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We all do things for a reason. I blog because it makes me feel better. I’ve missed it lately. Despite this, I don’t want to only blog now when I’m feeling a need. There will be something filtering down at some point, so there is hope. But now, I have missed it. Just over two months ago, my gran passed away one week after her 92nd birthday. By some miracle, I was there on her birthday. But eight days later, her kidney’s finally let go. She and I were very close and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with.

I’m still yet to properly deal with it, however. About a week after she passed, I broke up with the girl I was seeing. It was about a nine month long relationship, but from my point of view, very intense. I am by no means saying that’s a bad thing, it is what it is. Things ended because I was unable to give my everything to the relationship. I have my reasons and I’ve tried to explain those reasons to everyone that mattered. It is sad to leave someone, no matter the circumstances. I still think about her a lot. It still hurts for many reasons, but I think this is the way it needs to be. And now, being alone is again a reality but it’s something I once embraced and will try to do it again. There is nothing wrong with being alone, it’s when you’re lonely that it becomes a problem. Winter really doesn’t help, though.

Through it, I have learned a lot about other people and their opinions of me. It’s amazing how many people have thoughts of me and who they think I am. They have strong opinions too. I really think it’s a joke, though. One day I want to have an entertaining life like theirs to be able to sit and chat about some completely random people where I mean nothing to them. I know half of these people are bitter about something or another. It’s petty. But I supposed talking about it is too.

I will be writing about each issue on its own. I’m trying to transition myself back into writing again and hopefully not stop for a while. I really do love it. Creating this blog was the best thing I have ever done, bar none. And if you don’t have your own therapy, you should dig around a bit and see what makes you happy, because in reality, you really need it…

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Going forward to today, I’m much more confident and happy with myself.  I know what I want out of life, and even though I haven’t quite set goals, I have an idea of where I’m going.  Things are changing, and I hope they continue on the up.

I’ve refined my hobbies
I’m playing cricket much more seriously now.  I’m not any better, or playing a higher level, but I’m taking it more seriously.  I haven’t taken nearly as many wickets as I did last season, but I’m captaining our fourth team, and starting to enjoy it a bit more.  So, besides the injuries, it’s going well.
My photography is also keeping me pretty happy.  I’m really enjoying it and also learning to use Lightroom a lot more.  I’ve started developing a new photoblog site which is also pretty cool but I’ll keep the good pics going up on Flickr.
I’m also developing a few WordPress sites for people. Nothing complicated at all, but I enjoy it and it’s good fun and sometimes brings in a bit of money.

A new relationship
So, I have a girlfriend.  Like a real one.  With boobs and everything.  And things are good.  It’s been about 5 months now and even though I am still slightly hesitant with giving my entire everything out, I’m doing it.  Slowly but surely.  It’s her pretty face you can see in the image attached.

A new home
I’ve moved into a new flat in Vredehoek.  It’s a really cool little place with the best view in Cape Town.  I haven’t quite settled in as yet: One of the rooms (mine) doesn’t have a cupboard, so until that’s installed, I can’t really settle.  But the place is great and hopefully, I’ll be sorted soon.

A new job
This is a big step for me.  I’ve been at RedButton for four years now and have a special bond with them.  I know the company very well and enjoy working here.  But it’s time for a change.  I need it.  And a great opportunity has presented itself, almost by chance.  I had sent my CV to a few places and got a call back from this one in particular, setting up an interview.  There I met the CEO and was told the job I had applied for would bore me, but she had an idea.  And with that, stemmed a new position for me as Primedia Online’s (including Prezence and 365Digital’s) Brand Ambassador.  Basically, I’ll be doing a whole bunch of PR and marketing, which is fairly brand new to me.  It’s a little nerve wracking to be honest, but I’m really excited to be fully employed by the digital realm at last.

