Jumping into something requires that you jump with two feet. There can’t be any of this half-arsed stuff. No playing around with people’s emotions because you’re unsure of what you want. My worry is I’ve seen it before. Not necessarily by me, but I’m seen it. And this time, it was me. I bought her flowers and made her excited, but my feet were firmly planted on either side of that line. The one foot might have joined the other at some point. It just didn’t stay there long enough, and by the time I was ready to figure stuff out, it was too late. The “problem” is, it wasn’t meant to get to this point. It was supposed to be relaxed and easy and uncomplicated. But this is reality.

It needed to end because I didn’t know if I could commit. There were a lot of things standing in the way, and so it ended. But it’s the same old story. You’ve heard it before. Yet i think it’s time to sort it out. There can’t be this constant fear every time I hit a certain point. The trouble is, it’s that fear that clarifies it in that specific light, making me think that that’s the way it is. Yes yes, I know, that doesn’t make any sense.

Writing my posts, however, is my way of letting go of things. I write them as my therapy. Of course I want them to be read. So I let people know, and I hope that they read them. But that isn’t the reason they’re there. I might write some things that aren’t very nice and some things that hurt. But, I don’t write them for that purpose. And, writing them might be wrong in every single way but I’m not sure I would stop. So if it hurts and bruises and bleeds, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting and having to do it this way, but know that it isn’t the point of it all. Someone I met the other day told me that as soon as I start editing myself, and leaving things out like that, then it stops being real and honest. And it stops being me. Those of you that really know me will know that all I need is honesty.

I hope you can see that this is my attempt of admitting I’ve been wrong. I like to think I’m always right.  However, now I’m swallowing that pill. I’m done being a douche – it’s really not who I am. Or not someone I want to be. I’ve said it before; if you don’t learn from the experience then there was no real point to it in the first place. So I’ll be more mindful about jumping in and do it properly when I should be and stop being a mind fuck for people that matter. If only it was all a little simpler to do. If only we weren’t tiptoeing, afraid to make the leap. If only things weren’t so fragile. If only were weren’t so black and blue. But it’s exactly all of that which will make it all worth it in the end…

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I’m always right.  I’ve always been right.  But just once, I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted every feeling to be wrong.  So I went to the party.  I went with the intention of being a nice person.  And hoping for the best.   And I did.  I put all doubt aside, (mostly), and went.   But I was right.  Everything I had told my mind and my friends were right.  Oh, the irony of how we used to argue that she was always right.

I’m glad I didn’t try write and post on Saturday when I was so angry, because I would’ve probably been mean and brutal to the parties involved, but DTradegy cleared that up for me.  So I’m not going to be childish about this.  I’m going to tell the truth, because that’s what I do.

Through my medium-crisis breakdown a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about ending things with a girl.  It had reached the point where it had to go one of two ways, and this is the choice I made.  I have my reasons, and I’m not going to go into them now, but they are there.  And they are mine.  And they are valid.  But it was mainly because I had trust issues.  I was screwed over in the past, and yes, it’s going to effect the future, but that is my burden now.  And when I asked about what was going on, I was told there was nothing to worry about.   That I was being silly.  That there was no flirting.  That what I was seeing wasn’t really what I was seeing.  Yet, just three weeks later, here they were together.  I might be overly paranoid sometimes, but here it was, for all to see.  That makes me feel pretty kak.

I was upset because I did/do actually care. And that’s normal.  But I’m not sure if people were being malicious. AND, what really annoys me, is that the guy involved knew the situation.  He knows me.  Yet he didn’t even say a word to me about things.  But I suppose this is how people are.  People only have themselves in mind, and maybe we all need to start to be the same for self-preservation and a drama free life?  I’m also shocked at how fast she got over things.  Which makes me think that she was just trying to throw it in my face, but the other side of my head says to not think that, that people are not malicious and that their actions are, in fact, for themselves.  Or maybe this really was her way of saying fuck you?

