 5 months now and even though I am still slightly hesitant with giving my entire everything out, I’m doing it.  Slowly but surely.  It’s her pretty face you can see in the image attached.

A new home
I’ve moved into a new flat in Vredehoek.  It’s a really cool little place with the best view in Cape Town.  I haven’t quite settled in as yet: One of the rooms (mine) doesn’t have a cupboard, so until that’s installed, I can’t really settle.  But the place is great and hopefully, I’ll be sorted soon.

A new job
This is a big step for me.  I’ve been at RedButton for four years now and have a special bond with them.  I know the company very well and enjoy working here.  But it’s time for a change.  I need it.  And a great opportunity has presented itself, almost by chance.  I had sent my CV to a few places and got a call back from this one in particular, setting up an interview.  There I met the CEO and was told the job I had applied for would bore me, but she had an idea.  And with that, stemmed a new position for me as Primedia Online’s (including Prezence and 365Digital’s) Brand Ambassador.  Basically, I’ll be doing a whole bunch of PR and marketing, which is fairly brand new to me.  It’s a little nerve wracking to be honest, but I’m really excited to be fully employed by the digital realm at last.

So, those are the latest and biggest changes in my life.  And while the saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same” is always applicable, I have changed.  Neal version 2 is pretty darn awesome…

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As my friends, you should know I’m going through one or two things. You should know my gran is very ill – Someone who I am very close to. You should know this is bad enough. Then, of course, I’m dealing with getting through each month, money-wise. And then, like most people, I have work going on. Something that is taking most of my energy.  There is a lot happening. Every little thing is effecting me.  I am not where I want to be.  My mind is sad.

I say these things because apparently I need to. I’m over being taken for granted. I’ve had enough of it. Sometimes it’s not about you. I’m not asking for it to be about me, I’d just like some consideration before things are done. I don’t need to explain it more. If I need to, then it’s really not worth it.

I feel I’m heading backwards, somewhere I really don’t want to be. So, if I snap at you now, I’m probably sorry, but it’s likely that you deserved it. I’d just appreciate a little leeway and space when I want it.

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I’ve been wearing glasses a long time, and after a while, you look to other methods of seeing. Bring on the contact lens. Not sure how old I was when I first got contacts. I must have been about 14 I guess. I also have a clear memory of this moment. Sitting in the chair chatting to the doc. I was always afraid that I’d never be able to put them in properly and would be doomed with glasses forever. But I stood in front of the mirror, and just popped it in first time! It was amazing. Until I had to take the bloody things out. For those of you that don’t know, in order to remove a contact lens from your eye ball, you have to grab the lens with two fingers and pull. Yes, your fingers are going to be touching your actual eye. I was petrified that I was going to grab too hard or something and that would be the end. There’d be eye-juice everywhere.

But as it turned out, you get used to it. And as a person at the foothills of puberty, this was awesome news. I remember wearing them a lot, as you do in order to see. One time, I did the unthinkable. I slept with them in! Can’t remember why, or more than that, but I woke up thinking my eyes were gonna be rolling around the floor. But not to be. I was okay. Besides the terrible dryness, but okay. But I would never do it again. But I did. A few times. I mean, you do as you get older – There will be certain situations that mean you can’t take them out.

When I was 17, nearly 18, my parents were away for the weekend. I had invited some people over for a movie and got comfortable on the couch with one of the people. My right eye was itchy and a bit irritable, but I didn’t think anything of it. I continued to watch the movie without any concerns, and let’s be honest, I wasn’t going to go put on my glasses now. If memory serves me, I think I fell asleep with the lenses in that night.

The next day, Sunday, my parents were back relatively early, and my eye was bright red. I had taken the contacts out and was wearing glasses, but my mother at her neurotic best wasn’t having any of it. Now, living in Botswana had it’s benefits, but easily accessible private healthcare on a Sunday was not one of them. So off we went to the GP centre. Our usual GP wasn’t there at the time, and so we settled for a lady I had never seen before. Dr Shams. No, I’m not kidding. She took a long look at the eye and said it was a simple scratch on the eye and that I should cover it for 24 hours. So, she patched it up, and sent me on my way.