So, those are the latest and biggest changes in my life.  And while the saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same” is always applicable, I have changed.  Neal version 2 is pretty darn awesome…

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A white horse, from my knowledge, is that object you crave, but can never have.  It’s always there, but just out of your reach.  After time, the horse will eventually run, escaping your memory.  But don’t breathe too easily, because it will soon be replaced by a new, shiny white horse.  A white horse can be anything you want/need/crave/desire.  In this case, we’ll talk about the most desired: Women.

Since I can remember, there has always been a white horse in my life.  There are, of course, a few reasons that cause this to remain a white horse:

1. She’s too hot

This is a weird one for me.  I am of the opinion that once I know the girl a little, that I am talking to her, then I’d be able to take it any direction I wanted.  That was a while ago, and the Hot Girl was a big spanner in that thinking and confidence.  I don’t know why, but I’m increasingly more intimidated with the Hot Girl.  I know they’re just women too, but I just can’t seem to shake it.  So, more so now, there seems to be one around.

2. She’s a friend

Tough one.  I personally believe that platonic relationships are never truly possible.  But, unless I’m 329% sure that the “times” are aligned, there’s no way I would ruin a good friendship.

3. She has a boyfriend

Or fiance.  Or husband.  This is a fun topic, isn’t it.  You want a girl that has a guy.  I, personally, would never try and break them up, because you should never be that person.  But this person seems to always be someone you get along amazingly with.  You never really have a shot at it, and if you try, you may be that guy forever.

4. The one I fucked up with

The one from the past who you seriously screwed up with, and of course, you only realise this when it’s far too late.  You might be friends with this person now, or you no longer speak, but they’re always there in back of your mind.  What-ifs are no good, though.

5. I just don’t have the balls

When I was in high school, there was this girl.  Hot as the sun, we got on like crazy, but I just never did anything about it.  This is the one occasion where I might feel regret about not doing anything because I really have no excuse.

Of course, these situations are amplified if they’re a combination of each other.  Imagine 1, 2 and 3 were all one person.  That’s three things to have to get around.  And would you risk it?! But what if you were one of these people being talked about – What would you do?

A lot of people will argue that this would never effect them, but those are the same people that could go out and pick up anyone they’d like.  And that’s not me, and I’m not the type of person to take that risk where I’d lose everything.  But I think there comes a time where you need to risk it all?

So, which one do you think is around now, which one do you have around, what have I left out, which one are you or more importantly, what would you do…

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Jumping into something requires that you jump with two feet. There can’t be any of this half-arsed stuff. No playing around with people’s emotions because you’re unsure of what you want. My worry is I’ve seen it before. Not necessarily by me, but I’m seen it. And this time, it was me. I bought her flowers and made her excited, but my feet were firmly planted on either side of that line. The one foot might have joined the other at some point. It just didn’t stay there long enough, and by the time I was ready to figure stuff out, it was too late. The “problem” is, it wasn’t meant to get to this point. It was supposed to be relaxed and easy and uncomplicated. But this is reality.

It needed to end because I didn’t know if I could commit. There were a lot of things standing in the way, and so it ended. But it’s the same old story. You’ve heard it before. Yet i think it’s time to sort it out. There can’t be this constant fear every time I hit a certain point. The trouble is, it’s that fear that clarifies it in that specific light, making me think that that’s the way it is. Yes yes, I know, that doesn’t make any sense.

Writing my posts, however, is my way of letting go of things. I write them as my therapy. Of course I want them to be read. So I let people know, and I hope that they read them. But that isn’t the reason they’re there. I might write some things that aren’t very nice and some things that hurt. But, I don’t write them for that purpose. And, writing them might be wrong in every single way but I’m not sure I would stop. So if it hurts and bruises and bleeds, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting and having to do it this way, but know that it isn’t the point of it all. Someone I met the other day told me that as soon as I start editing myself, and leaving things out like that, then it stops being real and honest. And it stops being me. Those of you that really know me will know that all I need is honesty.