In the last few days of thinking about it, I have come to some clear conclusions that I am fully aware of:

• I ended things – This doesn’t change how I felt.  I guess you have your reasons for doing what you did, but I also want you to be aware of what you’re doing.  I’m not here to hurt you, so get that out your head.  But just think about why I might be behaving the way I am.  Think about yourself.  Don’t force things just because you want something.  I know I have my problems, but I know pushing it now would not have helped anyone.
• My gut is right.  Always.
• People never surprise you.
• I have awesome people in my life – You should know who you are.

So I’m done ranting and talking about this now.  I’ve had enough of it pressed on inside.  But I have a friend’s voice of reason in my head that always reminds me of how things are.  He’s telling me to stop over-thinking every issue and just let things happen.  And so I shall…

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As you know, I recently ended things with someone after a few weeks. But before I did, I was witness to some of the most malicious, childish behaviour that I have ever seen. 13 year old girls would have been embarrassed about it.

The girls in question had no right to do what they did. They think they do, but they never did. They were mean, stupid, and it was completely unwarranted. She was nothing but lovely. They will never have what she had. They were, and never will be, even close to what she had.

I have lost all respect for them, if in various cases, there was any to begin with anyway. But, I don’t know the full story. There is lots missing, but I have enough to be able the write this with some certainty.

I didn’t handle the situation properly when it happened. I didn’t really know what to do in that position. I was surrounded by some people I call my friends, and I didn’t want to create any more tension there. But I know I didn’t do it well.

Then, there was the ensuing public conversation. The not-so-cryptic Twitter messages; the smses talking about us. All this lovely behaviour that most people get out of their system at high school when you first start dating.

I’m not perfect, I know this. But generally, when it comes to other peoples’ feelings and well being, I know how to behave like an adult. My rant is now over, and please excuse me if I have been too cynical and harsh.

“Jealousy makes you nasty, nasty makes you ugly, ugly makes you fat. And nobody likes the fat kid!”

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I have never broken up with anyone before. There are many reasons for this. One being because I have never been honest with myself, or my partner. There are many reasons. I know myself more now and know what I want and what I feel – And this just didn’t feel right. So, for the first time, I ended this before it had a real chance to get anywhere significant. Perhaps I spoke too soon on the last post?

She says she’ll wake up tomorrow and be okay. I’m not sure I can believe that. Maybe my ego won’t let that be the case, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can simply wake up one day and be fine when there were feelings involved. I know, I’m not going to wake up and be fine. This wasn’t done because I wanted to hurt her. It would’ve been unfair to keep going on when I knew there was something not quite right there.

We got on really well, and she was a really special person once you get to know her. But this is the stage in a new relationship where things are supposed to be chilled and easy and fun. But they weren’t. There had already been one or two issues, and I promised myself that I would not let that happen again. I coudn’t handle closed-off-ness at times, yet the open times at others. I know there are things we keep inside, but I’m human. I got confused too. This didn’t just come because I got cold feet. There are reasons!

I guess this is part of the whole dating thing, but just so you know, it doesn’t feel so great. There are some things that I’ve learnt out of it, though:

• Not all relationships are meant to last.
• Dating isn’t easy.
• People are extremely complex creatures which logic can not solve.
• It’s going to take a lot for me to trust again.
• I really miss companionship.

I know she’s going to be angry for a while, and she won’t believe my genuinely sincere words, but there is a reason and I hope she’ll see it. She needs to realise that I am really one of the good guys and they do exist. This just wasn’t right.
I don’t know if I’m ready for something serious just yet, but I still really miss having someone around, and I really loved having that again. Being single has both its pros and cons, but I don’t really think we have a choice in which side of the fence we’re on at times. I’m going to keep living as I need to and I know things will happen as they do…

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Let’s face it, we all are. We see a gorgeous girl, and she forces us to spin our heads much faster than our necks can handle. We all have a perfect person in our minds. They may not exist in reality, but as I’ve said at times before, we pick up parts of those traits in people along the way.