Everything seems to be alright, except it seems much more uncomfortable. Reassurance was made that I hadn’t given it enough time. So off to bed I went with a mild pain killer. Now, I know one or two things about pain. I have had all sorts of things done to me, bones broken, needles placed, but I have never known pain like this. I once read that pain is just your body telling you there is something wrong. You should heed such a warning. Over the course of that night, let’s say 8 hours, I took 10 Myprodol. That’s enough drugs to make any codeine addict happy. It was the most unpleasant night. I would wake up with pain shooting through my head. I actually thought my head wouldn’t make it.

Morning came, and the birds continued tweeting, but here we go to the hospital. A lot of this is sketchy because of the circumstances, but I think i’ve got it all. I was seen to very quickly by the hospital ophthalmologist, Dr Mathlaga. She took one look at the eye and admitted me straight away. I was whisked away to a ward somewhere and was immediately given all sorts of eye drops. I remember changing into my gown, looking into the mirror and opening my eyes, except I couldn’t see out of the right one. It was just a blur. All my left eye could see was a large grey mass that had formed over my entire iris. This was one of the most mindblowing things I have ever seen.

Basically, what had happened was this. This GP had seen what looked like a scratch to her, but was, in fact, a small corneal ulcer. One thing to not do with an ulcer, is cover it up. She did, and so it spun out of control. I was to have eye drops every 30 minutes within the first 24 hours. You try sleeping with a nurse that is going to wake you up. And they’re scary there!

The next day I was back in Doc’s chair having a reassessment. In order to properly analyse the infection, a sample would have to be taken. Now, in case you haven’t been following, I have a huge bacterial infection on my eye. And she wanted a sample. From the infected area. On my eye. If you’ve ever had an eye test, you’ll have an idea of the probing that goes on, but what I think makes all the difference is the fact that you can see it all happening. This was no different. The eye was given a orange numbing dye that basically stopped it from moving. My eyelid was lifted, and I saw the scalpel come to my eye, cut parts of the mass off, and then leave. Even though most of it was still a blur, I could see enough. I couldn’t feel a thing.  And, it was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. The procedure, known as a corneal scrape, takes a sample and is then analysed.

I spent three days in the hospital, constantly getting drops put in. But, I kept my eye. The doc said that she had never seen anything even nearly as bad as this, and I was lucky to still have my eye, but it would take some time before I could tell how bad the long lasting damage actually was. I would not be allowed to wear contacts again. I left the hospital in sunglasses, and even then, my eye was so sensitive, I kept them closed the entire trip home. If you see me now, you’ll see me always close my right eye more in bright sunlight.  I thank that ophthalmologist nearly every day.

A few months later, and a million visits back to the doc, there had been some progress. Dr Mathlaga had come to the fact that I had 60% vision in that eye. I would have a scar on there forever.  The scar was so large, you were actually able to see it with the naked eye. Thankfully, I could still play sports, but seeing the ball at times, in certain light conditions, was difficult.

I’ve seen a bunch of Ophthalmologists, and are all incredibly intrigued to hear the story. One optometrist refused to even check my eyes after I told him and he sent me back to the specialists. There is a way to fix it, but that would involve a corneal transplant, which, in all honesty, seems a bit extreme considering the place my eyes have settled in. Over the years, the scar has flattened and my vision has come to a stable place. The scar actually behaves like a contact lens and refracts the light enough to let me see without any aides. If I play cricket, I only play with one contact lens in – In my left eye. But that is only in bright light. In the dark, too much of the pupil is exposed to the scar, and not even glasses can help.