I hope you can see that this is my attempt of admitting I’ve been wrong. I like to think I’m always right.  However, now I’m swallowing that pill. I’m done being a douche – it’s really not who I am. Or not someone I want to be. I’ve said it before; if you don’t learn from the experience then there was no real point to it in the first place. So I’ll be more mindful about jumping in and do it properly when I should be and stop being a mind fuck for people that matter. If only it was all a little simpler to do. If only we weren’t tiptoeing, afraid to make the leap. If only things weren’t so fragile. If only were weren’t so black and blue. But it’s exactly all of that which will make it all worth it in the end…

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I’m always right.  I’ve always been right.  But just once, I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted every feeling to be wrong.  So I went to the party.  I went with the intention of being a nice person.  And hoping for the best.   And I did.  I put all doubt aside, (mostly), and went.   But I was right.  Everything I had told my mind and my friends were right.  Oh, the irony of how we used to argue that she was always right.

I’m glad I didn’t try write and post on Saturday when I was so angry, because I would’ve probably been mean and brutal to the parties involved, but DTradegy cleared that up for me.  So I’m not going to be childish about this.  I’m going to tell the truth, because that’s what I do.

Through my medium-crisis breakdown a couple of weeks ago, I spoke about ending things with a girl.  It had reached the point where it had to go one of two ways, and this is the choice I made.  I have my reasons, and I’m not going to go into them now, but they are there.  And they are mine.  And they are valid.  But it was mainly because I had trust issues.  I was screwed over in the past, and yes, it’s going to effect the future, but that is my burden now.  And when I asked about what was going on, I was told there was nothing to worry about.   That I was being silly.  That there was no flirting.  That what I was seeing wasn’t really what I was seeing.  Yet, just three weeks later, here they were together.  I might be overly paranoid sometimes, but here it was, for all to see.  That makes me feel pretty kak.

I was upset because I did/do actually care. And that’s normal.  But I’m not sure if people were being malicious. AND, what really annoys me, is that the guy involved knew the situation.  He knows me.  Yet he didn’t even say a word to me about things.  But I suppose this is how people are.  People only have themselves in mind, and maybe we all need to start to be the same for self-preservation and a drama free life?  I’m also shocked at how fast she got over things.  Which makes me think that she was just trying to throw it in my face, but the other side of my head says to not think that, that people are not malicious and that their actions are, in fact, for themselves.  Or maybe this really was her way of saying fuck you?

In the last few days of thinking about it, I have come to some clear conclusions that I am fully aware of:

• I ended things – This doesn’t change how I felt.  I guess you have your reasons for doing what you did, but I also want you to be aware of what you’re doing.  I’m not here to hurt you, so get that out your head.  But just think about why I might be behaving the way I am.  Think about yourself.  Don’t force things just because you want something.  I know I have my problems, but I know pushing it now would not have helped anyone.
• My gut is right.  Always.
• People never surprise you.
• I have awesome people in my life – You should know who you are.

So I’m done ranting and talking about this now.  I’ve had enough of it pressed on inside.  But I have a friend’s voice of reason in my head that always reminds me of how things are.  He’s telling me to stop over-thinking every issue and just let things happen.  And so I shall…

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Saturday

I woke up somewhere after lunch to the voices of my male housemate, A, and our very good friend and neighbour, L.  I heard talk of ICU and hospital.  I was very confused.  I stumbled out of bed once L had left.  Apparently, my other housemate, J, was in ICU.  She had had trouble over the past week or so with speaking.  She just couldn’t get the words out.  She had an appointment with the neurologist on Friday, and that was the last time we had seen her.  During her MRI, she had her first seizure.  This was all a little mind blowing.

There was a sms from a friend I had promised to do brunch with.  She wanted to know if I was still alive.  In her awesomeness, she excused my tardiness, and we met for  brunch – At 3pm.  She let me bitch about my previous evening, and she bitched too.  I value her friendship very dearly, and appreciate being her Coop.

I went to Oblivion that evening to see an old friend who was now back in Cape Town after a medium stint in Londontown.  It was good having her back and joking with her and her clearly over- (or painfully under-) sexed friends.  I had a good little chuckle about one of these friends:  Her boyfriend, who’s birthday it was, seemed to have something against me.  Or his friend did.  Either way, I heard them talking about slapping me.  I waited patiently, but alas, there was no outcome.  In the mood I was in, it would’ve been interesting.  A good night was had.