In saying all that, I must admit that this comes pretty damn close to what perfect might be for me. Step up to the plate, Esquire Magazine. They have something running where they choose the Sexiest Woman Alive.  Now, past results have given us Scarlett Johansson, homegrown Charlize Theron, and the sexy Jessica Biel. This year, along with an amazing video, they have chosen Kate Beckinsale as the winner.  While I’m not saying she is perfect, she is very very close to it for me.

_____________________________________

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I was teased in late primary school of being gay.  It stemmed from a stupid joke that got out of hand.  It was somewhat tough to deal with, but I wouldn’t put it down to a life changing incident that has turned me into a serial killer.  That was caused by something completely different.  But I digress…  I love women, and no, I’m not a womaniser.  My friends will confirm that if you have your doubt, but it’s true.  I have a huge amount of respect for women, after all, it’s women that do that thing I like so much.  But, I’m not ashamed to admit, that I am a bit of a girl.

So here I have compiled a list of reasons why I am a girl.  Some of you will already know these, and some of you may be shocked and never look at me the same again:

• I’m overly sensitive.  I tend to let things affect me way too much.  I over-think them and let them stress me out.  I should care less – Like a boy.
• I like hair.  Obviously, not my own.  But I notice when someone has done something differently.  Like other girls.
• I can sleep in a bed with a person of the opposite sex (or the same depending on which way you look at it), and not do anything I shouldn’t. (Even though I might be thinking it).
• I have 3 different types of face wash, each for a different task.  I only use one type of shampoo and soap.  I use moisturiser and well as concealer.
• I own more than 5 pairs of shoes.  And I’m picky about the ones I wear.
• I have a box of sentimental things that I’ve collected over the years.  I will always have it and I will never ever get rid of it’s contents.
• I’ve been known to gossip.
• My music tastes could be considered female.
• Like a lot of guys, I’ve dressed up in drag, but I went the whole 9 yards.  Stockings, make up, wig, etc.  Check out the pic. Scary stuff.
• Apparently, I squeal.  I have no proof of this, and simply play the “hearsay” card.
• I take longer than some real girls to get ready.  It’s a process, you know.
• I probably take longer than most females to do my hair.  Do you think it looks like this when I wake up?!
• I’m very comfortable with matters of the heart, whether it’s my heart or someone else’s.  I’m able to talk, or write, it out so that someone ends up feeling better.  And in connection with that, I’m a good listener. The kind that will give good advice.  The girl kind.

Now, while you might be thinking I’m truly female, I’ve countered the list with reasons about why I’m a boy.  And a good one at that.

• I play a large amount of sports.  And while this can be said about some women, I watch it too.  And I am able to understand all of them.  I can explain the offside rule in both rugby and football.  I am also an official cricket umpire, so I know how LBW works.
• As I’ve said before, I love women, and while I’ve already proven I’m really a boy, therefore, I can not be a lesbian.
• I smell good. Man-good.  Try me.
• I wear all my pairs of shoes.  Until they can’t be worn any more.
• I love my hands, and you will too.
• I know what torque is, and no, it’s not something you do at book club.  I also know what under- and over-steer are.
• I read books that involve blood and murder and sex, and not those that are centred around a lady looking for her husband that left her for a tranny.  (Although, that would make for entertaining reading, but you get my point).
• I own a BB gun.
• I like my boy bits.
• I’m childish.  I play games all the time.  People get annoyed with me because of it, but boys never grow up.
• I drive fast just because I can.
• I love bugs.  As long as they don’t fly, and they should have 8 legs.
• I can go out after just waking up and not worry about make-up.
• I can have a phone conversation in 30 seconds, and have the topic resolved in that time.
• I know where North is, and I can direct someone there, when necessary.  I can read a map book.

I think I’ve gone on enough, but you see my point.  Even though I might have all the girl aspects, I have the boy parts there to even-out everything quite nicely.  I’m pretty sure you all have your own opposite sex insides, so just embrace them.   Besides, this balance I have is me, and I’m quite happy with me.

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