There are things I find difficult, though. For example, I can’t take a photo with my right eye through a viewfinder. I’m still learning how to do this, so if you see my try, you’ll know why I look like a tool. I can’t shoot a rifle – I can shoot it, I just can’t aim very well as you use your right eye with your right arm. I can’t use binoculars properly, or in fact, anything that really requires both eyes to focus. 3D movies were a problem for me. I wasn’t sure they’d be okay, but Avatar proved that wrong.

So, now I am doomed with glasses forever, but I have no complaints.  It’s an adjustment, but one I am very grateful to have to make.

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My blog has been down for a while. The second time in a month or so. It’s annoying. And so I’m considering moving. In fact, I’ve already begun this process. Asking around, everyone has an opinion, and very rarely are they the same, so it’s one of those things where you make a decision and you’re that one example of that provider being crap. But we’ll wait and see what happens. In other news, however, my blog (me actually blogging) turned one.  Yaaaaay! I posted my very first blog post, Your Everything, on the 17th of March, 2009. I love my blog and was such a big part of getting to where I needed to be, and hopefully, will continue to be that.

I went on a desert adventure into the Namib desert a few weeks ago. For this, there will be at least one post on just to share some of the experiences, because it really was a spectacular one.  This photo here is from there.  You can check out the other pics on my Flickr page.  Go check ‘em out.

And, in a complete turn of events, I may have met someone. Okay, no wait. I have met someone. I’ve met a lot of people. But this one is very different. Silly girl is crazy. And walled off. And unsure. And apprehensive. But so am I. We’ve spent a bit of time together. Know absolutely nothing of each other, yet you wouldn’t think that looking at it from the outside. But, I must admit, it’s weird being in this situation after so long. And it’s been a very, very long time since I’ve been in this type of thing. The beginningness, and unsureness and high, ummm, energyness. It’s all very new to me. Each new relationship is different as you get older. You learn to be a new person each time. You grow up, and are educated just that little bit more in life. So it’s new, different, and freaking exciting. She must just open her eyes and realise not all boys are stupid.

I’m in the process of buying a car. I’ve only been looking for seventy million months, but I have finally found one. All I need now is for the current owner to transfer the car into his name from his bank’s and then I send the docs away. I’m hoping it’ll be done next week, and I will be the proud new owner of a silver Polo. I am very excited about this, but the stress given to me during has been a real pain in the ass.  My poor brother will now get the Ratmobile… I should really get the clutch fixed for him.

Work is going well. Mostly. Sort of. The work-load type has changed, and I’m not sure if I was ready for it. I’m spending a lot of time in the office, and seeing the same people every day is taking it’s toll. Not that they’re bad people, but we’re a small company, and a change would be nice. I should really start taking a lunch break and getting out. I should also find a way to deal with problem employees. They’re just adding to the stress at the moment.

Cricket is finished for another year. Sad but true. there is, luckily, another geek cricket match coming up soon on the 18 of April. Love the socialness of them. I think I’ll bowl at this one. I haven’t at the last two and I feel I should see how many I can get.
This is my first year since 2002 that I will not be playing rugby. I’ve hung up the boots. Last year, I was still playing in the internal league at UCT, which is really decent rugby, but I think it’s enough. Besides the fact that my one knee is really playing up, I got concussed again last year. Granted, they’ve all been mild, I actually don’t know how many I’ve had, coupled with the two broken noses (nosii?) (yes, I know I only have one), I think I had better stop before something bad happens in my head. I can already hear my mom singing. Rugby is a contact sport, you’re going to get hurt, so I think it’s enough now. But what the hell am I going to do during the winter? I’m a team-sport person, and will only gym when I get off my ass, so I need to figure out something. Touch rugby will hopefully still happen, and I’m thinking of joining a 6-down team, which is great for fitness, but we’ll have to see.

And on that note, winter is quickly approaching, and I’m very excited. I love Cape Town winters. I love the rain and the cold. The evenings are beginning to get cooler, the days are shorter, and the sun has begun its angular descent. It won’t be long now.