Sunday

The morning was spent at the hospital.  I really don’t want to be insensitive, but I’m a little tired of hospitals.  After the last few weeks with my gran, I can barely handle being in them right now.  But A and I were asked to be there.  We, eventually, met with the surgeon for him to explain what was going on.  J has been diagnosed with Encephalitis.  The problem is, they don’t actually know which form.  She had a Lumbar Puncture, and they know what, they just couldn’t see why. It could, hopefully, be one of two reasons – one being so new and rare, that only a lab in Oxford could do the tests.  And that may take up to two months.  They’ll still be doing other tests, though.  He explained to us that she’ll be there for at least 10 days, but when she comes home, we need to monitor her.   She won’t be back at work for 3 months, and will not be allowed to drive for around a year due to the seizures.  Yes, this is pretty hectic.

The afternoon and evening and night was spent with a girl.  A girl I have been seeing for a few months.  Spending time with her has always been about us.  And most of it was spent in bed, and rightly so as whatever went on in that bed was most certainly worth it.

Monday

I had Monday off as I was going to see Portugal take on Korea DPR for a lunch-time kickoff, so I had a bit of a lie in with the girl as she called into work saying she was going to the doctor as she was sick.  A valid excuse.  Almost.

Met Grum at his office just before 12 and we made our way to the Green Point Stadium.  Seating was pretty awesome, on the 2nd tier of the Korea goal for the second half, which meant we witnessed 6 goals at that end, which was pretty spectacular.

A friend sent me a song in the evening.  A song I’ve been looking for for a while and really couldn’t find it.  Not even on YouTube, and here she was sending it to me.  If you can, listen to Evermore’s This Is Love. I love it.

Tuesday

I worked like a trojan.  Not sure what was different, but I got a lot done.  I think it might have been the different type of work, but either way, there was a strange inkling that wanted me to work through the Bafana game.  But that was foolish thinking and I eventually trundled off to the Mexican Shebeen.  They were fairly expensive, but the girls really made up for it.  Their little dresses and very attractive legs gave us a good football distraction.  Plus their half-time dance is definitely worth seeing. (Really!)

The night was perfectly capped off with a great big fat Royale burger and brilliant company.

Wednesday

Today was not a good day.  Today brought out my worst insecurities.  I have bad bad trust issues.  After my ex cheated, and then lied to me, I’ve learnt that trusting people has become difficult – Especially as truth was one of her biggest values.  So now, I have issues with it.  My mind plays tricks on me, even when it’s wrong.  This was one reason my last little relationship failed, and it is why this one did too.  I couldn’t anymore.  I couldn’t lie in bed not knowing.  Knowing the type of people she was with.  I had been broken before and I just couldn’t.  So today, I did the difficult thing and ended things with the girl.  Again.  We had not even been properly dating, which only made things worse, or at least much more complicated.  I’m not going into more details now, but there were feelings involved from both of us.  I just wasn’t in a good place and jumping with two feet now would have only meant one of us, or both, would get hurt.

Thursday

Today was a good day, perspectively.  Work has some very interesting things going on.  More interesting than I can actually mention here.  And today, I did something completely out of the blue that both upset and overjoyed people.  I have a good friend that has been trying her hardest to get a ticket to a World Cup game, but without success.  So, after seeing four games already, I decided to sell her my ticket.  I was online, and even that was enough to know she was going to explode with excitement.  It made her very happy, and I’m glad I could help her.

But no good deed goes unpunished.  I managed to upset no less than three people in selling this ticket.  The first being someone who I was going with.  To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why it upset him so much, but it did.  He threw his toys, but I didn’t see a point, and he eventually put on his big girl panties and went.  The second was a friend I said I would do the whole thing with because she was going with randoms.  I’m not too concerned about this as she actually needs to learn about being around more people.  The last, and probably the one I’m most intrigued about was someone who I said I would take a photo of.  But not just any photo – A really different and brilliant photo that I could only take at this game.  She is a very very new friend, but I feel like I let her down.  I’m not sure she’ll get over it.