I’ve planned a holiday at the end of April to Plett. We went last year and have never been so relaxed, except this year it clashes with something else I really want need want  to do. I’m a little bit confused as to what to decide, but a decision needs to be made, one way or another. What would you do?

So, I think that covers all the randomnessness that has happened recently. I’ll try not let friends telling me that my blog is boring affect me so much again. That kinda stops you from wanting to write. But I assure you, there will be posts coming. In the meantime, read some older ones

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• 1 years subscription to Connect Magazine, courtesy of Hypertext Media
• A Springleap T-shirt of awesomeness
• a Poken from Poken Africa
• And the fourth hunter will get a R150 kalahari voucher!

So how do you win these things?  Each blogger will do a post on their site, with clues as to where they’ve hidden The Nerdies Idol inside their blog.  9 of these blogs will have fail Idols.  If you come across a fail idol, skip to the next blog until you find the winning idol.

The bloggers are as follows:

1. http://cathjenkin.wordpress.com
2. http://meganstow.wordpress.com
3. http://becauseican.co.za
4. http://davidanthonyalves.blogspot.com/
5. http://imod.co.za
6. http://shebee.co.za
7. http://blog.empyrean.co.za/
8. http://justinmccall.co.za
9. http://www.nickhuntdavis.com/
10. http://blindcripple.co.za

Once you’ve been to all the blogs and found the winning idol, there will be a unique code on that page.  The first four treasure hunters to either email sheenagates@gmail.com the code, or DM it to @SheBeeGee if you’re a follower, will win.

Simple huh?  Happy hunting!

My clue: “Just because there’s a little bit of something there, it doesn’t mean this life lesson will be easy to get through”

UPDATE: COMPO is closed. Please check nerdmag for further details.

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When I was 17, I had a plan.  I knew what I was going to study.  Where, how and why.  I was going to finish my A Levels at school, head off to UCT to study electrical engineering and take life on.  But life is constantly throwing curve balls.  Not all the balls are big enough to be able to see and avoid.  I didn’t get the physics mark I needed to be admitted into the engineering faculty, yet the science faculty would take me to, and get this, study physics.  More strange small curve balls were thrown and I had to leave UCT at the end of 2005.  It hit me as a bit of a shock, and I spent most of 2006 doing nothing but getting back onto my feet.

2007 started with a new gusto.  I started afresh at UNISA, and I landed a small job in a startup company that a friend had founded.  This year, I moved from Project Manager to Operations Manager in the same company, where I now manage a small team.  It’s strange how things happen.  I love it, and I think I’m fairly good at what I do.  I started my own blog nearly a year ago.  I write/wrote (I will write more) for nerdmag.  I recently started blogging and tweeting for Standard Bank Cricket.  And I’ve just realised I can add all of these items to my CV.  This is as far from engineering and the science faculty as you can go, and it really surprises me.  A lot.

Thinking about it all today, I’ve become conscience to the fact that I no longer have a plan.  People have their aspirations to work as hard as they can in order to be able to move to a new place.  Or that they’re know where they’re going, or where they want to be going, in their company.  I don’t know any of that.  I see me not having my degree has a huge hinderance, and it will be.  I can’t apply for a job without one, and will be very lucky to get this type of opportunity again.  Talking to a friend about her new job, and she tells me how she thinks it’s prefect for me.  It is.  It makes me think about how I might not get that second chance…

Last night i was doing maths equations with another good friend, and I missed it.  I missed the Applied Maths I was doing through Unisa before work took over.  I miss using my brain in that way.  I often feel that it’s not being used enough.  I regret one thing in this whole situation, and that is not having my BSc by now, but I do not regret where I am.  It just means I don’t have that one real speciality, and that bothers me a little bit too.  I think I might have a bit more experience than some some of my friends, even if I’m earning less, but I am happy.  I love that I’ve had this chance now.

I think this is all part of why I’ve been so restless in my mind of late.  I’ve started my new position, and there is just so much happening, that there has been very little time to take it all in and reflect and settle.  I know some of you are living that dreamed up lifestyle, and good for you.  If it makes you happy, then what more should you need.  But as we grow and mature, our dreams are still there, they just change to be what we want and need them to be.  So, where do I see myself in 10 years? I have no frickin’ idea.  I don’t know if it’s bad that I don’t have a plan, but I will keep doing what I enjoy doing and see where it takes me…

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• I moved into a new home, where I am very happy
• I semi-learnt to be single
• I’ve learnt how to be with myself, and know myself more
• I’ve learnt not to care when I shouldn’t be stressing
• I’ve learnt to love Cape Town more. Not because I’ve done more, but I just appreciate it more
• I went to gym more time this year than last year. (as long as it’s more)
• I worked very hard this year and it showed with a new positional promotion which I am very chuffed about
• Of course, there are a few things I shouldn’t list here. But they were good too
• I’ve seen two of my best childhood friends get married
• I’ve been best man to my best friend at his wedding
• I’ve learnt that some things are unforgivable
• I started blogging
• I restarted tweeting
• I’ve started my photography hobby more seriously, and loved it.

Realistically, these are my goals for 2010

• to manage my time more – Although, this really isn’t bad at the moment
• to take more photographs
• to blog more
• to save more money
• to buy a car – early in the year
• to be more out there with women – This is the next step
• to bungee jump Bloukrans
• to stop wasting money
• to go to shul more
• to lose 7kgs (and not put it back)
• to stop giving unecessary “charity”

I personally think those are pretty gettable. So, here goes another year!

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It’s a little bit weird for me that it still has a “catch-your-breath” effect on me.  The relationship ended ages ago.  Sure, there were things in the middle to act as speed bumps, but still.  Yet it does, and when I saw her name on my phone, I did stop breathing.  I answered, and it began€¦

She was angry.  Very angry.  She had found my blog (after talking to a mutual friend about blogs).  Her curiosity must have gotten the better of her, and she just had to look.  Of course, one of the featured posts is about cheating.  Her cheating.  And so she read.  She read of all the things she had done, and the feelings it caused me.  She read the comments written by followers of how she “is a leech” and how “she’s poisoning your life”.  I’m not saying that these statements were wrong, but they were never meant for her eyes.  They were for me.

There was always the chance that she would come across the site, and I’ve never tried to hide anything.  I’ve never lied.  I was open and honest in my forum.  I never directly mentioned her, nor have I slandered or said anything mean.  If you don’t really know me, then you have NO idea who I’m talking about, and if you’re close enough to know, then you already know.  People who don’t blog could never understand what it’s like to have a whole separate world to talk to and to have them listen too, no matter who they are.  I hope I don’t know half the readers.  That’s what it’s about for me.  That’s what I want.  Those same people that “don’t get Twitter” could not understand it.  But that’s okay too.  You don’t need to.  This is my world and my life.

In retrospect, she didn’t explain why she was so upset, or in fact, explain anything, so I can’t really explain it myself, but I suppose she has some value to her argument, and that is fine.  But this was not the way I wanted things.  I kept having to remind myself about what she had done in order to be angry again and not want to see her.  I still miss her.  Not everything that came with it, but her.  I miss the person.

In her angered frame of mind she told me to delete every contact I have of her.  I won’t.  That would be silly.  But she no longer wants to talk to me.  And I have to respect that.  She called again a bit later, calmer and we had a small chat.  She thanked me for everything that we had.  It really was amazing.  I tried to tell her the same.  But she still wants nothing to do with me again.  Ever.  Perhaps this is the way it was supposed to be? I don’t know.  I do know that I’m feeling sad just knowing it’s no longer a friendship, and that person isn’t quite there.  I can’t really explain it further than that.  I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

I don’t know if she will ever read this again, I don’t think it matters, but I don’t think it’ll change how or what I write.  She hinted that I delete the post.  I could never.  I have deleted one post, for the fear of causing a rift with my best childhood friend.  This is my source of expression and my chance to be as open as I want to be without the risk of any judgement.   This is my blog.  I’ve put a lot of work into it, and I have every right to put here whatever I feel.  It just so happens that my blog is personal, but it’s just that.  It’s personal.  About me. My life.  I am truly sorry it upset her so much, and sorry that it has now caused what it has, but I’m not sorry I wrote it.  It was for me.  And for now, that’s what it’s all about.