Looking at the pros and cons of this decision, however, I am happy with what I did and I know Robyn really appreciates it.

It’s been an interesting few days, but I’m started to feel more myself now.  I’ve made some mental changes, and certainly will be doing more for myself in one or two ways.  Times like this make you realise who your friends are, and sometimes, you need it.

And so, basically, the crux of the matter?  I’m back…

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I have never broken up with anyone before. There are many reasons for this. One being because I have never been honest with myself, or my partner. There are many reasons. I know myself more now and know what I want and what I feel – And this just didn’t feel right. So, for the first time, I ended this before it had a real chance to get anywhere significant. Perhaps I spoke too soon on the last post?

She says she’ll wake up tomorrow and be okay. I’m not sure I can believe that. Maybe my ego won’t let that be the case, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can simply wake up one day and be fine when there were feelings involved. I know, I’m not going to wake up and be fine. This wasn’t done because I wanted to hurt her. It would’ve been unfair to keep going on when I knew there was something not quite right there.

We got on really well, and she was a really special person once you get to know her. But this is the stage in a new relationship where things are supposed to be chilled and easy and fun. But they weren’t. There had already been one or two issues, and I promised myself that I would not let that happen again. I coudn’t handle closed-off-ness at times, yet the open times at others. I know there are things we keep inside, but I’m human. I got confused too. This didn’t just come because I got cold feet. There are reasons!

I guess this is part of the whole dating thing, but just so you know, it doesn’t feel so great. There are some things that I’ve learnt out of it, though:

• Not all relationships are meant to last.
• Dating isn’t easy.
• People are extremely complex creatures which logic can not solve.
• It’s going to take a lot for me to trust again.
• I really miss companionship.

I know she’s going to be angry for a while, and she won’t believe my genuinely sincere words, but there is a reason and I hope she’ll see it. She needs to realise that I am really one of the good guys and they do exist. This just wasn’t right.
I don’t know if I’m ready for something serious just yet, but I still really miss having someone around, and I really loved having that again. Being single has both its pros and cons, but I don’t really think we have a choice in which side of the fence we’re on at times. I’m going to keep living as I need to and I know things will happen as they do…

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My blog has been down for a while. The second time in a month or so. It’s annoying. And so I’m considering moving. In fact, I’ve already begun this process. Asking around, everyone has an opinion, and very rarely are they the same, so it’s one of those things where you make a decision and you’re that one example of that provider being crap. But we’ll wait and see what happens. In other news, however, my blog (me actually blogging) turned one.  Yaaaaay! I posted my very first blog post, Your Everything, on the 17th of March, 2009. I love my blog and was such a big part of getting to where I needed to be, and hopefully, will continue to be that.

I went on a desert adventure into the Namib desert a few weeks ago. For this, there will be at least one post on just to share some of the experiences, because it really was a spectacular one.  This photo here is from there.  You can check out the other pics on my Flickr page.  Go check ‘em out.

And, in a complete turn of events, I may have met someone. Okay, no wait. I have met someone. I’ve met a lot of people. But this one is very different. Silly girl is crazy. And walled off. And unsure. And apprehensive. But so am I. We’ve spent a bit of time together. Know absolutely nothing of each other, yet you wouldn’t think that looking at it from the outside. But, I must admit, it’s weird being in this situation after so long. And it’s been a very, very long time since I’ve been in this type of thing. The beginningness, and unsureness and high, ummm, energyness. It’s all very new to me. Each new relationship is different as you get older. You learn to be a new person each time. You grow up, and are educated just that little bit more in life. So it’s new, different, and freaking exciting. She must just open her eyes and realise not all boys are stupid.