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I was teased in late primary school of being gay.  It stemmed from a stupid joke that got out of hand.  It was somewhat tough to deal with, but I wouldn’t put it down to a life changing incident that has turned me into a serial killer.  That was caused by something completely different.  But I digress…  I love women, and no, I’m not a womaniser.  My friends will confirm that if you have your doubt, but it’s true.  I have a huge amount of respect for women, after all, it’s women that do that thing I like so much.  But, I’m not ashamed to admit, that I am a bit of a girl.

So here I have compiled a list of reasons why I am a girl.  Some of you will already know these, and some of you may be shocked and never look at me the same again:

• I’m overly sensitive.  I tend to let things affect me way too much.  I over-think them and let them stress me out.  I should care less – Like a boy.
• I like hair.  Obviously, not my own.  But I notice when someone has done something differently.  Like other girls.
• I can sleep in a bed with a person of the opposite sex (or the same depending on which way you look at it), and not do anything I shouldn’t. (Even though I might be thinking it).
• I have 3 different types of face wash, each for a different task.  I only use one type of shampoo and soap.  I use moisturiser and well as concealer.
• I own more than 5 pairs of shoes.  And I’m picky about the ones I wear.
• I have a box of sentimental things that I’ve collected over the years.  I will always have it and I will never ever get rid of it’s contents.
• I’ve been known to gossip.
• My music tastes could be considered female.
• Like a lot of guys, I’ve dressed up in drag, but I went the whole 9 yards.  Stockings, make up, wig, etc.  Check out the pic. Scary stuff.
• Apparently, I squeal.  I have no proof of this, and simply play the “hearsay” card.
• I take longer than some real girls to get ready.  It’s a process, you know.
• I probably take longer than most females to do my hair.  Do you think it looks like this when I wake up?!
• I’m very comfortable with matters of the heart, whether it’s my heart or someone else’s.  I’m able to talk, or write, it out so that someone ends up feeling better.  And in connection with that, I’m a good listener. The kind that will give good advice.  The girl kind.

Now, while you might be thinking I’m truly female, I’ve countered the list with reasons about why I’m a boy.  And a good one at that.

• I play a large amount of sports.  And while this can be said about some women, I watch it too.  And I am able to understand all of them.  I can explain the offside rule in both rugby and football.  I am also an official cricket umpire, so I know how LBW works.
• As I’ve said before, I love women, and while I’ve already proven I’m really a boy, therefore, I can not be a lesbian.
• I smell good. Man-good.  Try me.
• I wear all my pairs of shoes.  Until they can’t be worn any more.
• I love my hands, and you will too.
• I know what torque is, and no, it’s not something you do at book club.  I also know what under- and over-steer are.
• I read books that involve blood and murder and sex, and not those that are centred around a lady looking for her husband that left her for a tranny.  (Although, that would make for entertaining reading, but you get my point).
• I own a BB gun.
• I like my boy bits.
• I’m childish.  I play games all the time.  People get annoyed with me because of it, but boys never grow up.
• I drive fast just because I can.
• I love bugs.  As long as they don’t fly, and they should have 8 legs.
• I can go out after just waking up and not worry about make-up.
• I can have a phone conversation in 30 seconds, and have the topic resolved in that time.
• I know where North is, and I can direct someone there, when necessary.  I can read a map book.

I think I’ve gone on enough, but you see my point.  Even though I might have all the girl aspects, I have the boy parts there to even-out everything quite nicely.  I’m pretty sure you all have your own opposite sex insides, so just embrace them.   Besides, this balance I have is me, and I’m quite happy with me.

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