I’m in the process of buying a car. I’ve only been looking for seventy million months, but I have finally found one. All I need now is for the current owner to transfer the car into his name from his bank’s and then I send the docs away. I’m hoping it’ll be done next week, and I will be the proud new owner of a silver Polo. I am very excited about this, but the stress given to me during has been a real pain in the ass.  My poor brother will now get the Ratmobile… I should really get the clutch fixed for him.

Work is going well. Mostly. Sort of. The work-load type has changed, and I’m not sure if I was ready for it. I’m spending a lot of time in the office, and seeing the same people every day is taking it’s toll. Not that they’re bad people, but we’re a small company, and a change would be nice. I should really start taking a lunch break and getting out. I should also find a way to deal with problem employees. They’re just adding to the stress at the moment.

Cricket is finished for another year. Sad but true. there is, luckily, another geek cricket match coming up soon on the 18 of April. Love the socialness of them. I think I’ll bowl at this one. I haven’t at the last two and I feel I should see how many I can get.
This is my first year since 2002 that I will not be playing rugby. I’ve hung up the boots. Last year, I was still playing in the internal league at UCT, which is really decent rugby, but I think it’s enough. Besides the fact that my one knee is really playing up, I got concussed again last year. Granted, they’ve all been mild, I actually don’t know how many I’ve had, coupled with the two broken noses (nosii?) (yes, I know I only have one), I think I had better stop before something bad happens in my head. I can already hear my mom singing. Rugby is a contact sport, you’re going to get hurt, so I think it’s enough now. But what the hell am I going to do during the winter? I’m a team-sport person, and will only gym when I get off my ass, so I need to figure out something. Touch rugby will hopefully still happen, and I’m thinking of joining a 6-down team, which is great for fitness, but we’ll have to see.

And on that note, winter is quickly approaching, and I’m very excited. I love Cape Town winters. I love the rain and the cold. The evenings are beginning to get cooler, the days are shorter, and the sun has begun its angular descent. It won’t be long now.

I’ve planned a holiday at the end of April to Plett. We went last year and have never been so relaxed, except this year it clashes with something else I really want need want  to do. I’m a little bit confused as to what to decide, but a decision needs to be made, one way or another. What would you do?

So, I think that covers all the randomnessness that has happened recently. I’ll try not let friends telling me that my blog is boring affect me so much again. That kinda stops you from wanting to write. But I assure you, there will be posts coming. In the meantime, read some older ones

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Okay, so maybe that’s a little extreme.  But only maybe.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the last few months have proven to be very successful for budding wedding ceremonies – From engagements to just the plain old two people getting together on a serious level.  I don’t know if it’s the water at the moment, but the couple bug seems to be going around.  Be aware!

Now, I don’t want to be rude, insensitive, or otherwise, and I certainly don’t intend to offend anyone but, I am just going to remind you that this is my blog.  Now, in saying that, there is little worse than feeling slightly alone, and living with 2 people that are in new relationships.

You know, the honeymoon stage.  Granted, one couple is more affectionate than the other, albeit, a lot more, it still makes a difference being there all the time.  I don’t think that they make it worse, maybe just aware.

It was Valentine’s day on Sunday but, it doesn’t bother me.  What bothers me is that I don’t think I have met one person over the last 19 months or so, that I can actually be with.  That “can” has many connotations with it – They may include age, current status, location, etc.

But the fact of the matter is that I want sparks. And bubbles.  And all those other things that everyone craves so badly.

I know you can not force these, but it doesn’t mean I can’t want them.  Yes, I’ve been on the odd date, even though not for a while, and yes, I know I’m a good person, and all those things… it’s still a desire i have.

I will keep trying to go out and meet new people.  This is one of my tasks for the year.  Once I can do that, maybe I’ll be able to meet some people I like.  Work, as well, has been sapping a lot of my energy but, I don’t mind that too much.  It’s something that I think is worth it. For me.

Anyway, that was just something I needed to get off my chest.  I am not unhappy, just unsettled.  Fidgety.  We’ll just see how this year will unfold.

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• A Little Something About The White Horse
• A Little Bit About Being Wrong
• A Little Bit About Being Right